Blessing in Disguise: Reaching the End of Myself

I've always considered my ability to love people [even people others don't], one of my strengths. You might even say that I have a "bleeding heart." However, in my current job, I have encountered some people so difficult, some situations so awful and frustrating, that I've been pushed to a point I never thought I'd reach. A point where I have difficulty finding any more love or empathy in my heart. Instead, I feel disgust and an overwhelming desire to wash my hands of them. It's at these times, when my heart feels so empty, that I've found myself with nothing left to do but pray. Pray because I know that I absolutely do not have the strength to go on loving and helping these people. Pray because I know that if God is going to use me to help them, the Holy Spirit will have to give me His heart for them. It's at these moments, like today, when I realize that whatever I do for these people will in no way come from me, but will come 100% from the strength God gives me and the love that He has for them. And then, instead of experiencing guilt over what I can't make myself feel, I experience a sense of freedom.

A month or so back, I had reached the end of my rope with an extremely, extremely difficult and sad case. I was DONE. Had nothing left in me to give. I felt like I had to throw in the towel or I wouldn't emotionally make it. Unfortunately, I didn't get the option of throwing in the towel, and honestly, I was really angry about it. I wanted nothing to do with it anymore and was determined to give as little emotion to it as possible so that I could protect myself. I began to feel an urge to pray about it. Stubbornly, I didn't even want to do that. But I started to. It seems pretty simple [and maybe cliche], but I can't tell you how amazed I was as my attitude began to change towards this client. I felt renewed, and when I dealt with the case, instead of feeling the usual exhaustion and resentment, I felt this sense of strength and support that I knew wasn't my own, but from the Holy Spirit. Immediately, this verse popped into my mind: But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint [Isaiah 40:31]

Obviously [as today proved], there are going to be many more cases and times like these. Times when God shows me that my own ability to love people is so incredibly feeble next to His. When my own strength is unbelievably limited and in short supply compared to His. When I become tired of bearing the burdens of just a few of His children, it makes me step back in awe and wonder at how He bears the burdens of the WHOLE WORLD. Of the neediest, the most depraved, the most lost. As I work in a profession where I daily see things that would shock and horrify almost anyone, I take comfort in knowing that there is nothing under the sun that God has not seen before, and nothing that He cannot bear. I am not alone. It's one of those moments where I have nothing left to say but what an incredible God I serve!