Never Find a Love Like This

Come Back to Texas

2011-05-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, ya'll, so the Mexican food really does stink in most other states. I have given several restaurants a try and some more than one chance. One word: yuck. It's pretty bad food. Actually, I'm being nice, it's really bad food. Good news is that other places in Oxford have great food. Southern, homecooked food. So I think I'll stick with those places and save Mexican for the days I'm in Texas. Sadly, to get my mexican fix while I'm here I'll have to go to Taco Bell. Speaking of Texas, I get to leave this week! I am beyond ready and am just hoping to get through these last finals and be officially DONE with my first year of graduate school!!

Eye on the Finish Line

2011-03-21T21:02:00.001-07:00

Only a month and a half left...until I get to go home to TEXAS! This semester has been tough for a variety of reasons, but I only have a short month and a half left until I get to see my family. I've been especially homesick lately, something I didn't experience much last semester. The weeks left until the semester ends will be jam packed with activity and work. This week alone I have more than seems possible to get done (I just have to record it because it's so much) - in addition to my normal class schedule: do a psychometric literature review, revise a research proposal, edit a manuscript, attend a Big Event leader meeting, meet with an accountant to do my taxes, get the oil in my car changed, travel to Gulfport, Saucier, Hattiesburg, and Jackson to do site trainings, Relay for Life Friday night to Saturday morning (12 hour event), Big Event Saturday morning-afternoon. Oh my gosh it's ridiculous. Needless to say, May can't come soon enough!

The Grad School Dilemma

2011-02-10T20:53:00.001-08:00

What to do when reading your assignments for class makes you feel worse instead of better? When you have so much reading that no matter how long you read it won't get done, it's not unusual to just give up and not try. That was my philosophy for a week or two, but then I decided to take a crack at my ever expanding pile of books and articles. After I finished a few, I felt accomplished, motivated. Until I checked how much of a dent I had really made: not even an indention. Sigh. I feel more behind than when I started! And this is exactly why I avoided starting in the first place. Oh, the dilemmas of grad school.

The end of the beginning

2010-12-13T14:12:00.000-08:00

My first semester of my first year of graduate school is done. I feel so much relief. It was a lot of work. I think that I'm pretty acclimated to graduate school now. This is a good and bad thing, as I know what to expect and am not necessarily jumping for joy at all the hard work coming next semester :) On a positive note, stats 2 is not supposed to be anything as hard or time consuming as stats 1. Though I did fine in this class, it was the greatest source of anxiety and stress for me, as math has always been!

I'm pretty much waiting around in Oxford right now until I head to the gulf (6 hours away) for a project Tuesday-Thursday. I really enjoyed my down time Saturday & Sunday, cleaning my apartment, going grocery shopping, watching endless episodes of Gilmore Girls, starting a new Francine Rivers novel which is actually turning out to be quite depressing (first pleasure read, if it could be called that, since July), and catching up with friends. Now, I'm kind of restless and ready to go home. Friday I'll be there!

We got some snow flurries on Sunday, and they started coming down harder after I got out of church. It took me down memory lane and made me think of where I was the last time I was driving in snow....

College Station had a freak winter last year, in fact, I think everywhere in the country did. It was the end of February, and I was on the verge of burnout (actually, I was just burnt out) with everything going on. I was working at my incredibly stressful/demanding/disorganized job and we were undergoing an audit. As usual, there was immense pressure (as in, you better get it done or we might fire you) to chase down the kids and their parents at the end of the month to get all the face to face hours in (despite the fact they moved/changed numbers/schools every week). I had to get it done early because I was driving 11 hours to Mississippi at the end of the week to go to a weekend long interview for a spot in a PhD Clinical Psychology program, what I had been working towards/waiting for the last year and a half. I had also had an interview the weekend before at a program in Texas, and I was going to have a phone interview in the middle of my 11 hour drive to Mississippi. The day before my last day of work, the freak winter weather started. It was snowing and ice was starting to cover everything (again, not the norm for Texas). Our center closed, and everyone in the entire building happily left, except for our department, because my boss said that despite the weather, we had better get our hours. I drove to schools, but they were all closed. I did what I could, and geared up for a night of packing so I could get ready to leave for my trip after work the next day. Of course, as soon as I decided to leave work, I got a call to come do a crisis screening (I was a contracted screener) in another town. If I cursed, I would have cursed then. I was so stressed that I just cried as I drove through the snow all the way to the neighboring town. Around 3am, I got another crisis call for another town. Numb and not even having enough energy left to be stressed, I headed out on what at this point, were icy, impassable roads. Since I was a crisis responder, weather wasn't an excuse for me. I saw about four wrecks during my hour drive to the hospital, and I prayed the whole way. I arrived, the screening was a big headache, and I didn't leave until the sun had come up and work was ready to start again. I came to work, delirious, unshowered, without makeup, and without sleep. I was supposed to start my trip to Mississippi that night, and I hadn't even packed a thing! I called my mom at work that morning (she hadn't even known I had been called out in the middle of the night), and I started crying and then just couldn't stop (I'm not much of a crier, so I knew that I was in a bad place, lol). I had appointments to go to, but I couldn't pull it together, so my wonderful co-worker, Jessica, stepped in for me and did them. She said something along the lines of how important this opportunity was for me (getting into a PhD program) and how that is what I needed to concentrate on. Bless her! My worried mother called my grandparents, who quickly called me, and decided that they would drive me 11 hours to Mississippi! They always wanted to visit anyways, they said. Bless them! I felt like a little kid again, and I insisted that I didn't need them to help me. Truth is, I did. I really, really needed help at this point, and I needed a break from helping everyone else for a while. The rest is history, as I did in fact make it to Mississippi, had a good interview weekend, and eventually got into the program! I am so incredibly thankful that I'm here and not there again this year, and I'm so thankful for all of the people who helped me get here!

So, yes, long story, but as I was driving through the snow yesterday, I was thankful that this time, I got to enjoy it :)

Home Again

2010-11-27T21:34:00.001-08:00

This whole semester I have been counting down to Thanksgiving. Countless hours of reading, studying, taking tests...if I can just make it to Thanksgiving. The week or two before Thanksgiving, I was completely distracted and mostly unproductive. I was going home! A week has come and gone since I drove out of sleepy Oxford to the airport and landed in Houston. Tonight, I've returned back to my other home. It feels like I've been gone a month. My world in Texas and my world here are so different. Here is consumed by school, with little time for anything in between. I desperately needed to go somewhere that would remind me that my life is not just graduate school and work. I'm back refreshed and ready to tackle finals. I have a giant heap of work waiting for me, but this time the end of the semester is just in sight.

So, about drinking...

2010-10-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

Drinking: a social activity and a controversial issue. Growing up, I was taught to view drinking as a negative activity. Something that self-controlled, religious people were safer not doing. I never saw alcohol in my house, and I never saw any of my parents or grandparents drink any. A big reason for this [the lack of drinking alcohol and the negative attitude towards it] was that both sides of my family had a history of people with serious alcohol problems. And this resulted in parts of the next generation choosing to abstain from it altogether. As I grew older [high school and college], I didn't drink because I wasn't old enough, and I didn't want to break the law just so I could drink. When I did turn 21, I was involved in youth ministry at my local church, and our pastor asked us to abstain from drinking publicly in our town [where the youth and their parents would see us]. Part of me did bristle at the thought of someone telling me what I could or couldn't do in my free time, but I accepted the fact that with a leadership role came certain sacrifices of personal rights for the better of everyone else. My kids were more important to me than being able to drink whenever and wherever I wanted to. Post-involvement in youth ministry, I drank occasionally, usually on special occasions or at nicer restaurants. For the most part, my habits are still the same. I'm an occasional drinker. I drink when I want to, but I don't feel like I have to drink all the time or at every social activity. This is just what I'm comfortable with. Sometimes, it seems like other people aren't. For several years now, I have become accustomed to getting the question, "Do you drink?" My customary answer is, "Yes, occasionally, I do." However, the typical response is, "Oh, so you don't drink then." [puzzled face by me] To which I reply, "Actually, I do sometimes, just not all the time, if that's what you mean." Here I might even talk about some of my favorite types of drinks to further illustrate that I do, in fact, drink. [Just a sidenote: I do know that I don't owe this explanation to anyone]. Somehow, I almost always end up labeled as the "one who doesn't drink." It's as if I have a sign on my forehead and no matter what I say to the contrary, I'm stuck with it. Sometimes the conversation ends after the initial one, but many times it doesn't, instead coming up repeatedly. People are just fascinated that I "don't drink." Even if I happen to drink with them chances are I will still get labeled as the person who doesn't drink. This label doesn't matter to me. Clearly, whether or not I drink alcohol has little to no bearing on how I think of myself or who I am as a person. But at times I am curious why other people label my drinking habits the way that they do. I wonder if they really understand how I feel about drinking and why I make the choices that I do?

What is true is that my faith shapes my drinking habits, but it doesn't mean that I think all drinking is wrong. I feel a desire to explain how my faith shapes my drinking habits not because I want to come across as "preachy" or judgmental in any way, but because I want people to understand where I'm coming from - in hope that it will clear up misconceptions and false ideas. I try my best to live by this verse:

Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.

~Ephesians 5:18

In other words, it's not drinking alcohol that is sinful, it's drunkenness and losing self-control that is. Another verse that shapes my life in this area:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

~1 Corinthians 6:19-20

If my body is not my own but is meant to honor God, I'm more careful about what I do with it. One of the things I'm less likely to do is get drunk because if I lose self-control, I also lose control over my ability to honor God.

Sometimes I'm around other people who are offended by alcohol for various reasons. They might have a problem history with it, painful memories associated with it, or personally believe it's wrong/offensive. Do I still have a right to drink alcohol in these situations? Of course. But I try to use this verse to guide my choices:

²³"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive.²⁴Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

~I Corinthians 10: 23-24

In other words, even though it's my right to drink alcohol when I want to, if it's going to cause someone else pain or upset, I usually try to step back and examine my priorities. What's more important, my relationship with that person and their feelings, or my rights? The Bible is pretty clear that the other person trumps my individual rights in this area.

On a practical, non-religious note, drinking is expensive. I don't drink a lot because it costs a lot of money. Also, it's fattening. I'm honestly trying to be healthier and watch my calories, and having multiple glasses of alcohol is a sure way to blow my goal of limiting calories! All that said, I love to have FUN! It can involve alcohol, but it doesn't have to. Either way, I'm game. The bottom line for me is:

³¹So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

~I Corinthians 10:31

I'm Still Alive (I Think)

2010-10-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I'm tired. This week marks the halfway point of the semester. That's right, I'm halfway done with my first semester of graduate school! I had two very intense tests this week. In fact, one of the tests was the hardest test I've ever taken. At the halfway point of the semester, I'm still alive but very ready for the other half to be over with so I can take a break. I had vague ideas of what graduate school would be like, but now I realize that I had no clue just how busy, demanding, and all consuming it is, at least in this program. I've gone through several stages of adjusting these last couple of months: having to give up a lot of outside activities/interests, getting used to working during most of my weekend, and feeling as if I don't have an identity outside of school. It's been a couple of years since I've done the whole school thing - taken tests and felt pressure to perform academically. This is another area of adjustment - because even if you were at the top of your classes in undergrad, it doesn't mean you will automatically be at the top in grad school [especially in a PhD program that was competitive to get into]. News flash: most everyone's smart and works really hard. The main take home lesson for me has been that grad school is nothing, I repeat nothing, like undergrad [people tried to tell me this but you have to experience it to believe it]. If I'm honest, there have definitely been days [multiple!] that I have questioned what I am doing here [in Mississippi, in grad school]. Some days are so tiring/rough [stats test?] that I wonder what would be so bad about dropping out and going to work at McDonald's down the street [let's be honest, it would be Chick-fil-A for me]. Despite these days, I know that this is the right field for me and the right program for me. I remember the many different things that have come together to bring me here. And when I doubt if it's all worth it and if I have what it takes, I pray that the God who led me here would also equip me with what I need to succeed. In this major marathon test of my endurance, it helps me to remember:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...

~Hebrews 12:1-2

Home

2010-09-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

I have been in Oxford for over a month and a half now. Besides living for a short time in Houston [and visiting home practically every other weekend], I have always lived in the same place. So, I wondered, as I packed the car and said goodbye, if I would get homesick once I got to Oxford. The answer so far has been no. Besides momentarily missing people back home, I haven't felt that homesick or nostalgic. Until this week. I was really stressed out and tired all week. I kind of lost my steam so to speak. The past weekend was busy and stressful with not much of a break, and then the week brought no rest either. It just seemed constant with no let up in sight. Grad school [and living in a new place] brings a lot of new experiences and a lot of new pressures. When I feel stressed or pressured, I like to retreat into my comfort zone to recharge. I found myself missing home and the familiar, not because I want to live there instead of here but because it's safe and reassuring. I would like to lay on my living room couch and watch Say Yes to the Dress with my sister or walk my dog down our street or have Friday night dinner with Matt and Mofie or weekday lunch with Jessica, Kristie, or Robin. And then come back to Oxford refreshed and ready to go! I realize this isn't possible but it sounds so

wonderful :) I realize how blessed I have been to have a place to call home - a place that I have retreated to over the years whenever I feel overwhelmed or in need of a break. I know that I will be fine and adjust in order to get through the stress. But I would be lying if I didn't say I was excited about Thanksgiving - and going home.

Happy List

2010-09-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

Things that have been making me happy:

1. Finally having some non-humid, fall days so my hair doesn't wave up within five minutes of leaving the house [!] and actually looks good all day

2. The walk from my car to the psyc building every day, sometimes multiple times a day - it's mandatory exercise!

3. Watching One Tree Hill re-runs in the afternoons [totally ridiculous show but it's a much needed mindless activity in the middle of lots of work]

4. On that note, my new DVR and the fact I figured out how to record the same show every time it's on! [I'll have more tv recorded than I can watch in a year now]

5. Finding a replacement for Blue Baker - it's called Newk's and not only do they serve really good salads, they also have fountain Cherry Coke!!!

I can't think of anymore right now, but I'm sure there are a few more. I just finished my first test today [in stats], and though part of me feels relieved, I am already onto the next million things I need to get done. But at least for tonight I'm going to be lazy! :)

24/7

2010-09-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

I thought I was busy when I worked a full time job and did part time work on the side too. But there's just something different about school, especially graduate school. It's made me realize that though I've done some hard things over the last several years, none have really stretched me as far out of my comfort zone. (Which is kind of weird to say considering the job I had!) I am pretty sure I don't remember undergraduate stretching me like this either, though it has been a while, and I could be only remembering the fun parts. I've been in graduate school for three weeks now, and there have been some really good days and some really stressful days. There are days when I think I'm getting it all down, and then days when I'm convinced I know absolutely nothing. There is more reading than I could ever hope to do in a lifetime. There is just so much information to process! It's weird not having time to call a friend or watch tv. Or having to choose between working out or reading after you've already been reading all day. It's a whole new level of busy that I'm not accustomed to. A definite blessing is all of the people in my cohort [we are called "first years"]. We go to classes together and spend a lot of time helping each other out. I really enjoy how supportive of a group it is, not to mention fun :) They definitely make this transition easier. Another nice thing is that I'm so busy all of the time that though I miss my friends and family [and dog!], I don't have much time to dwell on it. And before I know it, holidays will be here! Did I mention I get almost two months for Christmas?!

Honest Thoughts on 26

2010-08-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

For me, August 31st means turning another year older. I was trying to remember when that stopped being an event I anticipated, and I think that 22 marked the last birthday I was truly excited to be older. After 22, each successive age has been less and less welcomed! I am completely aware that I am NOT old, at least relative to most peoples' standards, whatever those might be. And yes, I avoided saying relative to normal standards, since I have spent today in Stats class and have to admit that I don't know what "normal standards" of population age are [nerd alert, I know]. Being thrown back into an undergraduate environment [because though I'm in graduate school with other grad students, 18 year olds are the majority on campus], makes me feel self conscious about my age. One advantage of being in the working world was that I was always the youngest person around. Now, even in my graduate cohort, I am one of the oldest, since a lot of PhD students in Clinical Psychology come straight out of undergrad or don't take three years off of school like I did. One consolation is that I have been told, on numerous occasions, that I look 22. That's right, the age at which I wanted to freeze time! And no, I did not pay people to say this. Most people honestly assume that I am 22 and straight out of undergrad. I am beginning to question what harm there could be in letting people assume what they want. For instance, today in class, everyone was discussing my birthday tomorrow - what we should do for it, how old I was going to be. For whatever reason, someone said I was going to be 25 [they know I graduated college in 07], and though I tried to correct them, everyone kept repeating that I was going to be 25, and I just stopped trying to change it. I would love to be turning 25 again! :) I realize how negative this all sounds - basically a mourning of my birthday. I'm also aware that though I might look four years younger, in the four years since 22, I have changed so much. In that sense, I don't really want to be 22 again. I wouldn't want to lose the intervening four years of growth, friendships, and invaluable experiences, and I know that the path that has lead me here has been purposefully and uniquely mine. So here's to 26 and another blessed year of life!

Oy Vey

2010-08-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

So I have officially finished my first week of graduate school and am entering into my second. This week has been full of many firsts, some exciting and fun, others stressful and anxiety provoking. I was wondering what my schedule would be like, and I think I have more of an idea now: class, study study, class, study study, some fun [which includes sitting around with your cohort and talking about class], study study. Really, graduate school is very different from undergraduate. Who knew? I do think it's going to take me a little bit of time to become adjusted to the amount of reading for each class. People had described it to me, but I never fully understood. News flash: it's a lot. A whole lot. At least for this PhD program. Prioritizing time is a more important skill than ever before - and forcing myself to take breaks even if it's not all done. So far, I'm really enjoying my cohort [the other first years]. It so helpful to have people to go through this transition with you. They're also a lot of fun :) I think I'm going to have "tunnel vision" for the next couple months, so I apologize to anyone who I don't call back, don't call as often, or do happen to call and talk about stats the entire time!

I'm a Student Again!

2010-08-17T17:08:00.000-07:00

The students of Ole Miss don't really return until right before classes start. In College Station, they seem to literally flood back in weeks before. I left town just in time to come to a quiet & peaceful Oxford. That's going to change in a matter of days, I'm told. I'm pleasantly surprised with how easy it is to get around campus! The whole town is pretty straightforward, actually. Today, I officially felt like a student, as I met with my professor, went to two campus libraries, got my student id, and bought a parking decal. It's like going back in time, except a little different. This time things like the word thesis are being thrown around from day one. I know that graduate school is unlike undergrad in many ways, and I'm happy about that. I am a little nervous about this whole PhD process, as I have very little idea what to expect. My professor got my mind started on ideas for my thesis today, and I went to the library to check out a couple of books that are actually really good studies related to my interests. It looks like I'm going to be doing A LOT of reading aside from just my classes. I know that this is the perfect environment for me, but I can't help being a little nervous as I return to being a student - in a very different type of way!

Howdy from Oxford

2010-08-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

My family left me here early Saturday morning. I was really exhausted, so I spent a lot of the day being lazy and watching my new Hallmark channel full of cheesy [but addicting!] movies. I have yet to meet any of my neighbors. When my family was here, they met several of them, but I think they must be hiding from me! [or my family is just a lot more friendly than I am]. Sunday I ventured out to a church, where the whole Ole Miss football team happened to be visiting?? Needless to say, it was super crowded. My mom asked me if I met anyone at church. I told her no; I went and then I left. Sure, I shook some hands and said hello during the customary "meet and greet" part, but other than that, it was a short and sweet visit. Overall, I really liked the church. I'm still getting used to everyones' super thick southern accents [everyone who spoke during the service had one]. Next Sunday, I plan to try another church, and then make my decision. One thing I noted: women wear dresses to church, no pants - jeans must be taboo as well, for both men and women. I headed to the local McAlister's to pick up a salad to go after church. The McAlister's in Oxford is the original restaurant, and it also happens to be VERY crowded after church. I waited for over forty-five minutes for a salad. Meanwhile, I got to do lots of people watching. It looked like the students are back in town, especially a lot of sorority girls! Sunday was a big, social day for me [ha!], as I went to church and drove to a suburb of Memphis to meet my friend Julie for post dinner dessert. She's been on an internship in DC all summer and happened to be driving back through Memphis on her way to College Station. It was only an hour from me to the suburb she was staying in, so the opportunity to meet couldn't be passed up. Funny thing is, we had a slight miscommunication on which suburb to meet in, and I ended up in a Chili's in Collierville while she was in a Chili's in Germantown. Luckily, they were only fifteen minutes apart, and we met at last. However, I think the the staff at Chili's were beginning to think I was a sad, lonely girl being stood up for a date because I waited so long! :) I got home late last night [midnight], so I slept in today and have been lazing around since then. This week is pretty much open until Thursday, when grad orientation starts. It's weird to have so much open free time with no plans. I don't really feel lonely, but I am ready for things to start. I have way too much time to think of things: what are my classes going to be like, what will my lab be like, what will I write my thesis about [!], will I like the people in my classes, will they like me, will I meet people at church, who will I hang out with, blah, blah, blah. New beginnings are pretty weird. As much as I miss my family and friends, want to know the thing I really miss right now? My dog. Yep, I wish my mom could ship her to Oxford along with the jeans I left behind.

Why You Shouldn't Work Out Past Ten

2010-08-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

It's past 11pm, and I'm feeling wired. Definitely not ready for bed. This week is crunch week for me as I prepare for my last day of work on Friday and moving next Wednesday. I worked late tonight [until 8] and then came home, walked the dog, and went to the gym. I had no intention of walking the dog, but I've been neglecting her the last month, and I felt guilty ignoring her pleading barks since I'll be gone in just a week. Unfortunately, walking the dog isn't that great of a work out because her little legs can't go too far, so I still had to go to the gym. What a dilemma. Actually, I do have a real dilemma. I have twenty plus hours of work to finish and only sixteen hours left to work. I am going to have to request overtime my last week. I am just trying to breathe as I finish up this mountain of work and pack and see people one last time - I can't wait until I'm settled and on the other side of all of this!

Ready!

2010-07-31T23:42:00.000-07:00

I'm super excited and ready to go...to Oxford. I have eaten my way through the last couple of weeks, visiting all of my favorite restaurants one last time and having far too many desserts along the way. Tonight was the Taste of Texas, and though it was beyond delicious, I feel seriously sick. For the last six months [really more], I've been fairly disciplined about what I eat, so this last month has been a change from my norm. And I'm paying for it. A diet will have to start once I get moved and settled in! I can't wait to load up all of the new stuff I have stored in the garage and in rooms in the house and set it up in my new apartment. And when I say stuff, I mean I have some stuff. A lot of stuff. Most of it my mom and grandmother have collected for me, and I will be unpacking it for the first time when I move in. It will be kind of like Christmas. Saying goodbye to clients has been harder than I thought it would be, and I said goodbye to my first co-worker on Friday [she's on vacation and not back until I'm already gone]. It feels so weird. I know it will be hard to say goodbye to my family too. But when people ask me how I feel about moving in less than two weeks, I typically answer, "I'm excited! I'm ready. But I will miss you of course!" :)

The Help, Inception, & Ikea

2010-07-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

Three totally different things that I have something to say about. All awesome in their own way.

The Help: I bought it the week before last and finished it by the end of the week. The time I spent not reading it [working, at the gym, sleeping, etc], I spent thinking about reading it. It was GOOD. I hesitate to publicly declare my love for this book because of the controversy that surrounds it, at least in some circles. Controversy about the fact that it's a novel portraying the black experience in Mississippi in the 1960's, but it's written by a white woman. The author writes the voices of three narrators who guide us through the story, two of whom are black women working as maids/nannies in the homes of white women. Their dialogue is written in a very stereotyped southern, black style. How do I know what black women working as maids in Mississippi in the 1960's talked like? Well, I don't. I have to be honest, before I read some of the reviews, I was thinking she did an excellent job writing their dialogue. I was completely entertained the whole way through. But it did not escape my notice [though I didn't dwell on it much] that the white characters didn't talk in stereotypical southern language. If you've been to Mississippi, you know they talk southern! Some people are saying the author exaggerated the black vernacular while not portraying the white southern vernacular at all. I agree. In the end, I simply took the book for what it was: a fictional story written by a white woman who grew up in the south during the 1960's [and who had a black nanny/maid of her own]. Her explanation at the end of the book is excellent and helps the reader to understand the characters and events in the story more fully. An wondeful book that is surprisingly well written considering it's by a first time author. Definitely worth reading!

Inception: intense! Wow, this movie was mind-blowing. A friend and I didn't know what else to see, so we picked it. I had no idea what it was about. But the theatre was packed, and we saw it on a huge screen with the loudest surround sound speakers I have ever experienced. It was almost three hours of action packed suspense. It's nearly impossible to explain; something about a dream within a dream within a dream and planting ideas in peoples' heads while they're sleeping. All I have to say is just see it.

Ikea: I had never been before this weekend. I was looking for bed frames, but I came out with some other stuff too. It was pretty overwhelming but very cool. I have been in complete nesting mode for the last several months as I prepare to move. I have never had a place of my very own to decorate/furnish, and I love to pick stuff out. I have this perfectionistic streak that comes out when I'm decorating a space. Everything has to be just so, and I get really carried away with what I think I "need" for it to look good. This weekend, as I spent time with some other friends who have new apartments, I realized how overboard I tend to go. Honestly, I just enjoy making a space look nice and homey, but I can start to get intense about it and this weekend reminded me to relax; it's no big deal if it doesn't look perfect or if I'm missing a dining room table!! :)

Countdown

2010-07-11T18:15:00.001-07:00

I am in countdown mode, and it feels funny. With only a matter of weeks until I move out of state, my to-do list is constantly growing. It's hard being at work because all I can think of is stuff I need to get done to be ready to move. My heart is not there. I'm still excited, but sometimes this excitement turns into a little bit of apprehension as I think of all the things I need to do and buy. The apartment complex I'm moving into gave me a little scare by telling me that they made a mistake and don't have a one bedroom apartment available after all. Unfortunately, this means I have to pay a lot more for a two bedroom two bath. Apartments are in such high demand and low supply in Oxford that I couldn't really haggle much. Other than that, everything is coming along fine. I had no idea how much stuff there is to buy for your own place!! It's endless and very expensive. One reason I am loving this whole moving thing right now is because everyone is so extra nice to me! haha I keep telling them that they're only pretending that they're going to miss me but are going to have a secret party when I go! :) I will truly miss all of the wonderful people in my life here. Why is it that you only fully realize how good you have it when you are leaving it behind?

Sad for Texas

2010-07-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

Today some news made me happy to be moving to a state other than Texas but so incredibly sad for my home state. The likelihood of significant budget cuts to public mental health services in Texas was announced today. [And yes, Mississippi has better funding for mental health services than we do!] Our center's executive director had already talked to us about the possibility of the cuts, but seeing it in the news made it seem a lot more real and scary. With Obama's new healthcare legislation, we are expecting an overflow of newly insured people seeking mental health services within the next couple of years. We are already serving a number much larger than what we are funded to serve because the state mandates we cannot deny services to a person with Medicaid. So, we are expecting an incredible increase in the number of people we are not allowed to turn away, while we are also expecting an incredible decrease in funding to provide services to these people?? Brilliant, Texas, brilliant. We currently rank 49th in the US for mental spending per capita, why not go for 50th? Our budget is horribly insufficient to meet the needs of our consumers. Our employees are paid peanuts and have less than desirable working conditions. This is hands down been one of the very hardest jobs I think that I will ever do. Period. I have made it two years which, sadly, is considered a long time for my type of position. Why? Because the system in which I work is BROKEN. It's absolutely, incredibly, mind blowingly frustrating to work in. And now the state of Texas had decided to make it WORSE. The Department of State Health was ordered to cut it's budget and it did. By taking almost half of the money from mental health services - taking $80 million from the 39 public mental health centers and $40 million from the 5 state hospitals [where it's already a forever long wait to get a bed - believe me, I've stayed up all night with clients in the ER trying to get them one!] We finally got funding for crisis services several years ago, and it's been wonderful to have a crisis team - they handle mental health crises for the entire Bryan/College Station area. They are facing a proposed $10 million reduction. What will happen to all of these people who are going to be without mental health services, Texas? They will be homeless in your streets, overcrowding your jails, causing devastating problems in your schools, and overflowing your emergency rooms. And Texans will foot the bill, which will cost MUCH more than the outpatient services provided to people at public mental health centers. An unwise and incredibly devastating move all around, Texas.

Link to a news article [from which I got my info]:

http://www.statesman.com/news/texas-politics/mental-health-programs-hit-hard-in-proposed-budget-791351.html

Before I Go

2010-06-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

I plan on spending this last month or so in Texas doing a farewell tour of all the things and people I like and will miss. For instance, Schlitterbahn with my sister, the lake with Jessica, my grandparents' farm, friends in Houston, a Taste of Texas [restaurant] trip with other friends. I also have a list of places I want to eat in town: La Bodega, Hullabaloo, La Riviera, Atami, Cafe Capri, Fuzzy's Taco...I think there are more. It's super hard to concentrate on work right now, when all my energy is focused on the process of leaving and starting something new. Today, Jessica [my co-worker] told me I had senioritis, and it made me laugh because I haven't been a senior in a long time! Stinky thing is, when I was a senior [at least in high school], I got to slack off a lot towards the end. It's going to be the same amount of work until the last day with this job! Boo. I'm dreading telling some of my kids that I'm leaving. Part of me doesn't want to tell others because I think, "What if they're happy?" Ha! Several people have asked me if I'm having a going away party. I think I will have lots of mini going away parties with lots of different people. The truth is, I'm only going to be 11 hours away. Far, but not another country. I'll come back and visit. I have all these little things to get done - my to-do list is really long and always changing. I have several more Wal-Mart and Target trips to make. I already did some major damage at Target this weekend. Honestly, that is my favorite part of it all right now; getting to buy stuff for my new home. I'm officially reading my first book for graduate school, and I'm really pumped about it. Hello, nerd. For right now, I'm super excited. I do know that when I get moved and it all settles in, there might be some sadness too. Texas is a great home.

Hotty Toddy

2010-06-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

One way to describe the drive from Texas to Mississippi on I-20: Texas-bumpbump-Mississippi. Seriously, Louisiana's roads are awful. As soon as you hit the their state line, it's rough driving. And as soon as you pass into the next state line, it's smooth again. Mississippi was a pleasant surprise. At least the I-20 drive to Jackson and the I-55 drive to Oxford were beautiful. Everything is extremely well kept and green. So green. Oxford was all that a southern town should be. I had seen it once before, but I was so focused on my interview that weekend that it's a complete blur. Summer in Oxford means huge magnolia trees with white blooms, hydrangeas all over the place, and huge, live oaks shading everything in sight. The campus is gorgeous. It looks like a picture out of Southern Living, as my mother kept saying. Imagine tons of white pillar columns and red brick. Most people there are extremely friendly and very southern. Women go in line first, always say yes m'am, talk with a drawl so thick you can't understand kind of southern. It's like stepping back in time. Some observations made by myself and by my mom [disclaimer: these are all generalizations & exaggerations]:

~ A lot of the women look like they're going to a beauty pageant [big hair, lots of makeup & jewelry, dressed to the nines]

~A lot of the guys are super fratty [pink polos, starched khaki shorts, sperry's]

~There is still a sense of racial tension/separation in the area [especially between African American/Caucasian people]. I think it's probably improved a lot over the years, but it's still there, and it's sad.

~Things close really early in Oxford. We tried to go to fast food restaurant at 8 on a Saturday night and it was closed.

The square in downtown Oxford is where everything happens. There are lots of good, local restaurants and boutiques with great clothes. Oxford is so proud of their square that they don't want anyone commercial coming in town & putting local owners out of business. They wouldn't let Target come. I'm a little bitter about that one. The nearest town with things like a mall or Target is about 45 minutes away. Memphis is about an hour away. Good news is that I found my apartment and furniture! I'm that much closer to moving and settling in. I think it's a really charming, fun town, and I can't wait to explore it more!

Mississippi Bound

2010-06-07T21:26:00.001-07:00

I'm headed to Oxford, Mississippi this week to find a place to live. And to show my mom where I'll be living. I'm happy for a break from work. I'm excited to see a place that I only briefly saw several months ago [in the dead of winter] on a super-stressful weekend. I'll be seeing it with new eyes this time because I know for sure it will be home. I'm borrowing a GPS [thank you, Jessica] because heaven knows I didn't inherit a sense of direction from my mother. I have finally reconciled myself to the idea of living alone my first year of graduate school. So, I'm searching for a one bedroom apartment. Up to now, the thought of living roommate-less depressed me. Something changed, and I decided that it might be nice to have a place to call my own for a while. It's a pretty long drive to Oxford, but just short enough to drive in one day. The perfect distance from home if you ask me. I keep telling my family to just imagine that I'm living in Lubbock. Honestly, I'm not quite sure about calling my future home state Mississippi. Hopefully I can keep my license plates?? Oxford, it's a wonderfully charming town. But Mississippi? You know all the jokes. Not most peoples' number one state. Hopefully it will surprise me, but if not, at least Memphis and Nashville aren't too far away! Anyways, I hope to come back with a place to live and a better sense of where I'll be calling home for the next several years.

What I Don't Always Do

2010-06-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

A man's wisdom gives
him patience;
it is to his glory
to overlook an offense.

~Proverbs 19:11

Overlooking offenses. Who does that? It seems so incredibly counter-intuitive.
True confession: I have absolutely failed at overlooking anything the past couple weeks. If you looked at me wrong, I probably got offended. There are several reasons for this and lots of excuses, but I know it's true. Some things are much harder to overlook than others. Things that hurt our ego, things that touch too close to an already sensitive area, things that make us afraid. General human wisdom advises to get even when wronged. Godly wisdom advises to show grace. [Note: This is not the same as letting people abuse or harm you]. There are many times when I feel offended and am dying to let someone know about it, but I feel God saying, "Grace, show them grace." The hot burn of my anger fades, and I began to feel compassion. And the ability to overlook whatever offense seemed so grievous just a moment before. I gain perspective. And in that perspective comes glory. My take home point: The Christian brings glory to himself and God by showing grace when offended.

Almost Makes Me Want a Minivan

2010-05-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I should definitely be in bed right now, but my sleep schedule is really off. I've been staying up late to read, and then I feel totally exhausted by the afternoon of the next day. Today, I came home with every intention of exercising, but instead, I crashed for two hours. Now I'm wide awake. Bummer. Who says reading is good for you?

Currently, I'm reading:

Next, I want to read:

and:

And this, well this is just AWESOME, and if you haven't seen it yet, you are missing out [and it will help you understand my title!]:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3F1FhW4

Junk in My Trunk

2010-05-23T21:30:00.001-07:00

Every weekend I am trying to make myself do a little bit of cleaning. I don't want to leave it all to the last minute before I move. When I say cleaning, I mean C-L-E-A-N-I-N-G. Hours of work, you forget to eat you're so into it kind of cleaning. Last weekend, I purged myself of countless piles [and plastic bags full] of paper, as I took a trip through the paper history of the last few years of my life. This weekend, I cleaned my TRUNK. The trunk that has not been cleaned since I got my car. The trunk that I used as storage for anything I didn't know what else to do with. The trunk that I was afraid to open because I didn't know what might jump out at me. I had so much stuff in there that it would all roll around when I made sharp turns [and if you know me, that might or might not happen a lot]. Friends used to ask me why I was driving around with a dead body. I was hoping there wasn't one in there. So this weekend, I made sure I was wearing clothes I didn't mind sweating in [um, more like pouring sweat], and I got to it, a little afraid of what I might find. Hours later, I had a clean trunk, and a clean car. And some of my favorite CD's back. I now feel like a new woman! Next up is my closet *shudder*

One of those Days

2010-05-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

Anyone remember this book??

I loved it as a kid. I haven't read it in years, but I can still remember most of it. Something about Alexander getting white tennis shoes and his brothers getting cooler ones with color on them...anyways, today was not so hot for me. I've been in this funky mood all week, and things [or people!] are just not conspiring to make it better. I have never ever had a thick skin, but during weeks like this, it becomes thinner. Not only am I more easily hurt/offended, I'm also more easily annoyed/angered. This is a change because it usually takes a lot to make me truly angry [not just my teasing/I'm being dramatic angry]. This just in: people are shockingly mean and rude. And I want to tell them about it. But will I? Probably not. But I will tell them in my head repeatedly, will whine and vent to whoever is nearby, and I will feel sorry for myself. Yes, that is the kind of day I had today. Sad, huh?? Fortunately, I also ran into some truly nice people, you know, the ones that come along at just the right time and make you feel ok again. They helped to soothe my hurt feelings and made me remember that everyone really isn't against me after all. Thank goodness for them.

How to Avoid McDonald's Like the Plague

2010-05-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

It's embarrassing to admit that I like McDonald's. There are lots of other places I enjoy going to more, but I get these ridiculous cravings for McDonald's. I know, I disgust myself too. I will be having a bad day, and think, "Wow, I really need to go through the McDonald's drive-thru, that would just make everything ok again." Not kidding. This is a bad habit that started from childhood. I blame my parents. This past week, I had several strong cravings, but I resisted. I would resist one day and the craving would go away, only to re-surface the next day. I kept thinking that maybe if I resisted long enough the cravings would become more and more spaced out and then die altogether. McDonald's anonymous anyone? It's not until you're craving McDonald's that you notice there's one on EVERY CORNER. I mean, really. Good news is, the cravings did go away. I didn't think about McDonald's the whole weekend. Success.

I'm in a little bit of a diet slump right now. I'm tired of being on one. It's a constant battle in self control and discipline. Some of the time, I do really well and feel incredibly motivated. But just as often, I wish I could blink my eyes and poof, reach my goal. I've finally given up drinking soda on a regular basis, but I was only able to do that by replacing it with sweet tea [still not the best, but actually better for you than soda - depending on where you get it from & how much sugar they pour in!] Now, it's time to eliminate the sweet tea too. Sigh. Splenda here I come. *Shudders* Something really good that's come from efforts to lose weight is that regular exercise has become a ingrained part of my life for the last year or two. I feel all in a funk if I go more than a couple days without exercise. I wish not eating healthy would make me feel as bad too. Unfortunately, no such luck there!

Comfortable

2010-05-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel in College Station. It's like a cozy bed early in the morning: warm, familiar, and so hard to make yourself leave. Before I knew for sure that I was leaving, I felt stir crazy. I have wanted to get out for years. I thought I would suffocate if I had to stay here. I used to jokingly say, "If I'm dying, please wheel me across the city limit line so I can at least say I died in Navasota." I was very, very happy to hear that I was getting to leave. Go somewhere new. Start something new. I still am. But now, I'm realizing how comfortable I am here. I have my routines, my family, the people I hang out with. I resisted settling in here after college because I always planned on leaving, being gone soon. But even with the resisting, some settling has happened. And now I have to pick myself up out of this familiar place and go somewhere new: new people, new place to live, new church, oh, yeah, and that five year PhD program I hardly know anything about. I start sweating a little bit when I think about writing that dissertation. I'm happy, but it's bittersweet. I will miss my dog. I will miss my family. And I will miss my friends. In that order. Just kidding. Really though, leaving has made me realize how truly blessed I am here in College Station.

Worth It

2010-05-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

Kids...a total pain or worth it? Being completely honest, there are days when I find myself asking this question [if you read my last post you might understand why]. Sometimes there are whole weeks when I'm asking this question [and feeling guilty for it]. But to sum up what I've learned about working with kids [paraphrased from a scene in the new movie the Back-up Plan [think Jennifer Lopez]:

Scared dad to be: How is it? Being a parent?
Dad: Well, it's awful. Really awful. And then it's awful some more.
Scared dad to be: Really?
Dad: Yeah. But then there's these moments, you know. And suddenly it all seems worth it.

Days of hard work. Frustration. Disobedience. Defiance. Repeating yourself ONE MILLION times. Thinking they might NEVER get it. And then...a moment. Of insight, of obedience, of sweetness. And you realize that you might have been getting through all along. It can be as simple as a little hand reaching out to hold yours, a surprise hug, a teen who finally opens up and shares for the first time, a kid who says, "I missed you." It's really the little things. And they absolutely, positively, make it WORTH IT.

Defiance

2010-04-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

Knowing that I'm going to be somewhere else this time next year has made it A LOT easier to take things in stride at work. There are so many things that make my job downright challenging. But I won't bore you with those. What really gets to me are the days when my kids are defiant with me. I knew from the get go that they were defiant with their parents, with their teachers, with everyone else. I don't know why it shocks me so much when they let me have it. When I've developed a relationship with a kid, and I'm invested in how they're doing, it's really tough when they get oppositional or rude or aggressive with me. It's hard not to take it personally. I feel like a parent - disappointed and furious and indignant all at the same time. It's hard when it feels like all of your kids are getting suspended, getting referrals, getting arrested at the same time. And when you thought you were making progress! The definition of what I do involves working with kids, who, by societies definition, are "bad kids." Except we call them "emotionally disturbed" or "behaviorally disordered." Those exact words were listed in my job description. The one that I signed. I was forewarned, but I'm just really idealistic and like to overlook details like that. In all honesty, we do serve kids who have mental illness without significant behavioral problems. However, they are few and far between. More often, I see kids with labels like conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, disruptive behavior disorder, or interrmittent explosive disorder along with their other diagnoses. What fancy words for really, really irritating behaviors. Behaviors that try the patience of every adult within a fifty mile radius. I like how one author [Dr. Douglas Riley] puts it in his book The Defiant Child, "You can't take John's behavior personally, because if you did you would want to clobber him. The desire on the part of adults to whack kids like John exposes the underbelly of many adults' responses to oppositional children." When I get a new case, the kid's reputation usually precedes him. He's gotten 50 referrals this year, he beat up his teacher, he's been to juvie ten times, no one has been able to help him, etc. It's intimidating. Who am I to offer any kind of "help"? A lot of people have tried and have given up because these kids are just too tough. As I get to know some of them, I start to see how they are misunderstood from the start. I try not to repeat that cycle. But it is pretty challenging to get past their well practiced defenses and the incredibly rude vibe so many give off. Trying to develop empathy for someone who's basic attitude is "f" you is no small effort. When I am able to see where some of these kids are coming from, it's not too hard to understand why they're like they are. It's the obvious and sad things, like an abusive parent, living in absolute poverty and survival mode, having all of your family in jail, with no one to show you a different or better way. It doesn't take an absolute rocket science [or a PhD] to figure out why these kids are "disordered." I also like what the author of The Defiant Child has to say about this, "Although it is true that many children have not been given a good chance in life because they've been raised by crazy parents or in crazy circumstances, isolating them from the consequences of their own behavior gives them no chance to learn how to be competent." I absolutely believe that all of my kids can do well, that they can do better. And I tell them that. Someone has to. They also need someone to show them how.

Highway 20 Ride

2010-04-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, I can't stand it when people post song lyrics, even though now that I think about it, I've done it in the past. Even so, I absolutely love this song by the Zac Brown Band and had to post part of it:

I ride east every other Friday
But if I had it my way
A day would not be wasted on this drive
And I want so bad to hold you
Son, there’s things I haven't told you
Your mom and me couldn't get along

So I drive and I think about my life
And wonder why that I slowly die inside
Every time I turn that truck around
Right at the Georgia line
And I count the days
And the miles back home to you
On that Highway 20 ride

So when you drive
And the years go flying by
I hope you smile
If I ever cross your mind
It was the pleasure of my life
And I cherished every time
And my whole world
It begins and ends with you
On that Highway 20 ride....

First of all, I love the Zac Brown Band because their sound is incredible. Zac Brown's voice is so rich and smooth, I think I could listen to anything he sings, no matter the lyrics. But when I heard this song for the first time the other day, I just started to cry. It's a complete sentimental surprise in an album full of more lighthearted country lyrics.

You'd have to be pretty hard hearted not to be a little bit moved by this song, but it made me start thinking about when I was a kid. Every other Friday my dad picked us up for the weekend. In all honesty, most of the time I was pretty mad that I had to go at all. Divorce, especially a messy one, is so hard for kids to understand. The complete split of a family [in particular when it's not amiable] is one of the most unnatural and heartwrenching things. I remember how I felt, but I never thought about it from a dad's perspective before. This song reminds me that divorce can be pretty rough on the parent too. My favorite part: When the dad says he counts the days and miles back home to his son. To him, home is wherever his son is.

The Third Time IS A CHARM!!!

2010-04-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Ole Miss [The University of Mississippi] to earn my PhD in Clinical Psychology!

I've had this goal, for I don't know, at least ten years. I've always wanted to become a psychologist. Kind of weird to tell people when you're in junior high, but yes, that was my dream. And it's been one long road to get there! As long as I could remember, I had my sights set on getting a PhD, the degree that leads to becoming a psychologist. I thought that I would take an AP course in Psychology, declare a psyc major in college, volunteer at a helpline, etc., you know all of the usual stuff, and then I would get in without much trouble. Unfortunately I had NO idea how tough it was to actually get into this very competitive field! With acceptance rates of less than 5%, I found out that my graduate program of choice was one of the most notoriously difficult graduate fields to enter in the country. I was told that it would probably be easier to get into medical school. Awesome. Rejection year one, year two...my plans and dreams had to be adjusted as I stayed in College Station - somewhere I had planned to leave long ago. It was an extremely humbling process. My conversations with God would go something like this: I'm a little confused, I thought this was what you wanted me to do? At times I considered dropping my dream and going a different route [masters degree, another field, etc]. But for whatever reason, I always came back to the fact that this was what I was supposed to do. In the meantime, I've gained some awesome [albeit very challenging] experiences in the field that will give me a unique perspective in graduate school. The last three years have represented a lot of hard work and prayers towards this goal, and part of me can't believe that I've reached it!! I'm still in a little bit of shock. I'm taking a short breather to enjoy this milestone before I embark on five more years of hard work. But I couldn't be happier!

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

2010-04-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

Mom: Parents aren't putting candy in kids' baskets anymore. Look at this newspaper article.

Me: That's terrible. Granola instead of cadbury eggs?!

Mom: Yeah, but kids are really fat these days.

Me: We're getting candy in our baskets, though. Right?

Mom: What baskets?

Sister & Me: You mean we're not getting Easter baskets?!?!

[Ok, it was mainly me that complained...]

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S

2010-04-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

Crafting the Perfect Christian Dating Profile

[entry # 496 on stuffchristianslike.net]

Step 1: Your Profile Name

Your name is half of the first impression you make. And unlike your legal name, you get to choose this one. So don’t waste your chance at a first impression with some play on your real name. ‘SassySally777’ just doesn’t cut it, and makes you sound like a person who likes wearing light-up Christmas sweaters.

You are trying to make the impression that you are ready to rock someone’s world like an earthquake, a volcano and a hurricane all in one, and you love Jesus! Ladies, how about ‘FisherofMen,’ or even ‘A Little Bit of Mary, a Little Bit of Martha.’ I don’t even know what that last one means, but it sounds provocative! Guys, I wouldn’t suggest either of those names for you.

Step 2: The Picture

The picture on your profile is the other half of your first impression. There are a couple of things to keep in mind when choosing the all important photo of yourself.

You may choose to post a photo of yourself looking really holy, like a shot of you praying really intently or waving your arms in the air during church. Remember that a black and white or sepia toned photograph automatically looks 30% holier.

Unattractive photos of yourself are okay, even good. A real Christian will see your inner beauty, so any effort toward outward appearances will only hinder a godly attraction.

You can also add lots of ‘flair’ to your photo. Find clip art of crosses, Jesus fish, praying hands, Bibles, hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Like a church logo, the more flair you have, the holier you will look.

You may post a photo of you and a friend. Exercise caution when choosing a friend picture though. Some general guidelines include:

You met your friend in a third-world country.

You helped rebuild your friend’s village.

Your friend is an adorable mission trip child.

Step 3: What Relationship You Are Looking For?

Many services give you the option of stating what sort of relationship you are pursuing. Some services have pre-set options to choose from, others let you type your own.

Some people choose ‘Anything’ or ‘Random Play’ from the list. Sounds exciting, but dirty. A real Christian would choose ‘Marriage and lots of babies right now, please!’

If you’re stumped, just start with any word you would use to describe your walk with Jesus: Blessed. Amazing. Passionate. Awesome. On fire. Potluck.

Step 4: Your Interests

This is a biggie, the place where you tell the world what makes you special and unique. Other people are going to be witty or post a poem or some nonsense, but as a Christian, you’ve really only got three options.

Option 1: Proselytize Us
It seems there are a number of non-Christians out there on dating sites. I think some people actually have a thing for Christians. They’re just looking for some nice shiny Christian to lure, trap, and corrupt. If you find yourself on a date with one of these types, it’s easy enough to ward off damnation. Just make a cross with your two index fingers at your date and yell, “Unequally yoked! Unequally yoked!”

If you attract these types, you could find yourself going through this a lot, or you can avoid it altogether. The goal here is that upon reading your profile, the sweaty heathen will be instantly born-again, rendering him a viable match. Consider the following example:

“I am a worthless sinner saved through faith in the love and grace of our glorious Lord Jesus. I also like romantic movies.”

Response: “This girl is hot. Whatever she likes, I’m in. I now also love Jesus and romantic movies.”

Problem solved. You are now equally yoked.

Option 2: Intimidate Us
This option is aimed toward all your viewers who, while they may be Christians, may not quite reach the mark of holiness you require. Anyone who reads your profile will instantly know that he has just ‘been served,’ that it ‘is on now,’ and that he is now required to ‘step up.’ Take for example:

“I am looking for a REAL MAN of God.”

Response: “Aw, it’s on now! Here I am, but guess what? Shawty can’t handle this:”

“I am looking for a REAL Ephesians 5:22 lady.”

Option 3: Tell Us Your Real Interests
It should go without saying, but some people need it repeated. If you are interested in attracting Christians, you are not interested in anything except:

THE BIBLE

GOD

JESUS

serving HIM

See how I put those in all caps? That’s how you know I’m serious. The Bible isn’t just any hobby. It’s my life. I use lowercase letters for lesser interests like The Lord of the Rings (which will be your only other interest.)

Why should you not list any other interests? Because any real Christian will see right through to your worldliness:

Jazz Music: That’s baby-making music. How do you know about that anyway?
Television: It’s just sex and violence.
Cars: Jesus didn’t have a car.
Football: Way too much butt slapping.
The stock market: Better to store up treasures in heaven.

There you have it, a complete Christian dating profile. Take my advice, and you will be a steaming chunk of sexy Christian temptation. Anyone fortunate enough to see your profile will be overtaken by a fit of smoldering passion and desire to read The Five Love Languages with you, participate in several weeks pre-marital counseling, get married, and settle down into a nice quiet Christian life. That’s hot!

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/02/496-crafting-the-perfect-christian-dating-profile/

Even When

2010-03-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

God is good, even when terrible things are happening. Do I really believe that God is sovereign when I'm suffering - even if the suffering is terrible? People who maintain their faith in the midst of incredible trials encourage my faith more than any other thing I can think of. The faith and honesty of this 33 year old father and husband with stage 4 colon cancer especially encouraged me:

The Story of Zac Smith

Here is a link to his blog:

Zac Smith Blog

Please pray for him & his family!

Baby You the Whole Package, Plus You Pay Your Taxes

2010-03-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

I got a cold this week. And I felt especially miserable last night. I hate not being able to breathe and having the "my head is about explode" cold feeling. So, I stayed home today from work. And slept for a good part of the day. But now, instead of feeling better, I have that I slept too much & now I'm in a funk feeling. If I'm completely honest, another reason I stayed home was to call the IRS. I tried calling their helpline after five one day this week. Someone answered, I explained my question, and they transferred me to the "correct department." Except they didn't. And I waited forty-five minutes to be told so. I eventually gave up and decided to call during the work day, when *hopefully* the wait would be less. I called this afternoon, and it was. But they were still very confused by all the transferring business. After some general confusion and me being meaner than I usually am, I got the right department. And found out that I don't get a tax credit like I thought, but that I owe taxes. Sweet. So all of you out there who are getting those nice refunds, please share the love. I'm a poor social worker. Ha!

Because I Couldn't Help Myself

2010-03-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.

Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?

---------

Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

---------

Pam: If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally not true and I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.

Dwight: Oh, man! Am I a woman?

Don't Worry, Be Happy

2010-03-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

My favorite show: The Office. I've started putting people into two categories: people who like The Office, and people who don't. I seriously reconsider friendships with the second category.
Ha! I'm partially kidding. But I will definitely question your sense of humor if you tell me you don't. A couple of years ago I made my family watch it with me, and they didn't like it. It was devastating. This episode from last week cracked me up the entire time. And sadly enough, reminded me of my own work life a little bit.

Michael: How late are we gonna work tonight?

Gabe: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here to midnight, sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.

Michael: Why does she do that. Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is.

Gabe: Yeah, that'd be awesome. I could get a girlfriend! I wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But, uh, I'm young. Right? I will date when I'm dead!

Kevin: Just because Jo has no life, does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives. Oscar, has a life. I think Ryan has a life. This is outrageous.

Michael: Did I mess up my career today? My future prospects at Sabre, I dunno, there is a chance, yes. I'll tell you what I love my job. But Jo wants me to put on a show for her and pretend to work late? I spent all day trying to make her like me that I forgot to ask myself something, do I even like her? As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin said, don't worry be happy.

Floating Thoughts

2010-03-14T18:51:00.001-07:00

Don't usually like to do these kind of posts but couldn't resist.

Enjoyed the spring weather this weekend but hate the fact I have to go shopping for new clothes. Went to the mall, and they have nothing! Of course, it is Post Oak Mall.

Warm weather and sun makes me want to listen to
country music.

I like some country music, but feel stereotyped every time I listen to it now. Why? Because two of my African American clients have recently said, "Hey, you're white. What kind of music do you listen to, country?"

I'm not rejoicing as much as everyone else is about this sudden warmth. I loved the winter this year because it was extra cold. I liked wearing cozy sweaters and scarves and boots. I am positively dreading the summer heat!! Perhaps time to move.

Wonder what's the point of working this week: all my kids are on vacation! Shouldn't I be too? I really need a vacation. Badly.

I will really, really enjoy College Station minus college students this week. I will own the road.

Both my hip and my back started hurting this weekend. Then, I discovered a grey hair at my temple. Should I file for social security now?

My sister wanted to save a turtle from getting run over in the road. Instead of hiding in it's shell, it started chasing her and trying to bite her toes.

I'm reading a good book right now: Blink. Makes me think a lot. Which is not always best before bed. Weird dreams.

I want to know why dieting is so hard. I'm beginning attempt #100.
I've lost count. Up to this point, I've been convinced that my job
is so emotionally stressful that it makes dieting impossible .
Sound like a cop out? Well, I now have real proof that
my job sabotages my dieting efforts: My boss told us that
we had to have an emergency meeting over our lunch break.
I had plans to go have a nice salad with someone.
Guess what my boss ordered in? Pizza. I was starving.
Sabotaged? I think so. In fact, it's a conspiracy.
No one wants me to be thinner than they are. Selfish.

I wonder where I will end up next year. For whatever reason, the suspense isn't killing me anymore. I'm thankful for that.

Probably enough randomness for one night. Hopefully for a good, long while.

Alone?

2010-03-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

At 25, not being married or in a serious relationship like a lot of other people my age does bother me every once in a while. On the other hand, much of the time I'm fine with it [and I'm not just saying that!] It hits me most when I run into people who act like they don't understand why I'm alone, not married, and without a boyfriend. I feel this sudden pressure to conform, and my worrying starts: "Am I normal? Shouldn't I be in a relationship? I hope they don't think I'm not interested in having one..."

Spending lots of time outside of a Christian bubble has made me realize that most peoples' idea of dating/finding a life partner is HUGELY different than mine. And when I start talking to them about my ideas, I'm actually speaking a foreign language. They kind of scratch their heads and say, "Well dear, I guess you'll be alone for a good while..." This makes me feel pretty discouraged. Because it's not easy to be patient, to hold out for what you know God has for your life. And there is that honest fear of ending up alone.

Unfortunately, a lot of people are not "dating options" for me. Even I'm interested, even if they are too. Believe me, I've told God how frustrating this is! I know what God has for my life, and it's someone who's desire is to serve Him. Someone who's life has been given over to Christ. The kind of person who also thinks, "I know what God has for my life, and it's a woman who's desire is to serve Him. A woman who's life has been given over to Christ."

As I look back, I realize that college abounded with these kind of guys. But, now? Not so much. I don't run into them very often. Trusting God's master plan is made real. But let's not be too cliche, it's neither simple nor easy.

No Not One

2010-03-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

There has never been a greater love 

Than Your son

No, Not one

And there will never be a name above

No, Not one

With His life You have forgiven us

Hope has come

Hope has come

And there will never be a greater love

No, Not one

Love this song right now. I finally broke down and bought Christy Nockels Life Light Up CD [I saw her at two concerts I went to this year]. This particular song just makes me happy.

But honestly, driving around and listening to it today, I felt like such a hypocrite. My attitude stinks right now! And I mean s-t-i-n-k-s. Here is this worshipful music, and my heart feels so far from the words in all of the songs. I don't feel worshipful in the least.

Truth: I'm exhausted. And I'm cranky. There are quite a few things at work right now that make me super mad. A lot of the time. And I'm trying to learn how to handle them - in a Christlike way. It's tough, and I'm getting worn thin. But as I was sitting at church on Sunday feeling out of sorts, I realized that I've been so incredibly busy the last month and a half that I haven't even had any sort of "quiet time." In other words, any time just to reflect and read the Bible and pray. Sure, I say prayers, but they're quick and frantic in between one task and another. It's certainly not restful, and I leave no room to really listen to what God has to say. How can I handle an incredibly stressful, frustrating job and all of the other busy things I have going on if I don't refill spiritually? Well, I can't. And my temper and attitude this week has proven that. I'm not operating out of the heart of Christ at all - I'm definitely operating out of the flesh, i.e., my sin nature.

I know what I need to do to fix it. Unfortunately, I find myself stubbornly resisting because, honestly, it seems easier and more satisfying to remain angry & cranky sometimes.

I Have the Best Grandparents EVER

2010-02-28T21:47:00.000-08:00

This is true. They are my life-savers and have been for years now. You know those people about whom you say, "I could never have done it without them?" Well, for me, that's my grandparents. More times than I can count.

February has been the MOST BUSY MONTH imaginable for me. It's actually not imaginable. I get overwhelmed just thinking back on it. My over-the-top stressful job definitely did its part and then some. My typical two crisis calls a month turned into FIVE calls, two all nighters, just in time for my graduate interviews. That's right, both of my all night calls happened the weeks of my interviews. Awesome. It was special, let me assure you.

Driving 10+ hours across states to an interview isn't such a good idea after getting no sleep for more than 24 hours. In come the grandparents. But we've always wanted to spend more time in Mississippi, they said. I'm sure. They drove the whole way while I slept. They stayed in a hotel while I interviewed for two days. And I really think they had a good time. Not only was it amazing to be able to sleep, having them there for moral support was an unexpected bonus. I love my grandparents!

I am SO GLAD that tomorrow is March!! I am not sad in the least to see this month OVER. Here's to hopefully never having a month quite this stressful again - at least anytime in the near future!

Blessing in Disguise: Reaching the End of Myself

2010-02-15T22:18:00.000-08:00

I've always considered my ability to love people [even people others don't], one of my strengths. You might even say that I have a "bleeding heart." However, in my current job, I have encountered some people so difficult, some situations so awful and frustrating, that I've been pushed to a point I never thought I'd reach. A point where I have difficulty finding any more love or empathy in my heart. Instead, I feel disgust and an overwhelming desire to wash my hands of them. It's at these times, when my heart feels so empty, that I've found myself with nothing left to do but pray. Pray because I know that I absolutely do not have the strength to go on loving and helping these people. Pray because I know that if God is going to use me to help them, the Holy Spirit will have to give me His heart for them. It's at these moments, like today, when I realize that whatever I do for these people will in no way come from me, but will come 100% from the strength God gives me and the love that He has for them. And then, instead of experiencing guilt over what I can't make myself feel, I experience a sense of freedom.

A month or so back, I had reached the end of my rope with an extremely, extremely difficult and sad case. I was DONE. Had nothing left in me to give. I felt like I had to throw in the towel or I wouldn't emotionally make it. Unfortunately, I didn't get the option of throwing in the towel, and honestly, I was really angry about it. I wanted nothing to do with it anymore and was determined to give as little emotion to it as possible so that I could protect myself. I began to feel an urge to pray about it. Stubbornly, I didn't even want to do that. But I started to. It seems pretty simple [and maybe cliche], but I can't tell you how amazed I was as my attitude began to change towards this client. I felt renewed, and when I dealt with the case, instead of feeling the usual exhaustion and resentment, I felt this sense of strength and support that I knew wasn't my own, but from the Holy Spirit. Immediately, this verse popped into my mind: But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint [Isaiah 40:31]

Obviously [as today proved], there are going to be many more cases and times like these. Times when God shows me that my own ability to love people is so incredibly feeble next to His. When my own strength is unbelievably limited and in short supply compared to His. When I become tired of bearing the burdens of just a few of His children, it makes me step back in awe and wonder at how He bears the burdens of the WHOLE WORLD. Of the neediest, the most depraved, the most lost. As I work in a profession where I daily see things that would shock and horrify almost anyone, I take comfort in knowing that there is nothing under the sun that God has not seen before, and nothing that He cannot bear. I am not alone. It's one of those moments where I have nothing left to say but what an incredible God I serve!

Classic Me

2010-02-13T23:00:00.001-08:00

In a popular restaurant with a friend, full of crowded people.

Me [to hostess]: How long is the wait?

Hostess: An hour and a forty-five minutes.

Me [looking around with disgust]: Oh my gosh, why are all these people here? What is going on this weekend??

Crowd of couples around me [in unison]: Valentine's Day!

Lord, Give Me Strength

2010-02-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not trying to complain too much [maybe just a little!]. I'm just trying to be honest. I love what I get to do at my job, and most of the stress I have going on in my life is positive stress, though stress all the same. I have so much happening in my life outside of work right now, that any extra stress at work really tips the scales. Truly, my job is almost always overwhelming in one way or another. But then there are weeks that are really off the charts. Like this last week. One.crisis.after.another. From the minute I walked into the door, to the minute I walked out [which was waaay past five, mind you]. Disaster after disaster. Tearful phone call after tearful phone call. I felt like a firefighter, constantly running and trying to put out fires. But while I was dealing with one, another started. It wasn't long before I began to feel absolutely out of control. At one point I thought, "If one more person calls me in a crisis, I might break down with them!" I honestly spent half of last week running around in a daze, barely able to remember my own name. I startled awake early in the morning, in a foggy panic about all I had to do that day. I jokingly told my co-workers that I was developing symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was only half joking! Y'all, sometimes this job is insane [no pun intended]. Fortunately, I started to feel more calm by the end of the week, and I'm feeling so much better now. I'm sincerely praying that this week is not a repeat of the last. This cartoon made my day. I think I'm going to print it out and hang it at my desk :)

Well Said!

2010-02-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

(Even pro-choice columnist disagrees with critics of Tebow's ad)

Tebow's Super Bowl ad isn't intolerant; its critics are

By Sally Jenkins

Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I'll spit this out quick, before the armies of feminism try to gag me and strap electrodes to my forehead: Tim Tebow is one of the better things to happen to young women in some time. I realize this stance won't endear me to the "Dwindling Organizations of Ladies in Lockstep," otherwise known as DOLL, but I'll try to pick up the shards of my shattered feminist credentials and go on.

As statements at Super Bowls go, I prefer the idea of Tebow's pro-life ad to, say, Jim McMahon dropping his pants, as the former Chicago Bears quarterback once did in response to a question. We're always harping on athletes to be more responsible and engaged in the issues of their day, and less concerned with just cashing checks. It therefore seems more than a little hypocritical to insist on it only if it means criticizing sneaker companies, and to stifle them when they take a stance that might make us uncomfortable.

I'm pro-choice, and Tebow clearly is not. But based on what I've heard in the past week, I'll take his side against the group-think, elitism and condescension of the "National Organization of Fewer and Fewer Women All The Time." For one thing, Tebow seems smarter than they do.

Tebow's 30-second ad hasn't even run yet, but it already has provoked "The National Organization for Women Who Only Think Like Us" to reveal something important about themselves: They aren't actually "pro-choice" so much as they are pro-abortion. Pam Tebow has a genuine pro-choice story to tell. She got pregnant in 1987, post-Roe v. Wade, and while on a Christian mission in the Philippines, she contracted a tropical ailment. Doctors advised her the pregnancy could be dangerous, but she exercised her freedom of choice and now, 20-some years later, the outcome of that choice is her beauteous Heisman Trophy winner son, a chaste, proselytizing evangelical.

Pam Tebow and her son feel good enough about that choice to want to tell people about it. Only, NOW says they shouldn't be allowed to. Apparently NOW feels this commercial is an inappropriate message for America to see for 30 seconds, but women in bikinis selling beer is the right one. I would like to meet the genius at NOW who made that decision. On second thought, no, I wouldn't.

There's not enough space in the sports pages for the serious weighing of values that constitutes this debate, but surely everyone in both camps, pro-choice or pro-life, wishes the "need" for abortions wasn't so great. Which is precisely why NOW is so wrong to take aim at Tebow's ad.

Here's what we do need a lot more of: Tebows. Collegians who are selfless enough to choose not to spend summers poolside, but travel to impoverished countries to dispense medical care to children, as Tebow has every summer of his career. Athletes who believe in something other than themselves, and are willing to put their backbone where their mouth is. Celebrities who are self-possessed and self-controlled enough to use their wattage to advertise commitment over decadence.

You know what we really need more of? Famous guys who aren't embarrassed to practice sexual restraint, and to say it out loud. If we had more of those, women might have fewer abortions. See, the best way to deal with unwanted pregnancy is to not get the sperm in the egg and the egg implanted to begin with, and that is an issue for men, too -- and they should step up to that.

"Are you saving yourself for marriage?" Tebow was asked last summer during an SEC media day.

"Yes, I am," he replied.

The room fell into a hush, followed by tittering: The best college football player in the country had just announced he was a virgin. As Tebow gauged the reaction from the reporters in the room, he burst out laughing. They were a lot more embarrassed than he was.

"I think y'all are stunned right now!" he said. "You can't even ask a question!"

That's how far we've come from any kind of sane viewpoint about star athletes and sex. Promiscuity is so the norm that if a stud isn't shagging everything in sight, we feel faintly ashamed for him.

Obviously Tebow can make people uncomfortable, whether it's for advertising his chastity, or for wearing his faith on his face via biblical citations painted in his eye-black. Hebrews 12:12, his cheekbones read during the Florida State game: "Therefore strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees." His critics find this intrusive, and say the Super Bowl is no place for an argument of this nature. "Pull the ad," NOW President Terry O'Neill said. "Let's focus on the game."

Trouble is, you can't focus on the game without focusing on the individuals who play it -- and that is the genius of Tebow's ad. The Super Bowl is not some reality-free escape zone. Tebow himself is an inescapable fact: Abortion doesn't just involve serious issues of life, but of potential lives, Heisman trophy winners, scientists, doctors, artists, inventors, Little Leaguers -- who would never come to be if their birth mothers had not wrestled with the stakes and chosen to carry those lives to term. And their stories are every bit as real and valid as the stories preferred by NOW.

Let me be clear again: I couldn't disagree with Tebow more. It's my own belief that the state has no business putting its hand under skirts. But I don't care that we differ. Some people will care that the ad is paid for by Focus on the Family, a group whose former spokesman, James Dobson, says loathsome things about gays. Some will care that Tebow is a creationist. Some will care that CBS has rejected a gay dating service ad. None of this is the point. CBS owns its broadcast and can run whatever advertising it wants, and Tebow has a right to express his beliefs publicly. Just as I have the right to reject or accept them after listening -- or think a little more deeply about the issues. If the pro-choice stance is so precarious that a story about someone who chose to carry a risky pregnancy to term undermines it, then CBS is not the problem.

Tebow's ad, by the way, never mentions abortion; like the player himself, it's apparently soft-spoken. It simply has the theme "Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life." This is what NOW has labeled "extraordinarily offensive and demeaning." But if there is any demeaning here, it's coming from NOW, via the suggestion that these aren't real questions, and that we as a Super Bowl audience are too stupid or too disinterested to handle them on game day.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/01/AR2010020102067.html?utm_source=YS+Update&utm_campaign=130851ffa4-YSU_2_2_2010&utm_medium=email&mc_cid=130851ffa4&mc_eid=5ec3192977

If You're Nosey & You Know It...

2010-01-30T14:58:00.000-08:00

At my local doctors' office:

Receptionist [that I've never met]: According to our records, you haven't been here in a year or two.

Me: Nope

Receptionist: Do you still live at the same address?

Me: Yep

Receptionist: Ok, I'll just take your driver's license & insurance card & make a copy.

Me: Ok

Receptionist [walking out into the lobby to give them back]: You're not married?

Me: [puzzled & looking around] Umm, no

Receptionist: Huh. I really would have thought someone like you would be married by now. Oh well, you must be just having fun, right?

Me: Yes. Sure - I'm just having fun.

ONE Year

2010-01-24T21:47:00.000-08:00

Tuesday last week marked one year at my current job. That might not seem like too big of a deal, but I'm seriously celebrating the fact that I've lasted this long! The average turnover is less than a year in positions such as these, particularly this one. It's 100% a burnout job. I can't believe it's been a year already. Time really does start to fly when you're in the "real world."

So here's to a year of surviving social work. And to kids with more problems than I know how to fix. And all kinds of things I thought I would never hear or see, some hilarious, most tragically awful. And learning how to just listen when there's no other help I can offer. And never enough time and always too much to be done. And hardly any resources or structure, and constant deadlines and pressure. And becoming a master of UNO, Jenga, checkers, and dominoes. And rediscovering the magic that is playdough. And driving around with a carseat in my car. And learning to relate to teenage boys, who, a couple of years ago, would have scared me had I passed them on the street. And spending time in neighborhoods and homes I wouldn't have dared step foot in before. And to a changed perspective towards poverty and social services. And most of all, to being reminded daily of how blessed I was to grow up with the advantages I did - but for the grace of God go I.

It's been eye opening, it's been challenging. And you know what? I've really loved a lot of it. So here's to seeing if I can make it a little longer :)

Labels that Stick

2010-01-23T22:40:00.000-08:00

Nothing sucks more than a name tag you forget to take off of your shirt & put through the washing machine. It never comes off after that! Fortunately, I haven't washed a nametag lately, but I have found myself stuck with labels in other ways.

Growing up, I was the first born. The first child of my parents, the first grandchild, and therefore the oldest kid in my family. Apparently, I was also the "perfect child." I did what my parents told me, I never got into trouble at school, and I cried if I made a B on my report card.
The adults would speak to the other children in the family with phrases like, "When Lindsy was your age...." Ok, I don't really know if they did that, but the other kids claim they did. I must have been oblivious.

Years have passed, and all of us in the family are pretty much young adults. So, I figured this oldest child image had passed. My youngest cousin turned 21 recently, and I went to a dinner with her and a bunch of her friends. She confessed to me that she was "nervous" about me coming because she was afraid I would judge her. For drinking. One drink. At age 21. And then she proceeded to tell the people at the table how I had been the "perfect child" and how "I never did anything wrong" and how she had worried that I would "tell her parents" if she was too crazy. All I could do was laugh. First of all, I haven't thought of myself as a "child" in a while. And I definitely don't consider myself "perfect." But to my youngest cousin, I still bear that image. And to her, I still represent our parents - someone who might disapprove and judge, someone who might spoil her fun. I don't know how to change her image of me, but it did surprise me that after all these years, it's a label that stuck and isn't too easily coming off.

It always amazes me how differently people view you depending on what time period of your life and in what part of your life they got to know you. Can you think of ways that other people have labeled you? Do you agree with their label or do you think they're way off?

Someday, we will understand

2010-01-16T22:05:00.000-08:00

Someday, the things that don't make sense in the present will take on a new light. Someday, we will understand. About stuff that happens in our lives, about stuff that happens in the lives of those we love, about stuff that happens in the world. Someday, but for now what we have is trust.

Encouraging words from Beth Moore & the LPM blog [not from me]:

Often, we just don't know what God is doing. So often we think we do but, the truth is, we just don't. Thankfully, He does. He really does. He doesn't need our help. Our brilliant ideas. Or our last ditch efforts because He ignored our first ten suggestions. He just wants our cooperation.

He is constructing something beyond our human rationale. He knows in advance every piece - past, present, and future - that will be required for the finished work. He has all the patience in the universe to put it together. We see one little part and one little moment. He, the One who is, who was, and is to come, sees beyond the singular piece to every generation and condition He means to effect. Meanwhile, He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The one thing may not be good at all by itself. In fact, it may be horrendous. Criminal. It's when He weaves it with all that comes before it and all that will come around and behind it that something good, something beneficial, emerges.

Never let Romans 8:28 become so familiar that you subconsciously fold it into your spiritual fairy tale file. It is as true today as it was the moment the Apostle dripped the letters on the parchment. Don't blow them dry.

Maybe it's not that God isn't listening. Maybe it's just that what we keep suggesting is not exactly what He's doing. And, if that's so, what He's doing can only be better and more effectual than what we think we'd do in His place.

John 13:7 says something that keeps ringing in my ears.

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

Later.

LATER.

L.A.T.E.R.

We WILL understand.

Winter Snow

2009-12-20T19:53:00.000-08:00

So even if we don't have winter snow here, I still really like this song. It's definitely one of my new Christmas favorites. I saw it performed live [it's sung by someone named Audrey Assad] at Chris Tomlin's concert & it was incredible - it sounded even better live than it does in the recorded versions. To listen to it, you can go to YouTube and type in Winter Snow Audrey Assad.

Could've come like a mighty storm
With all the strength of a hurricane
You could've come like a forest fire
With the power of heaven in Your flame

But You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

You could've swept in like a tidal wave
Or an ocean to ravish our hearts
You could have come through like a roaring flood
To wipe away the things we've scarred

But You came like a winter snow
(Yes, You did)
You were quiet
You were soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

Oh, no, Your voice wasn't in a bush burning
No, Your voice wasn't in a rushing wind
It was still
It was small
It was hidden

You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

Falling
(Oh, yeah)
To the earth below
You came falling
From the sky in the night
To the earth below

Yummm

2009-12-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

Where have I wanted to eat every day since I first tried it? Spoons! Everyone started talking about this new yogurt place. My rebellious go-against-the-grain side wanted to purposely avoid going there - you know, so I would seem cooler. But oh. I tried it, and it's y-u-m-m-y. I find myself thinking of reasons I need to be in that area of town about 3pm each afternoon. Today I drove by at 10am and wanted to stop! But it's not open then :( Don't worry, I've only been there about three times, so I am using some self-control.

There are lots of flavors of frozen yogurt I still need to try. And with all of the toppings, the combinations are endless! As if things couldn't get any better, the music they play is enough reason alone for me to drop in. Friday night: what's playing over the loudspeakers?? Your run of the mill elevator music? I don't think so. Wicked. Rent. Mulan. 'N Sync. Oh.my.word. I almost died of joy right there. These people have got taste! And the servers, they were dancing to the music, haha! It's a fun atmosphere. Basically, I think you should try it - and don't forget to invite me to come :)

God Sent His Son

2009-12-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

~Galatians 4:3-7

HO! HO! HO!

2009-12-05T22:07:00.000-08:00

Oh Santa. You are everywhere during this season. And you are a lot of fun. I never really believed in Santa as a kid. Crazy, huh? I think my sister did. And my parents didn't tell her anything different than me. I just remember being a skeptic. I was a little kid who thought a lot about everything. And I took things pretty seriously. I remember for me, that Santa just didn't quite add up for some reason. Recent things I've heard from the kids I work with about Santa & Christmas:

-Santa is watching me
-Santa knows if I've been good or bad
-I'm going to be good just this month so he'll give me stuff
-Without fail, the first thing when I ask a kid about Christmas coming up, "Yeah, and I'm getting....."
-Their "list" is usually miles long - and with few things under $100, ha!
-My favorite, "Do you think this is too much to ask Santa for?"
-"No, I think that Santa will be more than happy to get you a Wii, a Game Cube, a Playstation 3, and an Xbox."

I think it's fun and not necessarily bad for kids to look forward to getting presents [kind of like their birthday]. I also realize that Christmas is really a man-made holiday. Jesus was not born in December, and the holiday actually has pagan origins. Shocking, I know! I don't think that everything about the season has to be about Jesus or God to be considered a "true celebration." And sometimes the statement "Jesus is the reason for the season" doesn't strike me as completely accurate. It can be the reason if you want it to be, but there's not Biblical law that says it has to be. However, I do think that Christmas & its traditions can be used as a good opportunity to teach kids [and to remind adults!] about God & the gift of His Son. And about the unique way that God loves humanity. And that is where Santa started catching my attention. Just hear me out, I promise I don't hate Santa or anything! It just started me pondering...

Think how confusing it must be to a literal-thinking, uncritical preschooler. Santa is so much like what we’re trying all year to teach our children about God. Look at the “attributes” of Santa:

• He’s omniscient—he sees everything you do.
• He rewards you if you’re good.
• He’s omnipresent—at least, he can be everywhere in one night.
• He gives you good gifts.
• He’s the most famous “old man in the sky” figure.

But at the deeper level that young children can’t comprehend yet, he is not like God at all. For example, does Santa really care if we’re bad or good? Think of the most awful kid you can remember. Did he or she ever not get gifts from Santa? What about Santa’s spying and then rewarding you if you’re good enough? That’s not the way God operates. He gave us his gift—his Son—even though we weren’t good at all. “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). He gave his gift to us to make us good, not because we had proved ourselves good enough.

Helping our children understand God as much as they’re able at whatever age they are is our primary goal.

~Noel Piper, Treasuring God in Our Traditions

So, basically Santa has bad theology! :) Haha. Really though, he represents something so magical to a lot of kids. He is much like a "higher power." The main thing that gets me is that we teach kids that he's a higher power who's approval & giving of gifts is conditional. Based on merit. Based on works. How hard even adults have to grapple with the concept that God's gifts are unconditional and not deserved! That kind of love is so rare, so counterintuitive, that it's hard to wrap your heart & mind around. This is the kind of love that as a parent, I would do anything to help my kids understand. And Christmas is such a priceless time to do that, especially with the emphasis on gift-giving and love. When I hear the adorable kids I work with talking about Santa watching them to see if they are good enough to deserve gifts, I can't tell you how much I want to tell them about the True Giver of the best gift! And that He will take them just like they are....naughty and all.

Just Wow

2009-11-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Really cool story that was recently in the local news:

http://www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/68441827.html
[to watch the video]

Planned Parenthood has been a part of Abby Johnson's life for the past eight years; that is until last month, when Abby resigned. Johnson said she realized she wanted to leave, after watching an ultrasound of an abortion procedure.

"I just thought I can't do this anymore, and it was just like a flash that hit me and I thought that's it," said Jonhson.

She handed in her resignation October 6. Johnson worked as the Bryan Planned Parenthood Director for two years.

According to Johnson, the non-profit was struggling under the weight of a tough economy, and changing it's business model from one that pushed prevention, to one that focused on abortion.

"It seemed like maybe that's not what a lot of people were believing any more because that's not where the money was. The money wasn't in family planning, the money wasn't in prevention, the money was in abortion and so I had a problem with that," said Johnson.

Johnson said she was told to bring in more women who wanted abortions, something the Episcopalian church goer recently became convicted about.

"I feel so pure in heart (since leaving). I don't have this guilt, I don't have this burden on me anymore that's how I know this conversion was a spiritual conversion."

Johnson now supports the Coalition For Life, the pro-life group with a building down the street from Planned Parenthood. Coalition volunteers can regularly be seen praying on the sidewalk in front of Planned Parenthood. Johnson has been meeting with the coalition's executive director, Shawn Carney, and has prayed with volunteers outside Planned Parenthood.

On Friday both Johnson and the Coalition For Life were issued temporary restraining orders filed by Planned Parenthood.

Rochelle Tafolla, a Planned Parenthood spokesperson issued the following statement: "We regret being forced to turn to the courts to protect the safety and confidentiality of our clients and staff, however, in this instance it is absolutely necessary."

The temporary restraining order contends that Planned Parenthood would be irreparably harmed by the disclosure of certain information, but does not bar Johnson or Coalition For Life volunteers from the premises.

As of Sunday evening, neither Johnson nor Carney had seen the complaint filed against them that prompted the restraining order.

A hearing about the order has been set for November 10.

Holy Mackerel!!!

2009-10-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

Holy schnikes! Holy moley! Holy cow! Holy smokes! The list could go on......and on.

I've never really thought much about why we use these expressions. That is, until it was brought to my attention the other day. We use "holy" in expressions because it means that something is unusual or surprising. It's not ordinary or what you would expect. It's kind of shocking even.

Not only do we hear the word "holy" in expressions, but it also pops up a lot in the Bible. All over the place. If you asked me what holy meant before our recent discussion about it in church, I would probably tell you something like, "God. He's holy." Which, of course, is true. The definition of holy derived from the greek word qodesh is: distinct, separate.

I've been a Christian all of my life. So sometimes I can sit in church or at Bible study and feel like I've heard something a million times. And I'm sure I've sat through countless sermons and studies about being holy and living a holy life. I think that, on an average day, the word holy doesn't hold a lot of meaning for me [sadly]. But this particular time, it really hit home.

As a Christian, being distinct, or separate from everyone else is really about living a unique lifestyle - one that's purpose is to bring glory to God and to be used for His will. It's really not as hard to live this set apart lifestyle when you're around so many other people who are doing it too. Then it doesn't seem so set apart, does it?

This describes a lot of my experience in high school and college. I was around many people whose goal was to live a set apart, or holy, lifestyle - and that was such a blessing. But the real test for me has been after I graduated college. After I got out of my Christian "bubble." Now, more often than not, I feel "different." I'm just not the "norm" in a lot of choices I make. Being holy is so much more of a challenge! Some days instead of feeeling holy, I'm tempted to give into feeling like the freak! It doesn't always seem cool to be different. It can be lonely.

I was really encouraged by the reminder that as believers in Christ, we are called to be holy. And by the fact that we are supposed to be different from the norm. Maybe it's ok to be a freak after all!

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, ¹⁵but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, ¹⁶since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."
~1 Peter 1:14-16

Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.
~2 Timothy 2:21

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, ⁹ who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, ¹⁰and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel...
~2 Timothy 8:1-10

I Save Squirrels

2009-10-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

So, today I was driving along in a north Bryan neighborhood that was not in the best area [on the job]. And I saw a rottweiler harassing a squirrel in this yard. The little squirrel was pathetically twitching as the rottweiler stood over it. I was filled with indignation. I quickly pulled over my car to the side of the road and put on my hazard lights. This was an emergency. I contemplated the foolishness of getting out of the car and approaching an unleashed rottweiler but decided there was no other option. I walked to the edge of the yard slowly and yelled "Shoo, shoo." The rottweiler didn't seem to care. I yelled, "Leave him alone! Stop it!" I thought that no one was watching, but apparently, the neighbors across the street came outside. I started to realize I probably looked a little bit crazy standing there, with my hazards on, waving my arms at some strange rottweiler. The rottweiler wagged his tail at me [so he is friendly?], and picked up the twitching squirrel in his mouth and trotted away. Truthfully, it was the thought of the squirrel suffering that really worried me the most, and I decided that it was probably already dead and I should move on. I could have gotten back into my car without much embarrassment if the man across the street hadn't asked, "So, is that your dog?" To which I replied, "No I just hate seeing squirrels suffer." Yeah. I drove down the street to my clients house and told them that their neighbors will probably be talking about the crazy lady in the white car for a while.

My Work Wish-List

2009-09-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Sad that I'm blogging about work? Probably.

It's probably even sadder that I try to find materials to read for work when I'm not working. [Or maybe it just shows that I'm in the right field :)]

I feel pretty ill equipped to do the job I'm asked to do. My position used to be filled by people who at the minimum had graduate degrees in counseling and were working towards state licensure. The state decided to cut funds [surprise!], and it's cheaper to pay people with bachelor's degrees. And believe me it is cheaper.

This job = great experience for me but also a lot of stress and not knowing what the heck I'm doing. Sometimes I get frustrated and just google stuff. These are some of the results.

Did I mention that I work with almost all boys? The majority are very angry and aggressive. And most end up getting involved with the juvenile justice system at a young age. A book I really want is called Angry Young Men by Aaron Kipnis, a "bad boy" who turned his life around and went on to become a Clinical Psychologist.

This book is chock full of great ideas for therapy & treatment - for every kind of childhood disorder and behavioral problem imaginable - which is what I come across in my work, every kind of childhood disorder and behavioral problem imaginable. Sigh.

I'm not only supposed to help the kids learn to function better, I'm also supposed to help the parents learn to parent better. The lack of parenting being what created the problems in the first place - the majority of the time. I might have some common sense, but I have NOT been a parent. I need some ideas.

Last, but not least, something I am reading. I work with families who are in poverty. They have such limited resources - and not just financially. There is a lack of everything in a lot of their lives. [role models, education, support, safety, etc.] It's complete survival mode.

I grew up in this area, but I'm telling you, I might as well have traveled to a foreign country. I need a passport. The culture is so different than anything I've experienced before. Little to no training is given to staff preparing them to work with a population whose primary day to day problem is actually poverty. I feel that I need to understand more about how poverty affects my clients before I can really help them. I want to offer more than a band-aid.

Looks like I have my work cut out for me. And who says you have to be in school to learn??

Alarming Statistic!

2009-09-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

I interrupt the lack of blog posts to announce an alarming statistic....I took a stupid facebook friend statistic quiz [I am forever taking dumb quizzes on there when I should be going to bed!], and it says have something like 74% female friends and 26% male friends on facebook!! I am not too shocked by this, but it's sad to see in numbers!

Where have I gone wrong?? How can I go about getting more male friends? [because we all know the number of friends you have on facebook obviously represents your social status in real life].

Honestly, though, I don't have enough male friends. I've known this for a while. I just don't try to do much about it. I grew up in a household with all females. Our cat is such an odd man out - poor guy, I know we try to make him a girl.

I've always been envious of girls who have tons of guy friends. I don't get it. I understand and relate to females well. They just make sense to me [most of the time!] Males, on the other hand, are foreign. And I am not a tomboy by any stretch of the imagination, so I tend to hang out with girls and do girl things when given the option.

What a dilemma. I think I need to find a seminar or inspirational best seller: Ten Easy Steps to Making More Guy Friends. Or someone could just give me free advice :)

The Design of God

2009-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

Great lesson from the story of Joseph....

"...The brothers meant the sale of Joseph for evil, but God meant it for good. Notice it does not say that God used their evil for good after they meant it for evil. It says that in the very act of evil, there were two different designs: In the sinful act, they were designing evil, and in the same sinful act, God was designing good. This is what we have seen and will see over and over: What man designs—or the devil designs—for evil, God designs for some great good."

~Spectacular Sins by John Piper [page 81]

I love to see God's design in the beauty of nature, in the wonder of the human body, in the intricacies of human relationships. But most astounding of all to me is how God designs good in the very midst of evil.

I noticed this pattern when I became old enough to understand suffering. All throughout childhood I was taught that God was a good God. A loving God. A redeeming God. I never questioned these things. But when I first saw what a messy, ugly place this world could be, then I had some stuff to reconcile. And this happened for me personally when my family split apart in a pretty devastating way.

I knew [and believed] that God was good and faithful, but I didn't understand how all the pain and dysfunction could ever be God's will. I compared my family to other families, and in those painful moments of comparison, wondered how me or my family could be valuable to God. I realized that one of two things could come out of the mess sin had made of my family: either a lot of destruction or a story of redemption through God's sovereignty. Because I knew God's character, I was sure it would be the latter.

This knowledge of God's character gives me hope, even peace, in the face of pain. My pain, other's pain. Do I forget about it sometimes? Absolutely. I need reminding from time to time that God is not just reacting to the messes we make [if we repent hard enough] but actually working His good within them.

When something gets to that point, you know that point where you just don't know if you can handle it anymore, that's when His character and all I've been taught about it comes to the front of my mind. And I'm filled with a resolve and a strength and a peace that is most definitely not my own. This is not just a special gift given to me from God, but it's available to anyone who is willing to receive it, "for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." [Romans 10:13] What a good God that saved me! He's more than I could ever deserve. And I'm so thankful for that.

Working Hard & Playing Harder?

2009-09-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote this, read it, and then realized that it sounds like an echo of several other posts I've written. More than daily happenings, I would prefer to write about things that have been on my mind lately. But when I'm so busy, the sad reality is that I don't spend as much time contemplating things. I become less introspective. Just the way it is. Can I take a sabbatical?

My life is one big, endless whirl of activity lately. For a lot of people, the fall is like that. But for me, it's been like that and fall activities are only making it more so. Even though I was busy during the summer, I enjoyed the calm, summer lives of everyone around me. Not anymore.

Work, work, work. I do NOT want to return to work tomorrow!! [But who does?] Especially to an 8 AM staff meeting! ahhh, complete yuck. I go though periods when I really just want to lock myself up in the office and chill. I love having a job where I work directly with people 90% of the time, but there are days [weeks?] when I'm too drained to want to. You always have to be energetic, on your toes, entertaining, etc. to work with kids [I guess it's kind of how teachers might feel]. I have always said I am not an "office job" type of person, but certain days I am jealous of people who have those jobs.

The work week is tiring. Problem is, I've been having a hard time being any less busy during my weekend. I tend to squeeze in the fun stuff from Friday to Sunday until I just don't have any time left to do other more tedious things. Like errands, cleaning my room, cleaning my car, oil changes, organization, etc. Then I feel annoyed during the week that it's not done. Sigh. I think I've complained about this before. I keep meaning to declare a weekend off limits for hanging out and solely for doing what I've been putting off, in some cases, for months.

This weekend was full of fun. So much so that I didn't get up until afternoon today, and therefore didn't get a lot of my "to do list" done. Now it's late, and I'm very awake. Darn. If my body had it's way, I think I'd be on a 1am-10am sleep schedule. I just can't make it understand.

I want to find balance in between working & playing. I want to have time to call back friends who I don't get to see very often. I want to shred that mound of bills from a year ago. And finally hang those pictures on the wall. It looks like I'm either going to have to say no to something or clone myself. I would love the latter.

Quarter of a Century

2009-09-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

It's happening...this year was the first year I had mixed feelings about my birthday. Part of me wanted to pretend it didn't come and I was still 24. I felt so young when people asked how old I was, and I could say "Twenty-four." Twenty-five has a much more mature sound to it. bleh.

I think that 25 is the last birthday for a while that signifies being "allowed" to do something. At least until I turn 65 and can collect Medicare [whoopie!!!] You know how it goes: at 15 you can get a permit, at 16 you can drive, at 17 you can watch R rated movies, at 18 you can vote & be a legal adult, at 21 you can drink & gamble, and at 25 you can RENT A CAR!!! I am going to go out right now & get myself an rental car! Actually, I really have to, and lucky for the people that have to pay for it, I'm 25!

As to whether or not I feel 25, I think that I do. However that is supposed to feel. I was walking on campus today [because I'm doing some volunteer work in a lab], and I felt SO out of place. I'm sure it was all in my head, but everyone seemed really young to me. I kept thinking, "I wonder if they know I'm 25 now?!" Haha. Like they care. But on a happy note, I had to knock on some lady's door in Bryan the other day [work-related], and the woman that answered yelled out, "There's some college girl here for you!" Yes.

But What About Evil?

2009-08-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

But what about evil? This is an age old question used to challenge the existence of a God. There can't be a God out there, or He wouldn't allow all of this suffering and pain. I'd rather believe there in no God than believe such a cruel one exists. As a Christian, people have posed this question to me before. It's not easy to answer.

I'm currently reading a really good book, Spectacular Sins, by John Piper, that does an excellent job of explaining, however. I have always heard about John Piper's books, and I decided to give one a try. I'm very impressed with it so far.

Little did I know that many of his books are available online to dowload for free at his website: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/OnlineBooks/ByTitle/

I loved how he laid this out so clearly:

Eight Things to Do with Evil
On the one hand:

1. Expect evil. “Do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you” (1 Pet. 4:12).
2. Endure evil. “Love bears all thing, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:7; cf. Mark 13:13).
3. Give thanks for the refining effect of evil that comes against you. “Give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Eph. 5:20; cf. 1 Thess. 5:18). “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance . . .” (Rom. 5:3–5).
4. Hate evil. “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good” (Rom. 12:9).
5. Pray for escape from evil. “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matt. 6:13).
6. Expose evil. “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them” (Eph. 5:11).
7. Overcome evil with good. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21).
8. Resist evil. “Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (Jas. 4:7).

Four Things Never to Do with Evil
But on the other hand:

1. Never despair that this evil world is out of God’s control.

“[He] works all things according to the counsel of his will” (Eph. 1:11).
2. Never give in to the sense that because of seemingly random evil, life is absurd and meaningless. “How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! . . . For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever” (Rom. 11:33, 36).
3. Never yield to the thought that God sins or is ever unjust or unrighteous in the way he governs the universe. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways” (Ps. 145:17).
4. Never doubt that God is totally for you in Christ. If you trust him with your life, you are in Christ. Never doubt that all the evil that befalls you—even if it takes your life—is God’s loving, purifying, saving, fatherly discipline. It is not an expression of his punishment in wrath. That wrath fell on Jesus Christ our substitute (Gal. 3:13; Rom. 8:3). Only mercy comes to us from God, not wrath, if we are his children through faith in Jesus. “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Heb. 12:6).

Ink Hands

2009-08-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

Black ink...there is black ink all in the edges of my painted fingernails. Yuck. I have been holding a pen and furiously writing for hours today. When I'm stressed, the pen doesn't mind if I squeeze too hard.

There are sometimes [honestly, a lot of times] when I don't have the answers. When you're in my line of work, people want answers, and they're always desperate for them now. They've been waiting forever, they are at the end of their rope, you are their last hope. Etc., etc., etc.

When I respond to crisis calls, I like it when they're clear cut. It's not hard to know what to do, how to react. Sometimes I'm not so lucky. I bounce back and forth trying to discern, trying to understand, waffling between using logic, emotion, no logic, no emotion. I want to be a professional making a professional decision. I need to be efficient and get the job done. But I want to be compassionate, I want to be merciful, I want to show Christ to them. And sometimes I want to cry with them, to break down too and say, "I know, life sucks & it's unfair, right?" But I can't. Because that won't do anyone much good.

So I'm tired tonight. And I have ink hands.

In other news, I'm not starting back to school like everyone else in this town. But today, I felt like I should be. There is this feeling of anticipation in the air, of the start of something new. Or maybe it's that half of the town has returned? Either way, I will be avoiding public places for a while. If you see me coming, please make room for me, I'm already tired of the crowds!! :)

In between working....and sleeping...and going to the gym...and playing

2009-08-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

In between the things that comprise my crazy, crazy schedule, I'm beginning the grad school application process. This post should be deja vu for anyone who happened to be reading my blog since last September [probably not likely!] Last September, I wrote a post about applying to graduate school for the third time. But except that time, I was planning on applying to Master's programs too.

My plans were majorly derailed last year!!! With a disastrous hurricane to follow just days after that post, and then a disastrous loss of a job, my plans were moved to this year. This year, God willing, the application process will really take place. And this year, God willing, actually getting into a program will take place.

I am much, much more realistic about the ridiculous odds of gainging admission to a PhD program in Clinical/Counseling Psychology. I have the programs I want to attend ranked by the likelihood of my getting in. It's still a big toss up from there. I'm ok with that this time. I'm ok with going to a Master's Program. Bottom line: I want to go somewhere.

Working long term with just a bachelor's degree in Psychology is not feasible. Or possible for my sanity. But it equals gaining great experience in the meantime. Or at least that's why I keep telling myself :)

Have I mentioned how insanely time consuming the process of applying to graduate school is? It's like applying for employment, except the applications are longer and there's more background research required and you are going to pay [depending on the program] instead of getting paid. Sweet.

I sincerely pray that the third time really is a charm.

It's Broken

2009-08-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

This is a little rant for me. I realize that people who don't spend every day in the mental health system in Texas probably don't care that much. I wouldn't if I didn't have to deal with it all constantly. I am shocked by the lack of funding for children's mental health. I am shocked by the ineffectiveness of the curriculum and guidelines being used to dictate how to treat kids with mental health issues. I often leave work thinking, "This whole system is just so broken." So it was fitting when I found articles that said:

The continuum of care for children with mental health needs in Texas is broken. Several promising initiatives exist, but there are infrastructural and funding challenges that get in the way of families trying to access care. Given the numerous changes that have affected the children’s mental health enterprise, perhaps the most helpful question to ask is not “what does the future hold?” but “what should the future hold?”

Children’s Mental Health in Texas: A State of the State Report

http://www.childhealthtx.org/pdf/Children%27s%20Mental%20Health%20in%20Texas-State%20of%20a%20State%20Report.pdf

Texas ranks 49th in the country in per capita spending on mental health treatment. Among Texas kids with a diagnosed mental illness, serious emotional disturbance or at risk of being removed from their homes or classrooms for mental health reasons, only 18 percent receive the mental health treatment they qualify for. There are frequent reports of families turning their children over to the child welfare or juvenile justice system.

Children’s Mental Health in Texas: Running a Diagnostic Test

http://www.texanscareforchildren.org/files/Texas_Childrens_Mental_Health_Report.pdf

I honestly feel so frustrated and limited by all of this. I just want to help these kids, to help them have access to the resources they need. My hands are extremely tied. I can barely keep up with the very minimum demands of my job. I am overloaded and overwhelmed. No matter how much I do, I know it will never be enough. This reality, of course, leads to very high turnover for people serving in mental health services, which just hurts the kids more. They build relationships with staff, and as soon as they begin to trust them, the staff leave. But I can't blame the staff: who would stay long term in a job that pays so little and demands so much?

I think there is a balanced way to look at this. Yes, we desperately need more funding and more attention to Children's Mental Health Services in Texas. But bottom line: We are never going to make everything all better. A lot of people make very poor choices. No matter how much you try to help them. Their poor choices led them into the situations they are in [dragging their children along] and their continued poor choices keep them there. Point in case: If you purposely slammed your finger in a door and then went to a medical doctor mad that it was broken, what would he do? Probably laugh at you and say, "Well, what did you expect?" Why, from a psychological standpoint, do some people try to approach it so differently? Yes, sometimes the cause of psychological problems can be complex, but then other times, the problems are just inevitable and logical consequences. Why do we make excuses for people?

There are definitely those few cases where someone has done everything in their power and is just a victim of very unfortunate circumstances. These people are a joy to serve. You want to go above and beyond to help them. You want to do whatever you can. But they are rare. It's impossibly tough to see the children suffer from parents' very poor choices. For at least a little while [until sadly, many of them grow up and perpetuate the cycle], they are the helpless victims.

Still, Texas, 49th? Really? Do you know how much money gets spent when these kids end up in juvenile justice or foster care system because no one else can help/handle them? Do you know how much money we are wasting? How much could be saved if there was proper treatment from the start? We barely even respond until these kids are in absolute crisis mode. It's completely absurd.

I feel like I sound jaded. Or maybe more in touch with reality? I'm usually a pretty positive, idealistic person. But even this idealist can see broken for what it is. In order not to become totally frustrated and disgusted, I try to keep in mind what I am here for: to help these kids. In whatever way I can, however I can. In some cases, no one else will. I spend a lot of time hoping that even the smallest things I do in this very broken system will, in the end, make some kind of difference.

On a Roll

2009-08-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

So maybe I'm on a blogging roll...I ran across some awesome blogs written by people who are social workers. And this list on one of them made me laugh:

You know you are a Social Worker if...

1. You think $40,000 a year is 'really making it'.
2. You don't know what it's like to work with men.
3. You know all the latest lingo for drugs, where to get them, and how much they cost.
4. You’ve started a sentence with 'So what I hear you saying is...'
5. You’ve had 2 or more jobs at one time just to pay the bills.
6. You tell people what you do and they say 'that's so noble'
7. You have had to explain to people that not all social workers take away kids.
8. You use the words 'validate,' 'appropriate' and 'intervention' daily.
9. You spend more than half your day documenting and doing paperwork.
10. You think nothing of discussing child abuse over dinner.
11. People have said to you 'I don't know how you do what you do'.
12. You’ve never been on a business trip or had an expense account.
13. You know a lot of other social workers who have left the profession for another.
14. You’re very familiar with the concept of entitlement.
15. Staying at a job for 2 years is 'a long time'.
16. Your phone number is unlisted for good reason.
17. Your professional newsletters always have articles about raising salaries...but you still haven't seen it.
18. You’re very familiar with the term 'budget cut'.
19. You can't imagine working at a bank or crunching numbers all day.
20. You’ve had clients who liked you just a little too much.
21. Having lunch is a luxury many days.
22. You’ve been cursed at or threatened...and it doesn't bother you.
23. Your job orientation has included self defense.
24. You have the best stories at any cocktail party.
25. Your parents don't know half of the stuff that you've dealt with at your job.
26. You know all the excuses clients use for a failed a drug test by heart.

I do "skills training and case management" for kids ages 3-18 who have a behavior disorder/mental illness. The job really involves that and million things more. I've rarely been so challenged.

I'm in this job for the mental health experience for grad school and to pay the bills, at least that's what I tell myself daily. I don't want to stay in this kind of work [case management/social work] for too long, I remind myself. It can't be good for my health, I think. Oh, but how I relate to all 26 of these observations about social work! [except for the one about working with men, the majority of my kids are boys - and a lot adolescent boys]. And how refreshing it was to read some other peoples' blogs where they whine and complain and stress about the same junk I do! My family and friends would probably appreciate it if I found another outlet for venting! I know that my stories often depress them and don't make for pleasant dinner conversation. I would absolutely LOVE to blog about all of my experiences in the field of mental health social work. But because of HIPPA laws, I don't. Maybe I'll write a book someday when enough time has passed. I should start writing it down now so I don't forget!

I tell my mom that many days I feel like I'm in the front line trenches of a war. There are so many disasters and suffering people and casualties that I don't know how to respond quick enough. There are never enough resources, there is never enough help to go around. Someone always needs something, and we are always one - if not several - people short to get the job done. It's absolutely exhausting. I can't begin to explain how many hats I have to wear every day - nurse, mother, driver, teacher, crisis responder, therapist, secretary, etc. At the end of some days my muscles are so tense and my mind is so full I don't know how to unwind. I have to laugh or I might cry.

I am working hard not to become burnt out. The turnover is incredible. And the kids and families suffer the loss of more people leaving their already unstable lives. Admittedly, I am pretty disgusted with the system that is community mental health in Texas. I'm appalled by the lack of funding and resources. I'm shocked by the working conditions of those in the field. Bottom line, it's all very eye opening. It might be one of the harder jobs I ever do. I know it's the hardest I've done so far.

Life According to My Dreams

2009-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Last night in my dreams I wanted to go to summer camp. I had my trunk packed. But someone told me I couldn't go. They said I was too old. In my dream, I was very offended by this. Too old? I'm only like 17, right? Then I realized that 17 is a little old to be going to summer camp. But the most startling part was when I woke up from the dream actually thinking I was 17. As fuzzy sleep clung to my brain I thought, wait, how old am I? 18? Hmm, no that doesn't seem right. 20? And that's when I fully woke up and realized that I was ALMOST TWENTY FIVE!!!! Omg. I really don't feel that old.

In other news, I have to figure out how to balance work and regular life. I always have so much much to do for work that I never have time to get "real life" stuff done. Like mailing things, balancing my checkbook, cleaning my room, washing my car, shopping. It is driving me NUTS. When I do have spare time, I sacrifice doing all of those daily chore kind of things and instead hang out with people and relax. I promise myself every weekend that I'm going to clean out my closet or shred the mound of old bills or hang up the pile of clothes. But I just end up going to a movie or sleeping in or sitting around like a bum relaxing. I can't stand my room anymore, or my car, or the disorganization that I feel is my life. I truly need an extra day in the week. I've considered taking a day off of work in order to do all of the stuff I've been putting off. I tried to get something mailed at the post office, and it took me THREE WEEKS to find time to get it done. I need some serious HELP!!

For the Love of Kids

2009-08-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today I was told I would make a good mother someday. And then an hour later I was criticized for the way I handled a discipline issue with one of the little kids in the clinic. Dealing with kids - especially defiant ones, can seem so simple in theory. But it's very tough in reality. I don't always know the right things to say, and I sure as heck don't know what to do half of the time.

I used to babysit a lot growing up. I even took one of those babysitter certification courses. I was very qualified :) I thought all kids were cute, especially babies. I enjoyed playing with them. But there would always come a moment after a couple hours of babysitting when I would think, oh my gosh, is this what it feels like to be a mom? Completely trapped in the house with a bunch of little kids and no adult to talk to? Ugh. Because it's exhausting work trying to reason with a three year old. Or telling a five year old no he can't go outside for the tenth time that hour. Or convincing a six year old to "use his words" instead of whacking his brother in the head. It gets really old really quick.

My mom and a lot of my friends are elementary school teachers, and I have no idea how they do it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. ALL DAY. With twenty plus kids. I might go mad. I consider myself as more of a ten and older kind of person. I love hanging around teenagers. I even think awkward middle schoolers are fun. But little ones? Pretty much, I think they're cute. But if they start screaming, kicking, defying [showing out or fronting as the parents I work with would say], then I am lost. I am still not used to this kind of behavior. It flabbergasts me when my words don't help a situation. Reasoning with words - that's my fallback. You can't reason with a little kid in the throes of a tantrum. Darn.

If I have my own kids someday? I think it will be different. I think it will still be a learning process, but that discipline will come more naturally to me [though I might always like the older kid phase better]. Right now, I just don't enjoy disciplining kids. Or teaching parents who have no idea [or don't even want to learn] how it's done. Heck if I know what works?! It's not that intuitive for me at this point in my life, and I feel really lost trying to give advice.

My mom [a child discipline queen] tells me that no one enjoys disciplining kids. But is that really true? Because that seem to be what half of working with little kids [especially difficult ones] is all about. Some teachers must enjoy it then, right? Or parents? I don't know, but I do know that this is what working with naughty acting little boys and girls makes me feel like sometimes:

And P.S. - Anyone who thinks I might be exaggerating the difficulty should feel free to come shadow me at my job a day or two!! :)

Busy Bee

2009-07-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

It looks like I'm gonna be a tad busy from here on out. Summer, to me, typically represents a time for slowing down. However, this summer, my life has seemed to speed up instead.

It started first with work. It's hard. Harder than I anticipated. It's busy. And its pace is not slowing down. It's late hours and still not finishing what needs to get done. It's to do lists that have to do lists. I don't think I've ever been this busy at any job before! I'm praying against burn out - I'm not there yet.

Add to that on-call crisis work. Why am I putting myself through more work when I already work so much during the day? Because I want to earn/save money faster! I'm on call about 10 days a month. Not so bad. Unless you get called out to the ER for 12 hours straight on a weeknight. Um, yeah. I'm making sure that doesn't happen again.

I decided that since my goal is applying to graduate school in December, I need to get some more research experience. So, I'm going to be helping in a Psychology lab at A&M once a week. This does not include the time I'll be taking to decide what schools I want to apply to, filling out the applications, sending everything in, etc. HUGE PROCESS!!

Now, I would like to have a social life. You know, church, friends, family, FUN. I'm not a person who can do too well without these things. They keep me going. So I'm trying my hardest to pencil them in. I'm also trying to pencil in exercise, eating right - all of those things necessary to keep my body healthy and running. First things to go when I'm busy!

I won't even begin to talk about the financial goals I have for this year. Let's just say, they're big. And they involve saving a lot of money. Enough said.

All my plans for the upcoming year have started to make me feel dizzy. But when I get overwhelmed, I remember that the only person I have to worry about right now is myself, and I am so thankful for this season. The things I'm so busy with right now are things for me, to improve myself. I don't have the awesome but huge responsibility of a family. I can work on my life and decide [with God's guidance, of course], its direction.

My family went on a vacation together [without me] for a week. I took care of our dog and our cat. And I kept thinking, "Thank you, thank you, Lord, that I don't have any animals of my own!" I don't even have time to own a cat right now!! Remind me of that next time I want to get a puppy or adopt a child, please! :)

I see women out there who, just like me, have many goals, but who also have so many extra responsibilities. I deal with women every day [as part of my job], who had to take on major responsibilities long before they were ready.

God knows my heart and desires well. When I take on the task of marriage or raising children [or even an animal!], I want to be able to devote my full attention to it. That's just me. It would tear me up to constantly choose between my job and my child. My goals or my husband. Actually, I don't think the competition would last long: my job would suffer and so would my goals. For right now, I'm very thankful that I don't have to choose.

In My Humble Opinion...

2009-07-19T21:42:00.001-07:00

Two Thumbs UP! Yes, I've turned into one of those people. Who reads a book just because it's coming out as a movie. I'm shaking my head in disgust at myself :) I'm in a phase where I've run out of book ideas. There is usually always something I want to read. Maybe it's because I'm so busy now, or maybe I just need to start working my way down a classic book list. I prefer to be reading a book at all times. It's something I look forward to at the end of the day and in those rare moments when I have a second to spare [and lately that statement would be a joke!]

I wanted to read A Time Traveler's Wife, but since it was sold out, I ended up with My Sister's Keeper. So good. Really, really good! What a talented writer Jodi Picoult is! Perhaps I did start out with low expectations because it wasn't my first choice. Either way, it didn't disappoint. Heart wrenching from the first chapter. Great character development. It feels like you are inside each of the characters' heads thinking every thought and feeling every feeling with them. There haven't been too many other fictional authors I've read that have done as good of a job with this as Jodi Picoult did. Upon finishing the book this weekend, I went to see the movie, of course. I typically do not cry during movies. The most tear jerking scenes don't make me shed a tear. I'm a rock. ha!

I went to see My Sister's Keeper tonight and I almost started bawling. I said almost! I kept it under control. It was just too much. Incredible movie. Great acting. I even liked the ways they changed the movie to make it different from the book. But OMG, it truly was one of the saddest and most touching movies I have EVER SEEN. My nose is still runny from crying the entire movie. Fortunately, I got some comedic relief from the couple two rows in front of me who MADE OUT the entire movie!!!! When it ended and everyone else was numb with grief, they stood up and KEPT MAKING OUT! FOR THE LOVE!! I guess some people can find anything romantic?!

Point is, go see My Sister's Keeper if you want a really, and I mean a really, good cry.

Nothing He Can't Do

2009-06-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

This is how we were talking about my grandfather yesterday as we were celebrating Father's Day. Is there anything he can't do? He can build houses. Fix up old cars. Put in wood floors. Fix toilets. Mend fences. Grow produce. Ranch cattle. Sing in choirs. Act in community theater. Lead his Sunday School class.

I know he is always a phone call away if I need anything. There is nothing he won't drop for those he loves. And no dirty job he won't do to help them, either. I wouldn't have made it through college without him. Among other things, I wouldn't have had a car. I sometimes wonder if he cringed when it was me, thinking, "What did she run into now?" If he did, I could never tell.

He is the hardest working person I know. He is also the most faithful man I know. Faithful to his wife of 50+ years, faithful to his children and grandchildren, faithful to God and his church community.

My grandfather is happy as long as he is surrounded by and serving those he loves. What a testimony to valuing what is most important in life. Father's Day is just another day to remember how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Cut the Sugar Please

2009-06-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

I went to see a sneak preview of the first romcom of the summer. This is the cool way to say "romantic comedy" these days, apparently.

I have been looking forward to the Proposal since I first saw previews [how many months ago??] And Dave Letterman's interview with Sandra Bullock [who looked emaciated according to my mother], made me even more excited to see it.

People who know me well know that while I like romcom's and am always up for seeing them, I tend to prefer them when they're more along the lines of The Breakup. In other words, when they don't have typical plots or can be considered quirky [not that I always want the couple to break-up!]

I wouldn't want to spoil the Proposal too much, but who doesn't figure that they somehow end up together? No matter how unlikely/unrealistic/ridiculous it might be?

My sister later told me that she sat next to me in the movie thinking, "Oh, I bet Lindsy doesn't like that - it's not like real life at all. Oh no, he's chasing her to win her back! I bet Lindsy doesn't like that - it's so scripted!" This really cracked me up. She knows me too well, as those were my exact thoughts throughout the movie! I hope I didn't ruin her enjoyment of it too much!

I love romance as much as any girl, but it really insults my intelligence when there is absolutely no reality/plot/intrigue to a movie. Is that why they have to put really good looking actors in these movies - so that we'll have something to distract us from the otherwise poorly made film??? Ok, it might work a tiny bit :) And I know I'm being harsh. However, is there anyone else who wants to see Away We Go? Because that's just the kind of movie I was craving after this one. A little salty to follow up the too-sweet taste that was left in my mouth.

Ohhhh Summer

2009-06-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

Summer means a lot of great things: vacations, laying by the pool, watermelon, kids out of school...

However, for my job, summer means a PAIN IN THE REAR END. Just because kids are out of school & teachers get a break, doesn't mean we get to go home! In fact, we now have the lovely task of chasing down the kiddos wherever they may roam...which could literally be anywhere!!

I love meeting with my kiddos in school - mostly because it guarantees a clean, safe, calm, and COOL environment. Did I mention COOL???? When I make home visits to five and six year old boy's homes who just want to run & play outside, I have a hard time saying no to their sweet begging. But thirty minutes later, as I am running around in my DRY CLEAN DRESS PANTS in 100 degree Texas weather chasing a little kid all over the street, I have flashes of moments where I consider jumping into my air conditioned car and saying, "I'll see you again when school starts!"

So I figure if I can just convince the kiddo to go inside...but no, sadly enough, it is HOTTER inside most of these homes than it is outside!!! Air conditioning is expensive, y'all. These poor kids who bear this heat all the time! But you know what I've noticed? Kids don't seem to mind the heat like adults. If I think back far enough, I can remember those days. ha!

I'm done complaining about the heat, but I definitely think we should be allowed to wear shorts to work, I mean, come on!!

Overall, I love my job and I love working with children! But, lately, I have had some trying moments with some very trying little kids. The kind of kids whose behavior scares every observer in site at the grocery store as they all think, "I would DIE if that were my kid." Kids who like to stab you in the eye with pens and laugh maniacally as you wince and scream in pain. Kids that move so fast so quick that you couldn't even follow their movement if you tried. It makes me tired just thinking about it. Point is, I have a lot to learn about handling kids! Especially difficult ones with serious behavior problems. Lord, help me, I need it! But mostly, help me to love these kids like you do!

Life according to an Elementary School Teacher

2009-06-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

Bank Lobby

My mother: [not too quietly] Oh, I'm so glad I don't work in a bank.

Me: Good thing you don't, then.

My mother: I mean, really how can they work like this? Where are the decorations?

Me: Decorations?

My mother: Yeah, where is the "fru fru?" It's so plain and business like!

Lessons from the ER

2009-05-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

A few things I've learned after being on call [for after hours mental health crises] my first week:

1. I need some more CD's to keep me company on long drives [new Matt Kearney CD, anyone?]
2. I've got to remember to change out of heels before I go do a screening, ouch!
3. Never let a patient walk out of the ER after a screening until the hospital ok's it [severe scolding results]
4. ER doctors are surprisingly friendly [for some reason, I thought they might be unfriendly/condescending]
5. If you've got a pen & clipboard in your hand and act like you know what you're doing anyone will take you seriously
6. Medical staff are [often] scared of mental health issues and will likely answer "Whatever you think" to all of your suggestions
7. Curtains are hardly sufficient to separate patients in an Emergency Room...according to one of my patients, "I think he needs you more than me right now."
8. Jails are smelly & cold places [I did some screenings in a jail]
9. ER staff love to eat [according to one doctor..."It helps my nerves when I'm here."]
10. After screening other people, my life doesn't seem too hard after all [a little perspective]

Pump it UP

2009-05-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

This is clearly my goal as I weight train [minus the blonde hair of course]. I want to be an amazon-donna [her nickname]. Is she not lovely?? And if they would let me stand on a pile of rocks while I lifted...

I cannot feel my legs. I cannot feel my arms. And I cannot handle the fact that the sixty year old woman next to me was lifting more weight on her barbell.

I am very new to real weight training [I've done some pretty easy machine lifting for the past few months]. In my usual fashion, at my first class, I was much too proud to admit to the teacher that I was new and actually ask for assistance in setting up my weights. My first class, I had no idea that a barbell required "clips" on the ends to hold the weights?! Mid-lift my weight became a dangerous projectile. How embarassing. I think the guy next to me was a little unnerved by his near death experience. But who knows if a 2.5 weight could really kill anybody? Good thing I'm not too strong yet. My eventual goal is to use the big weight with a medium weight stacked on like the cool people in the class. During the second class today, I definitely remembered my clips.

Does anybody else out there hate squats? Lunges? I LOATHE them! And that plank thing?
And when the instructor says "Let me see your smiles!" during the last excruciating set? Really? Again, really?

Nonetheless, some reasons to suffer:

1. Stronger muscles will make everyday tasks, such as picking up kids, not only easier but also safer as you will be less prone to injury.

2. Lifting weights will help you lose body fat! As your body mass decreases your resting metabolism (how many calories you burn just sitting around) will increase. Did you know that for every pound of muscle you gain you’ll burn 30-50 more calories per day? The extra muscle will also benefit you as you get older by keeping the fat off and helping you maintain strong bones.

3. I can hear you now, “I don’t want to look big and bulky.” Don’t worry, you won’t bulk up. Unlike men, women don’t have enough testosterone to build bulky muscles. Men have 10 to 30 times the amount of the hormone than women.

4. As I mentioned before weight lifting helps keep bones strong and decrease the risk of osteoporosis. Weight lifting can significantly increase the density of the bones in your spine in just 6 months.

5. Weight training also helps prevent arthritis and even back pain

6. Weight lifting can also increase your cardiovascular health by lowering your blood pressure and increase “good cholesterol”.

7. The risk of diabetes is also decreased with weight training. That’s because it improves the way your body processes sugar.

8. Feel Better. A study done by Harvard showed that after 10 weeks of weight training, people suffering from clinical symptoms of depression felt better than those only receiving counseling.

9. Weight lifting also helps ward off sluggishness that often affects people as they get older.

10. You’re never too old to start weight lifting programs. Just make sure no matter what your age your consult your doctor first.

weight-lifting-programs.blogspot.com/2008/01/...

Confession

2009-05-14T20:40:00.001-07:00

Honest Confession...there are times when I have a problem with cute clothing jealousy. I will see someone with a really cute outfit on...great shoes...maybe some adorable accessories. They look good. And while I admire their outfit, I feel a twinge of jealousy. Jealousy that they look that cute. Jealousy that I don't have that outfit...that I didn't think of putting something that cute together. It's ridiculous, right? Instead of simply admiring their great style, it goes one unnecessary step further in my head and becomes a comparison issue. I suddenly feel insecure about what I'm wearing and about my own ability to look good.

I made this observation the other day when I caught myself feeling jealous. It honestly surprised me. You know how every once in a while you have this out of body experience that leads to some startling new insight about yourself? [ok, well at least this happens to me! :)] While I don't fall prey to clothing jealousy all the time [as in, it's not an every day or even an every week battle], it's a problem all the same when it does happen.

I also realized that this type of jealousy hasn't always been limited to clothing. In fact, I have experienced this same type of jealousy when I see a really nicely decorated house. As silly as it sounds, it was a struggle for me starting years back [high school?] And I've never even had a house!! But there have been times that I would immediately go from admiring to jealousy to doubting my own ability to create something that grand. And it totally stole the enjoyment right out from under me. Sad, huh? I definitely remember freshman dorm move-in week and being beside myself because so many girls had the most amazingly decorated rooms, and I felt like mine just wasn't going to be cute enough!! Luckily, I relaxed soon after! But, really??

I would guess [in fact, I know] that I'm not completely alone in struggling with jealousy & comparison . But I do wonder what things other women experience jealousy/insecurity about? Husbands? Parenting? Kids' development? [Just some guesses] You get the picture. Maybe while it's just about clothing and decorating a home I don't have I should nip it in the bud. Starting with a confession & following with prayer....

Hedging

2009-05-07T20:38:00.001-07:00

Do you know that the word "hedge" can have three different meanings? I only knew two of them - until this week. Then I learned the third.

Boss: Lindsy, you really have a lot of good things to say during the kids' doctor appointments. But you need to be more confident. You hedge a lot.

Me: I what? Oh, do you mean that I qualify my statements? Yeah, I do that all the time. People have told me it's annoying.

Boss: Well, you need to stop!

So what did I do once the conversation was over? Google "hedge" of course! Unfortunately, I wound up with a bunch of sites for hedge funds and grass hedges. But then I found this:

A hedge is a mitigating device used to lessen the impact of an utterance.

For example:

He is a slightly stupid person.
I'm not an expert but you might want to try restarting your computer.
The party was somewhat spoiled by the return of the parents.
There might just be a few insignificant problems we need to address.

In order to avoid offending someone/sounding too harsh, I tend to hedge all over the place.

I mean, you don't have to if you don't want, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd....

Well, I might be wrong, but I think that....

My personal favorite, Not to be rude, but [insert rude statement here].

Basically, don't believe anything I say because I have no idea what I'm talking about. Or I'm kind of afraid you might hit me so I'm going to sugarcoat whatever I say to you.

I'm sure it leaves people saying, "Will you just SAY IT?!"

Yeah, I'll maybe try to work on it, ok?

Chi=Lifesaver

2009-05-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is how I walked into HEB this morning. My hair was washed, it was blow-dried, and it was embarrassing.

My hair was wild. I left my precious straightener at my friend's house in Houston. My life almost came to a screeching halt. My sister brought her Chi over for me yesterday morning [what a lifesaver!]

But I still knew I was going to have to do something drastic...like spend 100 bucks for a new one. gulp
My amazing Chi broke a couple of months ago and my hair has never been the same. I've been using a knock-off [gasp] brand since then. I think it was fate that I left it in Houston.

Now I'm 100 bucks poorer but so much happier. And my hair, oh my hair! So shiny and straight! As I
walked out of the HEB parking lot this morning [yes,
they do sell them there under lock & key], I wondered,
"Shouldn't I feel ridiculous for spending that much on
a hair tool?" But the answer was clear, "No, no,
it's totally worth it."

Can I Get a Hanger?

2009-05-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

For the last month or so, I've decided that hangers are optional. It's much easier to simply keep your clean clothes in a laundry basket - or two - or three - and just pick stuff out as you need it. Sure, it gets wrinkled, sure, you forget you even own it. And ok, sure, it takes like twenty minutes in the morning to find that sweater you just know was on top of the basket yesterday.

A little more than a month ago, I got inspired to do a major clean up of my room. I worked for two straight days. And it looked great when I got through. I separated every single piece of clothing into piles and put them up accordingly. I even hung them according to season/category. It was lovely while it lasted. I came home every day and admired my beautiful, organized, rainbow colored closet. And this lasted two weeks max.

When I get home from work, I just don't feel like cleaning up my room. Lazy much? I swear I'm going to pick up the clothes on the weekend. Heh.

I keep it pretty contained most of the time. But in the mornings it's a mad scramble to find what I want to wear and get to work. The result is that I come home to something like this every day:

Ok, so maybe not quite that high - but close! Then I heave it all back into a laundry basket or two and go on my merry way. Saying, mind you, "Oh, I have got to do something about this next weekend!"

Do you think if I had these [Huggable Hangers] I'd be more inspired to use my closet? They have me pretty convinced that they just might change my life when I watch HSN.

Here's to airing my "dirty laundry" on the world wide web. Stay tuned for tips on how I deal with de-cluttering my desk. [Hint: It usually involves a similar philosophy - sweep off desk into trash bag and sort later].

Is He the One?

2009-04-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

I like to look at blogs. Of people I know. And people I don't. It's ok, you can call me a blog stalker :) The latest one I've found? http://theologyforwomen.blogspot.com/

It has some really thought-provoking and well written posts. Admittedly, I haven't even read through half of them, so if upon further perusal my opinion changes, I'll let you know :)

I particularly liked one post. Because I could relate to it so well. Several years ago, I would've have given my right arm to have an answer to the question, "How do I know if he's the one?" I was just dying for someone to give me the magic clue. And nothing, absolutely nothing infuriated me more than hearing, "Oh Honey, you'll just know." Several years later, and I still haven't found him. But I'm not so worried anymore. I haven't found any magic answers either, but I do think that when it's right I will know. Not in a lightning-bolt from the sky way, but in a peace-filled, lack of anxiety, excited to be marrying him not terrified out of my mind trying to make a decision kind of way. And I'm looking forward to that :)

Does your theology dictate how you view either your own journey in finding a spouse (if you're single) or how you encourage your single friends in their journey (especially if you are married)? My experience is that there is often a disconnect between what we say we believe about God and what we believe about finding a spouse. I know this well from my own experience.

When I was 25, I was dating a cowboy from the midwest that I thought for sure I was going to marry. He was a great guy, but in the end, I couldn't do it. I had terrible bouts with anxiety as I considered both moving forward with him toward marriage and breaking up with him and never seeing him again. But in the end, I couldn't make myself go forward no matter how much I prayed and tried.

Then I moved to a new city and started a new job. Suddenly, with no new prospects on the horizon, I sank into depression. I believed I had lost my last chance at happiness. I even had a godly older person say something along those lines to me. I finally mustered up the courage to call the cowboy. He was very kind on the phone, but at that point, he had begun dating the woman he would later marry. I was devastated. I had squandered my last chance at happiness by breaking up with him. Or so I thought.

During the time I was wrestling with myself concering marrying the cowboy, my older sister gave me some advice. She said that I would know if I should marry him. Know?! What does that mean? She just said I would know when it was right. It was a little frustrating because I needed a better definition.

It reminds me now of my first trip to Seattle. My husband and I were intent on seeing Mt. Rainier. But it was cloudy and overcast the first few days of our trip. We looked at the outline of the Cascades. Was that Mt. Rainer? Then we saw the Olympics. Maybe that tallest thing in the middle was Mt. Rainier? Then we went to the Space Needle and asked the tour guide there to show us Mt. Rainier. She looked but said the mountain wasn't out today. A day later, my husband and I were driving south on I-5 heading toward the airport. And suddenly, there it was. "Oooohhhhh. THAT'S Mt. Rainier." When you see it, there is no way on earth you won't recognize it.

When my husband finally entered my life, I didn't have to talk myself into it. I knew.

Two passages come to mind that I would use to encourage women on this issue.

Proverbs 3:5-6 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I think we can look at this 2nd passage two ways. First, delight in the Lord and He will give you the things you desire. Second, delight in the Lord and He will give you desire for the things He wants you to pursue. Regardless, if we love and pursue God first and foremost, we don't have to be suspicious of our desires. In every avenue, rather than analyzing what we want and why we want it, the exhortation of Scripture is to analyze GOD. Set your mind on Him. Love Him. Delight in Him. And He will give you your desires. He will make your paths straight.

Does your theology match your views of dating? Are you Calvinist on your soteriology but Arminian practically speaking? If you believe in a sovereign God who loves His children and has a good plan for their lives, you don't have to live in fear that you are going to squander your one chance at happiness. You don't have to talk yourself into marrying someone because you are afraid of an empty life if you don't. That is not the character of our Father. Stop striving and rest in Him.

You Do What??

2009-04-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

I don't think my family is as thrilled about the work that I'm doing as I am. When I excitedly try to tell stories of my job, I tend to get strange looks or blank stares. My mom thinks my job is depressing. My grandmother wants to know if I'm emotionally capable of doing it. "You don't want to do this forever do you?"

I just don't get it. I think it's so interesting and fulfilling. Sure, there are sad cases and quite a few intense moments, but I actually like it. Is that so weird? I told my grandma, "So far, I'm handling it pretty well. I don't take it home with me. I know that God's giving me the strength to be in this field and that this is where I'm supposed to be right now." She kind of nodded like sure, right.

It's probably just because they are protective of me. But I do wish that they would get excited with me! I am learning so much and receiving invaluable training. It's not always a pretty job, but I would take it over a cubicle any day.

My Latest Gig

2009-04-18T13:39:00.001-07:00

Since I don't have enough drama in my day job... I think I'm going to start doing something else. The emergency rooms in all Brazos County hospitals have a contract with MHMR Brazos Valley. If anyone with a mental health crisis [is homicidal or suicidal] gets brought into the ER, then a qualified Mental Health Professional from MHMR gets sent out to assess him and decide if he needs to be admitted to a Psych Hospital. Fun, huh?

So, really, I just want to earn some extra money. And I won't deny it does provide a little adrenaline rush :)

Thursday night, I went out on my first call [along with someone who'd done this before] to learn the steps involved. And there are many. Lots of paperwork and lots of phone calls. You have to assess them and then consult with the attending ER MD to decide if they should be committed. And you might have to place them against their will - especially if they're psychotic [which we had to do Thursday night]. You have to check their medical clearance [all of their labs and drug screenings] and then find an open bed somewhere in the state of Texas to place them. Apparently, this is easier said than done. If you decide not to commit them, then you do a "safety plan" with them, detailing ways they are going to stay out of crisis.

It's all really interesting and new to me. The ER is exciting for sure. I'm a little nervous about it still. It seems really intense, and I'm afraid of messing the process up. I'll let you know how it goes after my first "solo" trip to the ER. No doubt I'll have MANY interesting stories to share.

For Now

2009-04-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

"For now" is something I find myself saying a lot lately.

So you live in College Station? For now. You're working and not in graduate school? For now. You live at home?! Sigh. For now.

Do I have enough patience for now? Some days I wonder. I like my job. I don't necessarily love living in CS, but I could live somewhere worse. Living at home? I can't deny the financial benefits. But yes, it can be tough and it's not my first choice. It's just the wisest option for now.

After the disastrous fall I had [hurricane, unexpected job loss], I am finally getting to a point where I am on even ground again. The last few months I have been so thankful to have a job, health insurance, and money coming in again that I haven't cared about much else. Now that life is settling into a steady rhythm once more, I find myself less content. Typical, right?

As the "ominous" age of 25 looms in the distance, I find myself wondering if I should be farther along in my plans. Shouldn't I be finishing grad school by now or married or about to get married? Certainly not living at home.

Life since graduation has definitely taken some unexpected turns. I was looking at old high school/college pics and it got me thinking about my plans and dreams. Some I've achieved and others have been harder to reach than I anticipated. Numerous hurdles have appeared in my way. Some things I couldn't have prepared for. Others I was very prepared for. Is life ever really predictable?

You know who puts the most pressure on me to reach a certain mark or follow a specific timeline? Me. I am the one who has the ability to choose contentment and thankfulness. I am the one who can make the decision to be joyful where I am for now.

Sisters

2009-04-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

No one can tell the difference between my sister and I on the phone. No one.
Despite sharing the same gene pool, at first glance, we don't seem to share much else in common. But the voice, apparently. Our own mother doesn't know the difference when we answer the phone.

She's blond, I'm obviously brunette. Alright, so we're both short - exactly 5'2" I would say. She looks just like my mom, while I look just like my dad. I love to read anything I can get my hands on, but my sister would rather be doing anything else.

My sister's typically been the more laid back, go-with the flow person. She doesn't have to be in charge and doesn't have to feel in control. What a second born. I've envied her those traits for years. Both of us are very passionate and will fight tenaciously for our cause, but if we had a stubborness contest, I think I might win :) I usually did growing up - but she didn't give up without a fight.

We both love people. Of any age, any color, any personality. But my sister is more willing to roll up her sleeves and get her hands dirty. I'm more likely to just talk to you for hours. My sister has a servant's heart. We visited the nursing home a lot growing up, and she made friends with all of the residents. No smells or unsightly messes even phased her. I was probably wrinkling my nose. She's planning to be a nurse. I think she would make an awesome one.

I enjoy that we both have the same sense of humor. We laugh at the stupidest tv shows and movies. And we don't feel self-conscious. I think I might have even broken her into The Office. Listening to music together is fun. She likes to turn up the volume really loud when we go through drive-thrus to embarrass me.

Twenty or so years ago, I was really upset to have another kid in my house. I asked my grandmother, "When is she going back?" It took some adjustment, but I am so grateful to have my sister in my life.

Scrubbing Floors

2009-03-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

"Lemme tell you what homeless people think about folks that help homeless people: When you homeless, you wonder why certain volunteers do what they do. What do they want? Everybody want somethin...While everybody else was fallin in love with em, I was what you call skeptical. I wadn't thinkin nothin evil. It was just that they didn't look like the type to come in and mess with the homeless. People like that might not feel within themselves that they're better than you, but when you the one that's homeless, you feel like they feel like they're better than you."

So far, I'm really enjoying the Same Kind of Different as Me. I think I knew I would. It's funny how I can read a touching story every night before I go to bed about a wealthy man befriending a homeless man and then go to work and figure that what's in the book has nothing to do with me and my day.

What's tough about social work is the meeting of ideals and reality. Reaching out to people in the "slums" sounds good and noble. But being in the slums and entering falling down houses that stink to high heaven is another story. Sure I judge. I wince. I even hold my breath. I shake my head in frustration. No, I don't want to get down on the floor of that living room with that kid! And what kind of parent smokes around their four year old? If it weren't for that crazy parent the kid would be fine!

So, a lot of these things are true. They're reality. But I tend to forget my larger purpose: the people and their hearts - building relationships.

The director of one of the Head Start programs really challenged me this week. I was in a hurry and wasn't looking to stay and talk. I was in task mode. But she said, "You know, it's all about relationship. I've been doing this for twenty plus years, and that's why I would say. You have to build trust, build a relationship with these people. You can't just try to help them. It won't work. It won't create lasting change. You've got to be willing to scrub their floors with them and talk about life."

My heart was very pricked when she talked about offering to help clean their houses! I don't even know if she was a believer, but at that moment I realized that her heart towards the people she helps is much more Christlike than mine. Would I be willing to scrub the dirt off of some of these peoples' filthy floors? Would I be "too good" to do that? How do I make myself relevant to their world and their problems? Or do I come in and offer a condescending word of advice and pat myself on the back for my altruism? Am I even open to a relationship? Very convicting indeed.

Simply Sad

2009-03-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

You know how situations can get really complicated and you don't even know how you feel about them anymore? Maybe your emotions are one big mixture. Sometimes your emotions surprise even you. They spring up out of nowhere and take you over with their intensity.

For years, me [and my family members] have had a rocky relationship at best with my Dad. He's now making the same choices with my sister as he did with me. And I'm watching from the sidelines. And today, it made me sad. I've become so accustomed to how things play out, that I don't usually have a ton of emotion about it. I've grown up, I've moved on. And I feel removed.

Today, I found myself back at the beginning, at the originating emotion: Sad. My heart breaks over the loss of this father. And I'm sad all over again that he can't be what I wanted him to be. I know that I'll be alright, but for a moment today, I felt simply sad once again.

I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays

2009-03-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Anyone else heard too much of that song lately? [Poker Face] I can't count the number of times I heard it this weekend. I like her song Just Dance better.

I had a great weekend, starting with a good friend, Annie coming to visit me all the way from Missouri. It's been a year since I last saw her [on our DC trip]. Phone communication can keep you caught up, but nothing beats face to face. We had a lot of fun Saturday going to the rodeo [though the calf roping and scramble upset us], eating at Taste of Texas [yum, but the cow tag in the steak upset us too - can you tell we love cows?], and hanging/going out with Cristina [our other friend]. Annie was such a trooper with the cold, rainy weather. She was bummed that it wasn't warmer here! Sunday, we headed back to College Station and visited with some of my friends who were in town from Dallas. Monday & Tuesday I had to work :( But we still made the best of it, eating at Annie's "requested" Texas/College Station places: Blue Baker, Taco Cabana, Freebirds, & Shipley's. I think I ate out enough for the rest of the month!

It was really wonderful to see so many friends in one weekend. I was definitely needing a break & some fun. I like CS, but it can get a little boring around here at times. Once I visit Houston though, I am always happy to be back here again. I would love to find a more in between place: somewhere a little more urban/larger than CS but not as hectic and huge [not to mention lacking in visual appeal & tolerable weather] as Houston. Any ideas?

On a funny note, Annie & I cheered at the rodeo whenever the calves got away from the cowboys during the roping. I don't think our neighbors were impressed. When we were driving into Reliant Stadium, some guy was holding a sign saying something like: Thrown, Slammed, and Choked with a picture of a baby calf on it. Immediately, I did not want to go to the rodeo [except for the concert part and maybe the barrel racing]. I was distraught as I looked at the little baby calves in their pen, unsuspecting [at least that's how it goes in my mind] of their fate. I commented to Annie: "Why can't they have a baby roping or toddler scramble instead?" Cows are just too cute and innocent. I think Annie choked on her water. Yeah. Have I mentioned that I love animals just a little? FYI, I'm not serious - mostly.

Just Get Back in Bed!

2009-03-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's 7am, and I'm still not up yet. So tired. Why is it that my bed's always more cozy in the morning? When my feet finally decide to hit the floor, I feel sticky on my bare skin. YUCK. Another humid day. As I start my "get ready" routine, I'm feeling ok. I can handle this morning thing.

Until: the BLOWDRYER. Do you know what it's like to blowdry your hair when it's 80 degrees with 100% humidity? GROSS. My face is dripping sweat mingled with moisturizer. I haphazardly wipe it off to get some makeup on there. Is it even worth it? I figure I should wait on the eyeliner until I straighten my hair. One less thing to melt down my face in streaks. Straightening my hair...a whole new level of GROSS. Talk about hot - hundreds of degrees hot. But my hair looks nice. I have to take a break under the fan just to cool myself off. Onto the eyeliner - and perfection. Ten years and I'm pretty talented at this whole thing. Maybe I'll post a YouTube tutorial?

Next, getting dressed. If I were smart, I would try on clothes the night before. But who knows if what looked good last night would pass inspection today? Outfit choice one doesn't cut it. Ugly. Just ugly. Outfit two...oh, not possible, those pants are in the wash. Darnit.

Twenty minutes later..........I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR. EVERYTHING LOOKS HIDEOUS. WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I BOUGHT THAT?? DID I ACTUALLY THINK I LOOKED GOOD IN THAT LAST MONTH?!? I dejectedly pass by the mirror and stare in horror. My hair. MY HAIR! It's RUINED. Absolutely destroyed by humidity. What was once shiny, smooth, and perfectly styled hair twenty minutes ago is now uglier than when I first rolled out of bed. AWESOME. That's when I officially decide: I HATE TEXAS. I HATE THIS WEATHER!! WHY HAVEN'T I MOVED BEFORE NOW? WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING BY STAYING IN THIS HELLISH INFERNO!?! And, in my perfectly rational state of mind: THAT'S IT! I'LL CALL IN SICK. THIS DAY CAN BE OVER BEFORE IT STARTS!! I'LL JUST GET BACK IN BED!

Of course, I didn't call in sick. I managed to [somewhat] salvage my hair, find a [halfway] decent something to wear, and get to work late. It should be noted that I was uncomfortable all day long. I was permanently stuck with the "Man I feel like a trainwreck" sensation. Some days it really might be better to just get back in bed.

Confessing "Safe" Sins

2009-03-09T19:16:00.000-07:00

This site (stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com) is HILARIOUS - and I thought this was a particularly awesome entry:

#502. Confessing "Safe Sins"

Have you ever been in a small group with people that confess safe sins? Someone will say, “I need to be honest with everyone tonight. I need to have full disclosure and submit myself in honesty. Like ODB from the Wu-Tang Clan, I need to give it to you raw!” So you brace yourself for this crazy moment of authenticity and the person takes a deep breath and says … “I haven’t been reading my Bible enough.”

Ugh, you, dirty, dirty sinner. I’m not even sure I can be in a small group with you any more. Not reading your Bible enough, that is disgusting. And then once he’s gone someone else will catch the safe sin bug too and will say, “I need to be real too. I haven’t been praying enough.”

Two of you in the same room? Wow, freak shows! I can barely stand it.

But what happens when people start confessing safe sins is that everyone else in the room starts concealing their real junk. I mean if I was surrounded by confessions like that in the eighth grade I would have instantly known I couldn’t follow the “not reading my Bible enough” guy with my own story:

“Soooo, this weekend when it was snowing I told my parents I was going to the dump to sled but instead I was really just digging through a 200 foot mountain of warm trash looking for pornography.” And the same principle would have applied to me in my late 20s. I wouldn’t have been honest sharing my struggles with Internet porn if everyone else confessed their “safe enough for small group” sins.

And that sucks. It sucks that as broken as we all are, as desperate as we all are for a Savior, we feel compelled to clean ourselves up when we get around each other.

But this blog has taught me something unbelievable. If I stop writing tomorrow, this will be the lesson I cling to the most.

When you go first, you give everyone in your church or your community or your small group or your blog, the gift of going second.

It’s so much harder to be first. No one knows what’s off limits yet and you’re setting the boundaries with your words. You’re throwing yourself on the honesty grenade and taking whatever fall out that comes with it. Going second is so much easier. And the ease only grows exponentially as people continue to share. But it has to be started somewhere. Someone has to go first and I think it has to be us.

We’re called to give the gift of second to the people in our lives. To live the truth, to share the truth, to be the truth.

Let’s give the gift of going second.

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/03/502-confessing-safe-sins.html

Hot Mess!!

2009-03-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

According to urban dictionary.com (the most authoritative dictionary on the web), a hot mess is : Someone or something that is such a mess... the level of it is off of the charts. It's past pathetic, past pitiful. It's to the point you almost have to walk away to keep from bustin a gut.

My experience trying to do a child intake at work today was a hot mess. Can't even find an office to do it in, dozens of papers everywhere, little kid running around bored out of his mind begging to leave, absolutely no idea what I'm doing, 100 degrees in the room, my brain shutting down.

Last Thursday one of our med clinic appointments was a hot mess. I guess I can't really talk too much about it. Probably a good thing. Just trust me, it was a HOT MESS.

Starting in two weeks, I'm taking over someone else's caseload while they are on extended sick leave (4-6 weeks). As a brand spanking new caseworker, I'll go from having 2 kiddos to 24 kiddos!! 5 of whom are in "intensive service packages" (aka really really high maintenance/risk). The typical per caseload is 2! All the while, one of my best friends is flying down to stay with me the week I take it on! Now that's a hot mess!!

I can't explain how many hot messes you get to see/experience working as a mental health case worker.

I first learned the phrase last year. One of my co-workers would always say, "Man, that's a hot mess!" I loved it. And have ever since.

Note: Hot Mess, among other things, can also mean:
A girl who manages to look stunning when other girls would look badly dressed, messy, dirty etc. I, however am definitely NOT talking about this type of hot mess. Trust me.

One Sheep

2009-03-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

"If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? 13And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. It is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." ~Matthew 18:12-14

This verse challenges me. It challenges me because if I were a shepherd, I could't imagine being that patient, that willing to refuse to give up on someone. I would be thinking, "Stupid sheep! You made me leave all of those other sheep so I can come chase after you because you decided to be stubborn and selfish and insensitive! Who do you think you are?" Or something like that.

I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that God loves all of humanity like this. To be honest, it hasn't always been as hard to wrap my head around. But the more I learn of the evil and perversion and cruelty and dysfunction that exists within the human race, the more floored I am that God doesn't want even one to perish!

I've always thought I was good at loving people. I've always thought I was compassionate, perhaps even a "bleeding heart." But I now realize that I am completely, utterly unable to love people the way God does. Period.

My job is showing me this - seeing such dysfunction, and often, such depravity. Sometimes it makes me you want to give up on people. To say, "What's the use, they'll just turn out like their parents anyways. They're too far gone to help." I seriously find myself thinking & feeling these things. Mostly when I'm too overwhelmed by what I'm seeing or hearing. I'm so unable, so inadequate. "It is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish."

Maybe schools, juvenile justice centers, and mental health professionals have given up on some of these kids. Maybe they say they're unreachable, ruined, destined for a life of pain and destruction. But God says they're worth it. He says they've still got a chance. He says He would leave the other ninety-nine just to go after them. He would risk it all for the most messed up, depraved, hopeless individual. And He would say it's worth it.

I desperately desire God's heart so that I will never forget that each and every kid, no matter how little improvement or hope I see, is absolutely worth it.

Three Wishes

2009-02-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

I am almost done with "training" for my new position. Thank goodness!! We are just finishing up this week, and then I'll be ready to "fly" as my boss put it today. This afternoon, we were doing some role playing. Specifically, we were role playing some interviews we do with kids and their families. One question was, "If you could have three wishes granted, what would they be."

When my boss asked me this, I was surprised by what came first to my mind. Pretty much, it was:
I want to have a PhD in Psychology, I want to get married, I want to have kids. The PhD part didn't surprise me because that's been a aspiration/dream of mine for years. The immediacy with which the marriage/kid part came to mind did surprise me, however. I thought maybe a dream trip around the world, winning the lottery, or having all of my student loans paid off might pop up first. But nope. I guess I've always wanted to be married someday and have kids someday. But it's never been something I could say I want right now or in the near future. Until now, apparently. Strange. :)

I was too embarrassed to say those two out loud. Not because I'm embarrassed at wanting those things (ok, well maybe I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit to my boss who I don't know too well that a wish I want granted is to be married). Mainly, however, it's because I surprised myself. And I needed time to process those wishes. Funny how such an innocent question can make you aware of something you didn't know you wanted.

Grounded

2009-02-16T19:20:00.001-08:00

So maybe I'll be referencing this fact a lot in the next several months, but I am "grounding" myself from spending money on any big items, events, etc., until I get some other stuff paid off and some saving done. No fun.

I love to dream. And plan big, fun things to do. The mundane (paying bills, paying for food, paying for gas) is so boring to me. I wish it just took care of itself. And then money could be spent on things that make life worth living - and create awesome memories! The thing that I find inconvenient to remember is that the other "fun" stuff can't happen unless the necessities are taken care of. A example of how I don't always joyously embrace the practical side of life.

But while I am "grounding" myself to being practical, I can dream right? Some things I want to do/experience (in no particular order):

1. Go to England, Italy, Spain, Germany, Netherlands, France, Austria
2. Take a luxury train across Canada
3. Spend a week in Hawaii (and try surfing!)
4. Visit Northern California (wine country, redwood forest, yosemite)
5. Travel to India
6. Go on a mission trip to Appalachia (the region in the US)
7. Take a camping trip in the mountains (any mountains)
8. Ride in a hot air balloon
9. Go scuba diving
10. Learn how to ballroom & latin dance

Maybe I could do #10 now. :)

The Newest Movie Critic

2009-02-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year, I felt like there were very few movies coming out that I wanted to see. Now, all of a sudden, there are quite a few.

I love to see movies! And I usually see a bunch. I also tend to see the same movie several times. I'll go to see a movie with one friend, and then later, another friend will ask to go see it. Sometimes I don't tell the people I'm going with that I've seen it already :)

This weekend I saw Confessions of a Shopaholic & Slumdog Millionaire.

Confessions was cute. It was funny at moments. The best moment of the whole movie (to me) was when she tried to dance with her fan. HILARIOUS!!! I saw it on opening night, so I was surrounded by millions of teenage girls. Who clapped and cheered and sighed all throughout the movie. I could have done without that. It was a little more cheesy than I thought it would be. My biggest beef is how it made financial debt seem less serious than it really is. She did end up realizing that she was going to have to pay back her $16,000 of clothing debt (after running away from creditors most of the movie). But the paying off part happened all to easily and quickly to be realistic. And then she got the guy. Like magic. I'm sure teenage girls enjoyed the movie for the cute guy and the cheesy romance - and didn't even think twice about the financial aspect. Am I getting old?

Today, I saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was an excellent movie. The cinematography was breathtaking. The soundtrack was beautiful and each song added another dimension to what the viewer was seeing. It made me realize how little I know about India. And the love story. Sigh. I adored the character of Jamal. I would marry Jamal. Seriously. A lot of violence in this movie. Definitely not easy to watch in some parts. But overall, a movie absolutely worth seeing.

I couldn't fit in every movie I wanted to see this weekend. I still would love to see Paul Blart Mall Cop, Taken, and He's Just Not That Into You. Maybe next weekend :)

Tears for Kids

2009-02-11T19:50:00.000-08:00

It's happened about three times now. I've teared up - on the job. I've been embarrassed, but I honestly don't think anyone's noticed. I don't have this problem too often. The problem of crying when I don't want to, that is.

I feel like I've got to be "tough" for this job. There are too many hard things to face. But hearing some of the kids' (and their families) stories breaks my heart. Do I want to reach the place where I don't feel like crying about tragedy in innocent little lives?

I have tears for the pregnant barely teenage girls who are abusing drugs, for their unborn children. Tears for the five year old who says he just wants to die. I have tears for the teen who cuts her arms every night to deal with her pain. Tears for the kid who's mom beats him and tells him he's no good. Tears for the boy in juvenile who comes in orange with cuffs around his feet, destined to go to the "big jail." Tears for the kid who's already hearing "voices" and has been told he's sure to be schizophrenic the rest of his life. I have a lot of tears to shed for these kids. Lord help me have enough of your love to give to them - and the strength to give it.

You Might be a Mental Health Caseworker if...

2009-02-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I don't personally agree or relate with all of these - I just thought they provided an interesting and humorous look into the life of a mental health caseworker:

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

You have your weekends planned for a year in advance.
(Because of crisis on-call work)

Your bladder capacity can stretch to the size of a Winnebago water tank.
(No time to go the bathroom, too many crises!)

The sight of a full moon spoils an otherwise perfect day.

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be recognized as a DSMIV diagnosis.

You take it as a compliment when someone cusses you out.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear in coworker's hearts.

You have heard yourself asking the assessment question, "So, what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 10 years?"

You can tell the difference between a medical order and tracks outside of a poultry farm.
(Doctor's chicken scratch!)

You always try to schedule days off around phases of the moon.

Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard.
(Sad but true)

You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.

You have actually thought OD rather than BBQ when asked to get the charcoal.
(charcoal is used to treat a drug overdose)

A large part of your daily caloric intake is made of up of Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin.

When checking the level of orientation of a client, you aren't sure of the correct answer.
(Asking clients who they are, where they are, what day it is, time it is, etc)

Some of these I completely didn't understand. Until someone clarified them for me. Some of them are sad but true. Being a mental health caseworker is pretty different than working with individuals with an intellectual disability. Some things are the same, but a lot are not. Working with children and seeing some of their home environments is heartbreaking. Some are dealing with circumstances that I could hardly imagine in my nightmares. And I am supposed to help them. Many times I wonder how this is possible when their environment is what it is. I think, "No wonder they have this diagnosis! Who wouldn't have problems if they grew up with this?" But I am here to do what I can, while I can. It can be exhausting. But in a good, I'm making a difference and I have so much to be thankful for kind of way. I know this isn't (at least I don't plan on it being) a long term career - being a mental health caseworker that is. For one, it doesn't pay near enough to support someone. But I do plan to take advantage of the experience and knowledge I'll gain while loving on the kids as much as I'm able.

Jon and Kate Plus 8?

2009-02-03T19:45:00.001-08:00

I really enjoy this show, and I have for a couple of years now. I make sure that I am home on Monday nights to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8, and I think that their kids are adorable. The parents seem very committed to raising the kids to the best of their ability. I am also not a parent, and I have no idea what it must be like to raise eight kids!! I can't even imagine.

All that being said, in the last year, the way the mother Kate talks and acts in general on the show often makes me cringe. Is this just me? I feel like it's gotten more pronounced in the last season or so, and it makes me sad. It could be that the producers are just focusing on it more to create "drama." But TLC is usually pretty good about being real to life, and that's why I love to watch their reality shows. Jon and Kate Plus 8, at least initially, was supposed to be a show about the daily life of a family with two sets of multiples. But I have to admit, the episodes have become less and less about daily life (possibly to make it more interesting), and have left me more and more stressed out after watching them. I often feel like I've been yelled at or berated after I get done listening to Kate speak to one of her children or Jon. I shrink into the couch. What really gets me curious about other people's take on it is the fact that so many Christians put this family up on a pedestal (and Kate in general). In fact, Kate goes around the country now speaking to groups of Christian women. I'm not saying she's not qualified to do this (or that she shouldn't - I'm sure she's an inspiration to so many women), but I do wonder what other people think about her behavior on the show. My family gets onto to me for making critical or negative comments when watching it. And I always feel guilty for judging when I am not in their shoes. But it is a public television show, and I am surprised at how many positive and glowing comments come from Christian viewers. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this?

Why I love teenagers

2009-02-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

I love teenagers. It's true, it wasn't too long ago that I was one myself. But my love for them began when I was working with the youth at my church during college. And it still continues today. If I was going to be a teacher, I would want to teach eighth grade or older for sure. Substitute teaching this January confirmed that.

Today I shadowed a fellow caseworker as she visited some of her kids at school. We saw several kids, ranging from elementary to high school age. The elementary kiddos are adorable and fun to play with/talk to but my hands down favorite are the junior high/high school kids. I was trying to think of why that is, and I think I figured it out.

I love how stuff just starts to "click" for kids at this age. It's as if a light bulb turns on in their head, and they're seeing everything with new eyes. They can really talk to you, and their voice is big. It's emerging and independent. Kids voices' are precious, but they're still developing, and often echo their parents or authorities. I think it's such a cool thing to get to see the wheels turning in a teenager's head (especially young teenagers) as their own ideas are all coming together for the first time. I even find the intensity of their emotions endearing. Whether it be frustration, joy, longing, fear, or angst, I think their feelings take everyone else back to a time when they started to be who they became to be. Adolescence is the beginning of everyone's birth into adulthood. And I love how being a witness to it reminds of so many things about myself.