Defiance

Knowing that I'm going to be somewhere else this time next year has made it A LOT easier to take things in stride at work. There are so many things that make my job downright challenging. But I won't bore you with those. What really gets to me are the days when my kids are defiant with me. I knew from the get go that they were defiant with their parents, with their teachers, with everyone else. I don't know why it shocks me so much when they let me have it. When I've developed a relationship with a kid, and I'm invested in how they're doing, it's really tough when they get oppositional or rude or aggressive with me. It's hard not to take it personally. I feel like a parent - disappointed and furious and indignant all at the same time. It's hard when it feels like all of your kids are getting suspended, getting referrals, getting arrested at the same time. And when you thought you were making progress! The definition of what I do involves working with kids, who, by societies definition, are "bad kids." Except we call them "emotionally disturbed" or "behaviorally disordered." Those exact words were listed in my job description. The one that I signed. I was forewarned, but I'm just really idealistic and like to overlook details like that. In all honesty, we do serve kids who have mental illness without significant behavioral problems. However, they are few and far between. More often, I see kids with labels like conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, disruptive behavior disorder, or interrmittent explosive disorder along with their other diagnoses. What fancy words for really, really irritating behaviors. Behaviors that try the patience of every adult within a fifty mile radius. I like how one author [Dr. Douglas Riley] puts it in his book The Defiant Child, "You can't take John's behavior personally, because if you did you would want to clobber him. The desire on the part of adults to whack kids like John exposes the underbelly of many adults' responses to oppositional children." When I get a new case, the kid's reputation usually precedes him. He's gotten 50 referrals this year, he beat up his teacher, he's been to juvie ten times, no one has been able to help him, etc. It's intimidating. Who am I to offer any kind of "help"? A lot of people have tried and have given up because these kids are just too tough. As I get to know some of them, I start to see how they are misunderstood from the start. I try not to repeat that cycle. But it is pretty challenging to get past their well practiced defenses and the incredibly rude vibe so many give off. Trying to develop empathy for someone who's basic attitude is "f" you is no small effort. When I am able to see where some of these kids are coming from, it's not too hard to understand why they're like they are. It's the obvious and sad things, like an abusive parent, living in absolute poverty and survival mode, having all of your family in jail, with no one to show you a different or better way. It doesn't take an absolute rocket science [or a PhD] to figure out why these kids are "disordered." I also like what the author of The Defiant Child has to say about this, "Although it is true that many children have not been given a good chance in life because they've been raised by crazy parents or in crazy circumstances, isolating them from the consequences of their own behavior gives them no chance to learn how to be competent." I absolutely believe that all of my kids can do well, that they can do better. And I tell them that. Someone has to. They also need someone to show them how.