Rebuild

The semester is over, and I'm finally starting to unwind.  I always try to read for fun when I have a break because all reading outside of class stops during the semester.  I've been having trouble finding a "fun" read (that is not Fifty Shades of Grey), but I have found a more academic read: Psychology & Christianity: Five Views.  It's actually a textbook.  As has been obvious from some previous posts, this semester has posed significant challenges to my faith. When I first began contemplating a PhD in Clinical Psychology, I seriously considered and even interviewed at programs that were Christian (only a few APA approved Christian programs exist).  Obviously, I didn't end up at one.  So I moved from an environment that was largely conservative and Christian to one that is well, not.  This semester in particular left me wondering, struggling, questioning, and feeling lost at sea about a variety of things.  I realized that while I was listening to many strong, persuasive non-Christian voices about psychology, philosophy, human nature, and what is wrong with Christianity, I wasn't hearing many Christian perspectives. It wasn't a balanced consideration of the issues at all. Bible study at my church provided some encouragement, but the topics we cover in women's Bible study are quite different than those we cover in doctoral level classes.  I began feeling pressured to choose between my faith and my discipline, and I knew that there were psychologists out there who had managed to integrate the two together.  I did some research, and found this book.  So far, it's been incredibly helpful.  It's extremely relieving to hear intelligent Christian voices on the subject! They do exist! After a semester that's required me to take apart a lot of what I believe, I'm slowly starting to rebuild.

Suffering

On Good Friday, I attended the Secret Church simulcast entitled "The Cross and Suffering." It was long and intense, but held great meaning not only for me personally but also for what I'm training to do. Something that initially drew me into my current field was the realization that Christ can take any experience or circumstance, no matter how horrible and hopeless, and redeem it for something good and beautiful. In the words of Oswald Chambers, "Jesus Christ never trusted human nature, yet He was never cynical nor suspicious, because He had absolute trust in what He could do for human nature." I saw a lot of suffering in the time I spent in this field prior to grad school, and I know I'll only see more. Humanity is messy. But while it's hard to come into contact with suffering, belief in Christ's triumph over it all makes it seem less depressing and more like a reason to hope. Some great points from the night:

~The Christian is able to keep his suffering in perspective:

"So do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory, beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are enternal." ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

~Suffering won't last forever

"The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord...for the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according the abundance of his steadfast love."

~Lamentations 3:25-33

"If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay..." ~Habakkuk 2:2-4

~No matter how great, suffering always has a purpose:

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." ~Romans 5:3-5

~And most importantly, proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus is the foremost fundamental, necessary, nonnegotiable way to address evil and suffering in the world.

"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved." ~Acts 4:12

Not even the best trained psychologist can bring ultimate healing to a client. That job is Christ's alone.

Politics, religion, and other things your mother told you never to talk about

Some things are just plain scary to talk about (politics, religion, race as examples). They're incredibly sensitive topics, and people tend to have really strong opinions about them. More often that not, I would rather avoid talking about them as much as possible, especially with people I'm not that close to or who I know for a fact don't share my views. Alas, I'm not in an environment that is allowing that. Boo.

I find myself feeling "agitated" and "stirred up" way too often lately. This is not completely my environment's fault, as I do realize I'm a little bit "feisty" and love a good opportunity to "correct" (or maybe more accurately, rant about) injustices that I see. In any environment it's highly probable that I'm on a soapbox about something. I'm working on it, I really am.

Anyway, I tend to dislike viewpoints that are overly dogmatic or refuse to consider other sides to the story. I like to think that whether or not I agree with something, I can sit and listen to other thoughts and opinions without automatically dismissing them or without automatically considering the person who holds them as "less than." Less intelligent, less respectable, less Christian, less enlightened. You get the point.

Hmm. When I was an undergrad at Texas A&M, I got my feathers ruffled over the way people (some, not all!) thought being Republican was synonymous with being a Christian. As in a good Christian (one that truly knows God) would never associate with any other political party. Yes. God is Republican. Did you not know? Fortunately, I went to a church that didn't bring politics into the pulpit. You know, those pastors who tell you who to vote for? Have I mentioned how much I hate that?

Well, I have to say that my disappointment does not end with Republicans. No surprise, mostly everyone in my field unapologetically identifies themselves as a Democrat. And being a Democrat is synonymous with being a good person. A person not stuck in the dark ages. An intelligent person. Indeed, on multiple occasions I've heard people talk about their friends and relatives who are Republican as if they have the plague. Sigh. And so the incredibly narrow minded cycle continues.

Honestly, I'm not much into politics. I'm usually quiet in political conversations, preferring to listen and learn instead. Oh, but when people start getting judgmental and hateful, I find my mouth opening while my mind is saying "just be quiet!" It doesn't matter which side is bashing which side, it all bugs the ever living daylights out of me.

I would like to say, for almost no one to hear (since that's who probably reads this blog), that NO, being Republican does not make you a better Christian. And all Democrats are not crazy liberal hippies. Furthermore, just because a Christian votes for a Democrat does not mean he has voted against the Bible and against his faith. And Democrats, not all Republicans are bigoted, close-minded, judgmental Christians who don't care about the oppression of people and taking care of those in need.

Please, people, put aside the hate and be willing to listen. And for heaven's sake, quit ruffling my feathers!

On keeping the faith in grad school

A large part of my identity has been my faith in Christ. I spent years in Christian community and fellowship, involved in all kinds of ministries, growing in my understanding of what it means to be a follower of Christ. I brought that faith with me to grad school. But faith in Christ is not popular in grad school. Nor is it very tolerated or very understood. It's a taboo subject, at least if you want to be popular or respected. Yikes. You mean it's no longer acceptable to be a Christian? Wrapping my head around that has been harder than I could describe. It's made me angry, and it often leaves me really frustrated. Frustrated that I get judged for my beliefs and that sometimes, instead of really considering me for who I am, people lump me into a negative category because of what I believe. I'm one of "those Christians." To different people this means different things. But to many people in my field and the culture of where I am, it means that I am narrow minded, don't value science, and am probably quite bigoted. Do Christians sometimes earn this view? Absolutely. Do I feel like I earned this view? No.

I would like to say that I've stayed strong at all times throughout this process. That I've never questioned my faith or my identity in Christ. But that would be a lie - and probably unrealistic as well. There are days when I feel confused and lost. There are times when I'm in a "no man's land" of sorts. Not completely satisfied with my old notions of the world, but not buying into the predominant way of thinking that surrounds me either. In a word, it's uncomfortable. Without hesitation, I can say that my ultimate rudder remains Christ and His Word. But I am willing to question and learn. This produces a tension that is both unsettling and unfamiliar.

There is a book about marriage, of all things, [that I'm reading for church] that got me thinking about this tonight. It spoke to my current experience:

"In the normal, healthy Christian life, you relate Christ and the gospel to everything...But if you are natural and transparent about all of these thoughts, [people who don't believe like you do] will find it at least tedious or annoying and even offensive. He or she will say, '"I had no idea you were this overboard about your faith.'" You will just have to hide it all. The other, worse possibility is that you move Christ out of a central place in your consciousness. You will have to let your heart's ardor for Christ cool. You will have to deliberately not think about how your Christian commitment relates to every area of your life. You will demote Christ in your mind and heart, because if you keep him central, you will feel isolated from [other people]."

How much I struggle between these two possibilities! I don't want either. But I would hope to say I'm more willing to risk the first than to be in danger of the second.

[Book reference: The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller]

Come Back to Texas

Ok, ya'll, so the Mexican food really does stink in most other states. I have given several restaurants a try and some more than one chance. One word: yuck. It's pretty bad food. Actually, I'm being nice, it's really bad food. Good news is that other places in Oxford have great food. Southern, homecooked food. So I think I'll stick with those places and save Mexican for the days I'm in Texas. Sadly, to get my mexican fix while I'm here I'll have to go to Taco Bell. Speaking of Texas, I get to leave this week! I am beyond ready and am just hoping to get through these last finals and be officially DONE with my first year of graduate school!!

Eye on the Finish Line

Only a month and a half left...until I get to go home to TEXAS! This semester has been tough for a variety of reasons, but I only have a short month and a half left until I get to see my family. I've been especially homesick lately, something I didn't experience much last semester. The weeks left until the semester ends will be jam packed with activity and work. This week alone I have more than seems possible to get done (I just have to record it because it's so much) - in addition to my normal class schedule: do a psychometric literature review, revise a research proposal, edit a manuscript, attend a Big Event leader meeting, meet with an accountant to do my taxes, get the oil in my car changed, travel to Gulfport, Saucier, Hattiesburg, and Jackson to do site trainings, Relay for Life Friday night to Saturday morning (12 hour event), Big Event Saturday morning-afternoon. Oh my gosh it's ridiculous. Needless to say, May can't come soon enough!

The Grad School Dilemma

What to do when reading your assignments for class makes you feel worse instead of better? When you have so much reading that no matter how long you read it won't get done, it's not unusual to just give up and not try. That was my philosophy for a week or two, but then I decided to take a crack at my ever expanding pile of books and articles. After I finished a few, I felt accomplished, motivated. Until I checked how much of a dent I had really made: not even an indention. Sigh. I feel more behind than when I started! And this is exactly why I avoided starting in the first place. Oh, the dilemmas of grad school.