Waiting

I'm reliving a time I had right after college graduation. I didn't get into the graduate school I had planned to go to, so I had to get a job. I applied, interviewed, and was waiting. It was miserable. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what came next. No more school for next semester, no certain plan of what was ahead like the past 17 years of my life. Those were some of the most anxious weeks of my life. Sounds silly, right? I hate not knowing what to plan for. I can be laid back about some things, but not this. Right now, I am waiting again. Waiting for a phone call saying I got a job, filling out other applications in case. Having lots of spare time to sit and wonder "what if?" What if I don't get the job, what if I don't get any job? What if I have to move back home, what if I can't pay my bills? Yikes. It's scary. I find that I feel better if I keep myself moving, doing things. Yesterday I cleaned the apartment and decorated it for Christmas. My roommates were beyond thrilled when they got home! Today I've been productive as well. Every time the phone rings I jump. Every time I call a good friend or my family they ask, "Have you heard anything?" I've told them to STOP! I know they're just anxious with me, but it makes me feel crazy! It's unfortunate how at times like these all those reminders to trust in the Lord and to be anxious for nothing don't quite soothe my fears. I still lift it up to God constantly, sometimes hourly. He knows how much of a struggle this is for me, and He also knows the future. I just hope that He tells me about it soon!