Honestly

Should blogging be censored? In other words, should you censor what you say on a blog because it's open for the world wide web to see? Some things probably should be omitted. It's crazy the stuff you can find out there.

It's always tempting for me - especially when I write (even stuff no one else sees) - to censor myself. Not just details that I should leave out but also realness. You know, how you really feel about stuff - the nitty gritty truth.

I'm thinking about this because of how hard the past few months have been. Not because I want a pity party. But because writing about events is so therapeutic and freeing.

Graduating from college...not getting into my PhD program of choice...taking a local job...not getting into another PhD program of choice...taking a job in Houston...apartment getting destroyed by a hurricane...moving...job in Houston turning into a unmitigated disaster...being forced to resign...back at home for five weeks and counting...interviewing...not getting top job choice...continued searching for a job in Houston or in town

Ok, so that goes back a little farther than the last few months. I hate sounding negative. Looking at that little narrative makes me cringe. But there is so much goodness in there too - like the fact that I graduated from college in four years. Or that I LOVED my job in CS and grew so much from the experience. Or that I have family who I can come back to during hard times.

No doubt, the last few months have been stressful!! And it's hard not to consider my move to Houston a disaster over all. But even there, I see good things. Like wonderful roommates and helpful grandparents (to move me twice!), and a great church group.

I honestly have NO idea where I will be in the next few months. Or what I will be doing to earn money. I could be in town (CS) or I could be back in Houston. I could be sub-leasing my apartment or I could be living in it. I HATE the unknown. I feel discouraged and scared. Finding jobs that pay enough in the social service/mental health field without a graduate degree is TOUGH!! I hear that familiar question, "What are you going to do with a Psychology degree?!" I wasn't planning on working long before going back to school. And I wasn't planning on all this to happen before I could get back to school. It stinks.

See? That is realness! That is really how I feel. This is a very authentic experience of humility and blind faith. I am definitely NOT in control here. I am praying fervently that God places me in the exact location and job position that He wants for me. Meanwhile, I have to concentrate on breathing!!

Channeling Bethlehem

I had to find a way to console myself about this Christmas. About my lack of gift buying, my lack of participation in the normal festivities. Ok, I did go to a Christmas party - and a Christmas event for church. But it has been an unusual Christmas for me.

You know how it feels nice to have everything in order? Especially around holidays and special event times. Like birthdays, weddings, baby showers, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's, etc. Things must be perfect, orderly, beautiful, and impressive. If something out of plan happens to put a significant kink in events, it's definitely considered a disaster! This is how I used to feel. Really. It's an anxiety prone state. And that is why I'm really thankful for this Christmas.

I decided to let go. Let go of my preconceived notion of what Christmas must be. Of what I must buy, have, or be at Christmas. Because it's just not happening this year, and that's ok. I have no choice but not to participate in the commercialism of the season.

I'm not happy that I don't have a job right now - or that I might not know whether or not I do before Christmas comes around. I'm also not happy that I'm stressing about whether or not I'll be able to pay my bills - and how I'm going to put gas in my car. Living at home with mom and feeling like a twelve year old in a twenty four year old's body - "Did you leave this towel in the bathroom!?" - is lovely and reminiscent. (please note sarcasm!) Mainly, it's humbling.

That is how I feel as this Christmas is quickly coming upon us. At first, I considered being a scrooge - you know, thinking if I couldn't particpate like I wanted to, if I was having a hard time, then why not shut it out completely? But as I saw the joy of the people around me, the warm Christmas tree in my own home, the bright lights as I drove through town, as I sang my favorite carols at church, I knew that Christmas, for me this year, would be more a state of mind and soul. And I felt a peace about that.

And to console myself even further - I decided to relate it to Bethlehem. You know, how so many thousand years ago a baby was born to a poor family in a lowly manger? I really get that this year. I feel a unique sense of kinship with this family - and that maybe I don't have to miss out on Christmas after all.

Unfortunately, the History Channel decide to burst my happy connection this afternoon with its special on the History of Christmas. So Christmas started as a pagan holiday? And was converted into Christmas by the church? And Jesus was actually born in Spring?! Ok, so I knew some of that, but watching it today disillusioned me, lol. Just fyi, I'm mainly joking here, I still think celebrating Christ's birth and all it represents is a significant part of Christmas, I just didn't fully realize how it all got started!

Most of all, I know that wherever the future might find me, I'll have this holiday to look back on and remember - to be thankful, to be mindful of the fact that joy can come in any kind of circumstance - and celebration can too.

A New Earth

I am currently reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I know, I know, I'm a year behind. But I didn't really plan to read it. Curiousity and a friend to borrow it from got the best of me. I went in with a skeptical mind. Each chapter is fairly long, so I don't read more than one each night. But I have found myself intrigued and impressed. Careful, I know. I know what I believe. I know in whom I believe. I went in with those things in mind. But the way Tolle thinks and writes is truly fascinating. No wonder he captured so many peoples' attention - or did Oprah do that? Either way, I am not reading this book for Oprah! I think there is a lot of truth and wisdom in what Tolle says - but it's not the complete truth. And there is a danger in that. I know that apart from Christ, I can be or have none of what Tolle writes about. And that is the rub. So far, about once or twice every chapter, I find myself saying - um, no.....to something he writes. Interesting thought, but not quite. The same goes for Oprah, who supposedly said, "Well, I am a Christian who believes that there are certainly many more paths to God other than Christianity."

Not to split hairs here, but the very definition of a Christian is one who believes that Christ is the only way to God. Per John 14:6 - Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Tough choice, I've got to tell you. But who's it going to be, Jesus or Oprah? Sad that Oprah is misleading so many into a false definition of what it means to be a Christian. I think that she's a remarkable woman who does a lot of good. I won't even doubt that she means well - but it still makes me sad. And a bit irritated. That Christianity is misrepresented by a woman with so much influence. But I digress....For now, I will continue reading A New Earth. More to come on what I think after I've finished...

Unemployment 101

Well, I don't have that much sage advice about how to make the best of being unemployed. Mainly because I don't know how good I'm doing at it myself. It's really hard. Hard in the sense that it feels like your purpose and direction are gone. It's still incredible to me that so much of my identity and sense of security is tied up into what I'm doing (such as my job, education, activities I'm involved in, etc.) I would go ahead and say that it shouldn't be that way, that I should be able to feel purpose and direction even if I'm just waiting to hear back about a job or filling out job applications - but that's not necessarily practical. I do know who I am in Christ regardless of my circumstances, but I sure feel better about myself when I have goals and concrete purposes to work towards. Not to mention the even more practical side - finances. I really just hold my breath and pray that God provides soon so my family won't be too burdened or that I won't have a way to pay bills! Unemployment hasn't brought out the best in me the last couple weeks, and I will be the very first to admit that. It's been stress, anxiety, and then a little bit more stress. But there are good moments in between - like when I am hanging out with friends (and I completely forget my current situation), or watching a really good tv show or movie, or singing in the car to my favorite music, or spending happy, peaceful time with family.
So there are bright spots. But I want to be realistic and not sugarcoat it. It's been tough. And it's been tempting to get discouraged about everything (moving to Houston and getting a job that turned into a really tough and unfortunate work situation). I do wish that God could of shielded me from this experience, but for whatever reason, He didn't. The last several weeks, one of my prayers has been that I don't become jaded or bitter about the experience but rather learn wisdom from it then give the rest to God. And for now, my prayer is that God places me exactly where He wants me to be next.

The Million Dollar Mate

I definitely couldn't go to sleep last night, and so I went to the bookshelf in our apartment and picked a random book to read myself to sleep with. (I don't have tv or internet right now or I have to admit those might have been my first choice) The book I chose had such a cheesy title - Finding Your Million Dollar Mate. Yeah. I thought, what the heck? Maybe at the least it will be entertaining. But it was actually really good.

A lot of girls have a "list." A list of what they want in a future husband. It might be written - but more than likely it's a mental list. Mabye some guys have one too? Either way, this short, easy read of a book (it took me an hour) challenged what's on my list. The author stated that many guys concentrate on finding girls with appealing physical traits while girls often look for guys with appealing personality traits. Simple enough, and somewhat true.

The author of the book (who has now been married for thirty years) found himself disillusioned when he was a young adult and looking for a girl to marry. His own parents' marriage of twenty-five plus years broke up suddenly. They had seemed like the perfect family, even very religious and involved in a local Christian church (though not possessing a personal faith in Christ). But his father just left one day and never returned. When the author found his father, his father's reason for leaving was that he had "fallen out of love" with his wife, and that his son would understand what it was like when he was older and married. The author couldn't accept that he too would end up like his father - simply falling "out of love" with the woman he married. And so he began a journey to find the secret of couples whose marriages did make it. He didn't want to end up another divorce statistic, just like his parents - seeming like they had it all together on the outside, but unhappy and dissatisfied with their relationship behind closed doors.

What he found by surveying and interviewing dozens of couples with long lasting and healthy marriages was simple, but profound. He found that these couples had a bond that went deeper than a lot of other couples'. His theory is that many couples build their relationships on what he calls fatal attractions: alluring physical traits and engaging personality characteristics (comprised of the mind, will, and emotions). It's natural and not wrong to be attracted by these things. They make up a big part of what draws us to someone. But they aren't enough to support a lifelong marriage - because they're decreasing qualities. They are definitely not stable. With age, people physically decline and become less attractive. Likewise, peoples' personalities often change over the years, their minds can become less sharp, and their emotions inevitably shift.

However, the author points out that every person is also comprised of something deeper than their physical appearance or even their personality - their soul. The only attraction that is sturdy enough to build a lifetime relationship on is an attraction of the soul. He states that the greatest hope for a couple is to build a relationship upon a spiritual foundation. 2 Peter provides the basis for the characteristics of the soul that the author encourages people to look for:

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. 4 And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

5 In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, 6 and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, 7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

~ 2 Peter 1:3-7

These qualities, as he states, are not natural to any of us. Rather, they are a result of a supernatural salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. They are qualities of the soul brought about when a person receives the indwelling of the Holy Spirit through faith in Christ.

My favorite statement in the entire book is that in the quest for a mate, you shouldn't "look for someone who's doing stuff for God. You need to find that special someone who shows living evidence that God has done something for him or her."

The author points out that spiritual qualities are of increasing nature . 2 Peter 1:8 states, "For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." These qualities are lasting, and in someone living a life of faith in Jesus Christ, they continually increase in value and depth.

The author also gives an excellent definition of love: A commitment based on the will of God, typically undergirded by an emotion. He goes on to list many important principles in the search for a mate, such as making sure you are developing a spiritual attraction ( 2 Peter qualities are increasing within your own soul), not being in a relationship that's not built on a foundation of faith and mutual spiritual attraction, making mutual edification the goal of dating relationships, praying daily for your future spouse, and getting respected counsel to validate your choice of a mate.

So, I've already heard many of these ideas. But it really struck me that on my list, spiritual characteristics should be at the top (moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly affection, love). Not just, he has to be funny, smart, witty and tall. Yeah, I know this, and I might have heard it before, but do I purposefully look for these characteristics in people? Intuitively I am attracted to people who reflect Christ's character, whether male or female, but it's a great reminder to especially be on the lookout for these spiritual hallmarks in the lives of potential mates. And, it's a great reminder that I need to be trusting Christ to grow me into His likeness, so that I too may be developing these qualities. Overall, a great and easy read - one that I recommend as a refreshing reminder for those who are single or about to be married.

Waiting

I'm reliving a time I had right after college graduation. I didn't get into the graduate school I had planned to go to, so I had to get a job. I applied, interviewed, and was waiting. It was miserable. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what came next. No more school for next semester, no certain plan of what was ahead like the past 17 years of my life. Those were some of the most anxious weeks of my life. Sounds silly, right? I hate not knowing what to plan for. I can be laid back about some things, but not this. Right now, I am waiting again. Waiting for a phone call saying I got a job, filling out other applications in case. Having lots of spare time to sit and wonder "what if?" What if I don't get the job, what if I don't get any job? What if I have to move back home, what if I can't pay my bills? Yikes. It's scary. I find that I feel better if I keep myself moving, doing things. Yesterday I cleaned the apartment and decorated it for Christmas. My roommates were beyond thrilled when they got home! Today I've been productive as well. Every time the phone rings I jump. Every time I call a good friend or my family they ask, "Have you heard anything?" I've told them to STOP! I know they're just anxious with me, but it makes me feel crazy! It's unfortunate how at times like these all those reminders to trust in the Lord and to be anxious for nothing don't quite soothe my fears. I still lift it up to God constantly, sometimes hourly. He knows how much of a struggle this is for me, and He also knows the future. I just hope that He tells me about it soon!