Never Find a Love Like This

God Sent His Son

2009-12-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

~Galatians 4:3-7

Winter Snow

2009-12-20T19:53:00.000-08:00

So even if we don't have winter snow here, I still really like this song. It's definitely one of my new Christmas favorites. I saw it performed live [it's sung by someone named Audrey Assad] at Chris Tomlin's concert & it was incredible - it sounded even better live than it does in the recorded versions. To listen to it, you can go to YouTube and type in Winter Snow Audrey Assad.

Could've come like a mighty storm
With all the strength of a hurricane
You could've come like a forest fire
With the power of heaven in Your flame

But You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

You could've swept in like a tidal wave
Or an ocean to ravish our hearts
You could have come through like a roaring flood
To wipe away the things we've scarred

But You came like a winter snow
(Yes, You did)
You were quiet
You were soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

Oh, no, Your voice wasn't in a bush burning
No, Your voice wasn't in a rushing wind
It was still
It was small
It was hidden

You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

Falling
(Oh, yeah)
To the earth below
You came falling
From the sky in the night
To the earth below

Yummm

2009-12-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

Where have I wanted to eat every day since I first tried it? Spoons! Everyone started talking about this new yogurt place. My rebellious go-against-the-grain side wanted to purposely avoid going there - you know, so I would seem cooler. But oh. I tried it, and it's y-u-m-m-y. I find myself thinking of reasons I need to be in that area of town about 3pm each afternoon. Today I drove by at 10am and wanted to stop! But it's not open then :( Don't worry, I've only been there about three times, so I am using some self-control.

There are lots of flavors of frozen yogurt I still need to try. And with all of the toppings, the combinations are endless! As if things couldn't get any better, the music they play is enough reason alone for me to drop in. Friday night: what's playing over the loudspeakers?? Your run of the mill elevator music? I don't think so. Wicked. Rent. Mulan. 'N Sync. Oh.my.word. I almost died of joy right there. These people have got taste! And the servers, they were dancing to the music, haha! It's a fun atmosphere. Basically, I think you should try it - and don't forget to invite me to come :)

HO! HO! HO!

2009-12-05T22:07:00.000-08:00

Oh Santa. You are everywhere during this season. And you are a lot of fun. I never really believed in Santa as a kid. Crazy, huh? I think my sister did. And my parents didn't tell her anything different than me. I just remember being a skeptic. I was a little kid who thought a lot about everything. And I took things pretty seriously. I remember for me, that Santa just didn't quite add up for some reason. Recent things I've heard from the kids I work with about Santa & Christmas:

-Santa is watching me
-Santa knows if I've been good or bad
-I'm going to be good just this month so he'll give me stuff
-Without fail, the first thing when I ask a kid about Christmas coming up, "Yeah, and I'm getting....."
-Their "list" is usually miles long - and with few things under $100, ha!
-My favorite, "Do you think this is too much to ask Santa for?"
-"No, I think that Santa will be more than happy to get you a Wii, a Game Cube, a Playstation 3, and an Xbox."

I think it's fun and not necessarily bad for kids to look forward to getting presents [kind of like their birthday]. I also realize that Christmas is really a man-made holiday. Jesus was not born in December, and the holiday actually has pagan origins. Shocking, I know! I don't think that everything about the season has to be about Jesus or God to be considered a "true celebration." And sometimes the statement "Jesus is the reason for the season" doesn't strike me as completely accurate. It can be the reason if you want it to be, but there's not Biblical law that says it has to be. However, I do think that Christmas & its traditions can be used as a good opportunity to teach kids [and to remind adults!] about God & the gift of His Son. And about the unique way that God loves humanity. And that is where Santa started catching my attention. Just hear me out, I promise I don't hate Santa or anything! It just started me pondering...

Think how confusing it must be to a literal-thinking, uncritical preschooler. Santa is so much like what we’re trying all year to teach our children about God. Look at the “attributes” of Santa:

• He’s omniscient—he sees everything you do.
• He rewards you if you’re good.
• He’s omnipresent—at least, he can be everywhere in one night.
• He gives you good gifts.
• He’s the most famous “old man in the sky” figure.

But at the deeper level that young children can’t comprehend yet, he is not like God at all. For example, does Santa really care if we’re bad or good? Think of the most awful kid you can remember. Did he or she ever not get gifts from Santa? What about Santa’s spying and then rewarding you if you’re good enough? That’s not the way God operates. He gave us his gift—his Son—even though we weren’t good at all. “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). He gave his gift to us to make us good, not because we had proved ourselves good enough.

Helping our children understand God as much as they’re able at whatever age they are is our primary goal.

~Noel Piper, Treasuring God in Our Traditions

So, basically Santa has bad theology! :) Haha. Really though, he represents something so magical to a lot of kids. He is much like a "higher power." The main thing that gets me is that we teach kids that he's a higher power who's approval & giving of gifts is conditional. Based on merit. Based on works. How hard even adults have to grapple with the concept that God's gifts are unconditional and not deserved! That kind of love is so rare, so counterintuitive, that it's hard to wrap your heart & mind around. This is the kind of love that as a parent, I would do anything to help my kids understand. And Christmas is such a priceless time to do that, especially with the emphasis on gift-giving and love. When I hear the adorable kids I work with talking about Santa watching them to see if they are good enough to deserve gifts, I can't tell you how much I want to tell them about the True Giver of the best gift! And that He will take them just like they are....naughty and all.

Just Wow

2009-11-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Really cool story that was recently in the local news:

http://www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/68441827.html
[to watch the video]

Planned Parenthood has been a part of Abby Johnson's life for the past eight years; that is until last month, when Abby resigned. Johnson said she realized she wanted to leave, after watching an ultrasound of an abortion procedure.

"I just thought I can't do this anymore, and it was just like a flash that hit me and I thought that's it," said Jonhson.

She handed in her resignation October 6. Johnson worked as the Bryan Planned Parenthood Director for two years.

According to Johnson, the non-profit was struggling under the weight of a tough economy, and changing it's business model from one that pushed prevention, to one that focused on abortion.

"It seemed like maybe that's not what a lot of people were believing any more because that's not where the money was. The money wasn't in family planning, the money wasn't in prevention, the money was in abortion and so I had a problem with that," said Johnson.

Johnson said she was told to bring in more women who wanted abortions, something the Episcopalian church goer recently became convicted about.

"I feel so pure in heart (since leaving). I don't have this guilt, I don't have this burden on me anymore that's how I know this conversion was a spiritual conversion."

Johnson now supports the Coalition For Life, the pro-life group with a building down the street from Planned Parenthood. Coalition volunteers can regularly be seen praying on the sidewalk in front of Planned Parenthood. Johnson has been meeting with the coalition's executive director, Shawn Carney, and has prayed with volunteers outside Planned Parenthood.

On Friday both Johnson and the Coalition For Life were issued temporary restraining orders filed by Planned Parenthood.

Rochelle Tafolla, a Planned Parenthood spokesperson issued the following statement: "We regret being forced to turn to the courts to protect the safety and confidentiality of our clients and staff, however, in this instance it is absolutely necessary."

The temporary restraining order contends that Planned Parenthood would be irreparably harmed by the disclosure of certain information, but does not bar Johnson or Coalition For Life volunteers from the premises.

As of Sunday evening, neither Johnson nor Carney had seen the complaint filed against them that prompted the restraining order.

A hearing about the order has been set for November 10.

Holy Mackerel!!!

2009-10-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

Holy schnikes! Holy moley! Holy cow! Holy smokes! The list could go on......and on.

I've never really thought much about why we use these expressions. That is, until it was brought to my attention the other day. We use "holy" in expressions because it means that something is unusual or surprising. It's not ordinary or what you would expect. It's kind of shocking even.

Not only do we hear the word "holy" in expressions, but it also pops up a lot in the Bible. All over the place. If you asked me what holy meant before our recent discussion about it in church, I would probably tell you something like, "God. He's holy." Which, of course, is true. The definition of holy derived from the greek word qodesh is: distinct, separate.

I've been a Christian all of my life. So sometimes I can sit in church or at Bible study and feel like I've heard something a million times. And I'm sure I've sat through countless sermons and studies about being holy and living a holy life. I think that, on an average day, the word holy doesn't hold a lot of meaning for me [sadly]. But this particular time, it really hit home.

As a Christian, being distinct, or separate from everyone else is really about living a unique lifestyle - one that's purpose is to bring glory to God and to be used for His will. It's really not as hard to live this set apart lifestyle when you're around so many other people who are doing it too. Then it doesn't seem so set apart, does it?

This describes a lot of my experience in high school and college. I was around many people whose goal was to live a set apart, or holy, lifestyle - and that was such a blessing. But the real test for me has been after I graduated college. After I got out of my Christian "bubble." Now, more often than not, I feel "different." I'm just not the "norm" in a lot of choices I make. Being holy is so much more of a challenge! Some days instead of feeeling holy, I'm tempted to give into feeling like the freak! It doesn't always seem cool to be different. It can be lonely.

I was really encouraged by the reminder that as believers in Christ, we are called to be holy. And by the fact that we are supposed to be different from the norm. Maybe it's ok to be a freak after all!

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, ¹⁵but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, ¹⁶since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."
~1 Peter 1:14-16

Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.
~2 Timothy 2:21

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, ⁹ who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, ¹⁰and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel...
~2 Timothy 8:1-10

I Save Squirrels

2009-10-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

So, today I was driving along in a north Bryan neighborhood that was not in the best area [on the job]. And I saw a rottweiler harassing a squirrel in this yard. The little squirrel was pathetically twitching as the rottweiler stood over it. I was filled with indignation. I quickly pulled over my car to the side of the road and put on my hazard lights. This was an emergency. I contemplated the foolishness of getting out of the car and approaching an unleashed rottweiler but decided there was no other option. I walked to the edge of the yard slowly and yelled "Shoo, shoo." The rottweiler didn't seem to care. I yelled, "Leave him alone! Stop it!" I thought that no one was watching, but apparently, the neighbors across the street came outside. I started to realize I probably looked a little bit crazy standing there, with my hazards on, waving my arms at some strange rottweiler. The rottweiler wagged his tail at me [so he is friendly?], and picked up the twitching squirrel in his mouth and trotted away. Truthfully, it was the thought of the squirrel suffering that really worried me the most, and I decided that it was probably already dead and I should move on. I could have gotten back into my car without much embarrassment if the man across the street hadn't asked, "So, is that your dog?" To which I replied, "No I just hate seeing squirrels suffer." Yeah. I drove down the street to my clients house and told them that their neighbors will probably be talking about the crazy lady in the white car for a while.

My Work Wish-List

2009-09-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Sad that I'm blogging about work? Probably.

It's probably even sadder that I try to find materials to read for work when I'm not working. [Or maybe it just shows that I'm in the right field :)]

I feel pretty ill equipped to do the job I'm asked to do. My position used to be filled by people who at the minimum had graduate degrees in counseling and were working towards state licensure. The state decided to cut funds [surprise!], and it's cheaper to pay people with bachelor's degrees. And believe me it is cheaper.

This job = great experience for me but also a lot of stress and not knowing what the heck I'm doing. Sometimes I get frustrated and just google stuff. These are some of the results.

Did I mention that I work with almost all boys? The majority are very angry and aggressive. And most end up getting involved with the juvenile justice system at a young age. A book I really want is called Angry Young Men by Aaron Kipnis, a "bad boy" who turned his life around and went on to become a Clinical Psychologist.

This book is chock full of great ideas for therapy & treatment - for every kind of childhood disorder and behavioral problem imaginable - which is what I come across in my work, every kind of childhood disorder and behavioral problem imaginable. Sigh.

I'm not only supposed to help the kids learn to function better, I'm also supposed to help the parents learn to parent better. The lack of parenting being what created the problems in the first place - the majority of the time. I might have some common sense, but I have NOT been a parent. I need some ideas.

Last, but not least, something I am reading. I work with families who are in poverty. They have such limited resources - and not just financially. There is a lack of everything in a lot of their lives. [role models, education, support, safety, etc.] It's complete survival mode.

I grew up in this area, but I'm telling you, I might as well have traveled to a foreign country. I need a passport. The culture is so different than anything I've experienced before. Little to no training is given to staff preparing them to work with a population whose primary day to day problem is actually poverty. I feel that I need to understand more about how poverty affects my clients before I can really help them. I want to offer more than a band-aid.

Looks like I have my work cut out for me. And who says you have to be in school to learn??

Alarming Statistic!

2009-09-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

I interrupt the lack of blog posts to announce an alarming statistic....I took a stupid facebook friend statistic quiz [I am forever taking dumb quizzes on there when I should be going to bed!], and it says have something like 74% female friends and 26% male friends on facebook!! I am not too shocked by this, but it's sad to see in numbers!

Where have I gone wrong?? How can I go about getting more male friends? [because we all know the number of friends you have on facebook obviously represents your social status in real life].

Honestly, though, I don't have enough male friends. I've known this for a while. I just don't try to do much about it. I grew up in a household with all females. Our cat is such an odd man out - poor guy, I know we try to make him a girl.

I've always been envious of girls who have tons of guy friends. I don't get it. I understand and relate to females well. They just make sense to me [most of the time!] Males, on the other hand, are foreign. And I am not a tomboy by any stretch of the imagination, so I tend to hang out with girls and do girl things when given the option.

What a dilemma. I think I need to find a seminar or inspirational best seller: Ten Easy Steps to Making More Guy Friends. Or someone could just give me free advice :)

The Design of God

2009-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

Great lesson from the story of Joseph....

"...The brothers meant the sale of Joseph for evil, but God meant it for good. Notice it does not say that God used their evil for good after they meant it for evil. It says that in the very act of evil, there were two different designs: In the sinful act, they were designing evil, and in the same sinful act, God was designing good. This is what we have seen and will see over and over: What man designs—or the devil designs—for evil, God designs for some great good."

~Spectacular Sins by John Piper [page 81]

I love to see God's design in the beauty of nature, in the wonder of the human body, in the intricacies of human relationships. But most astounding of all to me is how God designs good in the very midst of evil.

I noticed this pattern when I became old enough to understand suffering. All throughout childhood I was taught that God was a good God. A loving God. A redeeming God. I never questioned these things. But when I first saw what a messy, ugly place this world could be, then I had some stuff to reconcile. And this happened for me personally when my family split apart in a pretty devastating way.

I knew [and believed] that God was good and faithful, but I didn't understand how all the pain and dysfunction could ever be God's will. I compared my family to other families, and in those painful moments of comparison, wondered how me or my family could be valuable to God. I realized that one of two things could come out of the mess sin had made of my family: either a lot of destruction or a story of redemption through God's sovereignty. Because I knew God's character, I was sure it would be the latter.

This knowledge of God's character gives me hope, even peace, in the face of pain. My pain, other's pain. Do I forget about it sometimes? Absolutely. I need reminding from time to time that God is not just reacting to the messes we make [if we repent hard enough] but actually working His good within them.

When something gets to that point, you know that point where you just don't know if you can handle it anymore, that's when His character and all I've been taught about it comes to the front of my mind. And I'm filled with a resolve and a strength and a peace that is most definitely not my own. This is not just a special gift given to me from God, but it's available to anyone who is willing to receive it, "for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." [Romans 10:13] What a good God that saved me! He's more than I could ever deserve. And I'm so thankful for that.

Working Hard & Playing Harder?

2009-09-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote this, read it, and then realized that it sounds like an echo of several other posts I've written. More than daily happenings, I would prefer to write about things that have been on my mind lately. But when I'm so busy, the sad reality is that I don't spend as much time contemplating things. I become less introspective. Just the way it is. Can I take a sabbatical?

My life is one big, endless whirl of activity lately. For a lot of people, the fall is like that. But for me, it's been like that and fall activities are only making it more so. Even though I was busy during the summer, I enjoyed the calm, summer lives of everyone around me. Not anymore.

Work, work, work. I do NOT want to return to work tomorrow!! [But who does?] Especially to an 8 AM staff meeting! ahhh, complete yuck. I go though periods when I really just want to lock myself up in the office and chill. I love having a job where I work directly with people 90% of the time, but there are days [weeks?] when I'm too drained to want to. You always have to be energetic, on your toes, entertaining, etc. to work with kids [I guess it's kind of how teachers might feel]. I have always said I am not an "office job" type of person, but certain days I am jealous of people who have those jobs.

The work week is tiring. Problem is, I've been having a hard time being any less busy during my weekend. I tend to squeeze in the fun stuff from Friday to Sunday until I just don't have any time left to do other more tedious things. Like errands, cleaning my room, cleaning my car, oil changes, organization, etc. Then I feel annoyed during the week that it's not done. Sigh. I think I've complained about this before. I keep meaning to declare a weekend off limits for hanging out and solely for doing what I've been putting off, in some cases, for months.

This weekend was full of fun. So much so that I didn't get up until afternoon today, and therefore didn't get a lot of my "to do list" done. Now it's late, and I'm very awake. Darn. If my body had it's way, I think I'd be on a 1am-10am sleep schedule. I just can't make it understand.

I want to find balance in between working & playing. I want to have time to call back friends who I don't get to see very often. I want to shred that mound of bills from a year ago. And finally hang those pictures on the wall. It looks like I'm either going to have to say no to something or clone myself. I would love the latter.

Quarter of a Century

2009-09-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

It's happening...this year was the first year I had mixed feelings about my birthday. Part of me wanted to pretend it didn't come and I was still 24. I felt so young when people asked how old I was, and I could say "Twenty-four." Twenty-five has a much more mature sound to it. bleh.

I think that 25 is the last birthday for a while that signifies being "allowed" to do something. At least until I turn 65 and can collect Medicare [whoopie!!!] You know how it goes: at 15 you can get a permit, at 16 you can drive, at 17 you can watch R rated movies, at 18 you can vote & be a legal adult, at 21 you can drink & gamble, and at 25 you can RENT A CAR!!! I am going to go out right now & get myself an rental car! Actually, I really have to, and lucky for the people that have to pay for it, I'm 25!

As to whether or not I feel 25, I think that I do. However that is supposed to feel. I was walking on campus today [because I'm doing some volunteer work in a lab], and I felt SO out of place. I'm sure it was all in my head, but everyone seemed really young to me. I kept thinking, "I wonder if they know I'm 25 now?!" Haha. Like they care. But on a happy note, I had to knock on some lady's door in Bryan the other day [work-related], and the woman that answered yelled out, "There's some college girl here for you!" Yes.

But What About Evil?

2009-08-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

But what about evil? This is an age old question used to challenge the existence of a God. There can't be a God out there, or He wouldn't allow all of this suffering and pain. I'd rather believe there in no God than believe such a cruel one exists. As a Christian, people have posed this question to me before. It's not easy to answer.

I'm currently reading a really good book, Spectacular Sins, by John Piper, that does an excellent job of explaining, however. I have always heard about John Piper's books, and I decided to give one a try. I'm very impressed with it so far.

Little did I know that many of his books are available online to dowload for free at his website: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/OnlineBooks/ByTitle/

I loved how he laid this out so clearly:

Eight Things to Do with Evil
On the one hand:

1. Expect evil. “Do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you” (1 Pet. 4:12).
2. Endure evil. “Love bears all thing, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:7; cf. Mark 13:13).
3. Give thanks for the refining effect of evil that comes against you. “Give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Eph. 5:20; cf. 1 Thess. 5:18). “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance . . .” (Rom. 5:3–5).
4. Hate evil. “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good” (Rom. 12:9).
5. Pray for escape from evil. “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matt. 6:13).
6. Expose evil. “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them” (Eph. 5:11).
7. Overcome evil with good. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21).
8. Resist evil. “Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (Jas. 4:7).

Four Things Never to Do with Evil
But on the other hand:

1. Never despair that this evil world is out of God’s control.

“[He] works all things according to the counsel of his will” (Eph. 1:11).
2. Never give in to the sense that because of seemingly random evil, life is absurd and meaningless. “How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! . . . For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever” (Rom. 11:33, 36).
3. Never yield to the thought that God sins or is ever unjust or unrighteous in the way he governs the universe. “The Lord is righteous in all his ways” (Ps. 145:17).
4. Never doubt that God is totally for you in Christ. If you trust him with your life, you are in Christ. Never doubt that all the evil that befalls you—even if it takes your life—is God’s loving, purifying, saving, fatherly discipline. It is not an expression of his punishment in wrath. That wrath fell on Jesus Christ our substitute (Gal. 3:13; Rom. 8:3). Only mercy comes to us from God, not wrath, if we are his children through faith in Jesus. “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Heb. 12:6).

Ink Hands

2009-08-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

Black ink...there is black ink all in the edges of my painted fingernails. Yuck. I have been holding a pen and furiously writing for hours today. When I'm stressed, the pen doesn't mind if I squeeze too hard.

There are sometimes [honestly, a lot of times] when I don't have the answers. When you're in my line of work, people want answers, and they're always desperate for them now. They've been waiting forever, they are at the end of their rope, you are their last hope. Etc., etc., etc.

When I respond to crisis calls, I like it when they're clear cut. It's not hard to know what to do, how to react. Sometimes I'm not so lucky. I bounce back and forth trying to discern, trying to understand, waffling between using logic, emotion, no logic, no emotion. I want to be a professional making a professional decision. I need to be efficient and get the job done. But I want to be compassionate, I want to be merciful, I want to show Christ to them. And sometimes I want to cry with them, to break down too and say, "I know, life sucks & it's unfair, right?" But I can't. Because that won't do anyone much good.

So I'm tired tonight. And I have ink hands.

In other news, I'm not starting back to school like everyone else in this town. But today, I felt like I should be. There is this feeling of anticipation in the air, of the start of something new. Or maybe it's that half of the town has returned? Either way, I will be avoiding public places for a while. If you see me coming, please make room for me, I'm already tired of the crowds!! :)

In between working....and sleeping...and going to the gym...and playing

2009-08-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

In between the things that comprise my crazy, crazy schedule, I'm beginning the grad school application process. This post should be deja vu for anyone who happened to be reading my blog since last September [probably not likely!] Last September, I wrote a post about applying to graduate school for the third time. But except that time, I was planning on applying to Master's programs too.

My plans were majorly derailed last year!!! With a disastrous hurricane to follow just days after that post, and then a disastrous loss of a job, my plans were moved to this year. This year, God willing, the application process will really take place. And this year, God willing, actually getting into a program will take place.

I am much, much more realistic about the ridiculous odds of gainging admission to a PhD program in Clinical/Counseling Psychology. I have the programs I want to attend ranked by the likelihood of my getting in. It's still a big toss up from there. I'm ok with that this time. I'm ok with going to a Master's Program. Bottom line: I want to go somewhere.

Working long term with just a bachelor's degree in Psychology is not feasible. Or possible for my sanity. But it equals gaining great experience in the meantime. Or at least that's why I keep telling myself :)

Have I mentioned how insanely time consuming the process of applying to graduate school is? It's like applying for employment, except the applications are longer and there's more background research required and you are going to pay [depending on the program] instead of getting paid. Sweet.

I sincerely pray that the third time really is a charm.

It's Broken

2009-08-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

This is a little rant for me. I realize that people who don't spend every day in the mental health system in Texas probably don't care that much. I wouldn't if I didn't have to deal with it all constantly. I am shocked by the lack of funding for children's mental health. I am shocked by the ineffectiveness of the curriculum and guidelines being used to dictate how to treat kids with mental health issues. I often leave work thinking, "This whole system is just so broken." So it was fitting when I found articles that said:

The continuum of care for children with mental health needs in Texas is broken. Several promising initiatives exist, but there are infrastructural and funding challenges that get in the way of families trying to access care. Given the numerous changes that have affected the children’s mental health enterprise, perhaps the most helpful question to ask is not “what does the future hold?” but “what should the future hold?”

Children’s Mental Health in Texas: A State of the State Report

http://www.childhealthtx.org/pdf/Children%27s%20Mental%20Health%20in%20Texas-State%20of%20a%20State%20Report.pdf

Texas ranks 49th in the country in per capita spending on mental health treatment. Among Texas kids with a diagnosed mental illness, serious emotional disturbance or at risk of being removed from their homes or classrooms for mental health reasons, only 18 percent receive the mental health treatment they qualify for. There are frequent reports of families turning their children over to the child welfare or juvenile justice system.

Children’s Mental Health in Texas: Running a Diagnostic Test

http://www.texanscareforchildren.org/files/Texas_Childrens_Mental_Health_Report.pdf

I honestly feel so frustrated and limited by all of this. I just want to help these kids, to help them have access to the resources they need. My hands are extremely tied. I can barely keep up with the very minimum demands of my job. I am overloaded and overwhelmed. No matter how much I do, I know it will never be enough. This reality, of course, leads to very high turnover for people serving in mental health services, which just hurts the kids more. They build relationships with staff, and as soon as they begin to trust them, the staff leave. But I can't blame the staff: who would stay long term in a job that pays so little and demands so much?

I think there is a balanced way to look at this. Yes, we desperately need more funding and more attention to Children's Mental Health Services in Texas. But bottom line: We are never going to make everything all better. A lot of people make very poor choices. No matter how much you try to help them. Their poor choices led them into the situations they are in [dragging their children along] and their continued poor choices keep them there. Point in case: If you purposely slammed your finger in a door and then went to a medical doctor mad that it was broken, what would he do? Probably laugh at you and say, "Well, what did you expect?" Why, from a psychological standpoint, do some people try to approach it so differently? Yes, sometimes the cause of psychological problems can be complex, but then other times, the problems are just inevitable and logical consequences. Why do we make excuses for people?

There are definitely those few cases where someone has done everything in their power and is just a victim of very unfortunate circumstances. These people are a joy to serve. You want to go above and beyond to help them. You want to do whatever you can. But they are rare. It's impossibly tough to see the children suffer from parents' very poor choices. For at least a little while [until sadly, many of them grow up and perpetuate the cycle], they are the helpless victims.

Still, Texas, 49th? Really? Do you know how much money gets spent when these kids end up in juvenile justice or foster care system because no one else can help/handle them? Do you know how much money we are wasting? How much could be saved if there was proper treatment from the start? We barely even respond until these kids are in absolute crisis mode. It's completely absurd.

I feel like I sound jaded. Or maybe more in touch with reality? I'm usually a pretty positive, idealistic person. But even this idealist can see broken for what it is. In order not to become totally frustrated and disgusted, I try to keep in mind what I am here for: to help these kids. In whatever way I can, however I can. In some cases, no one else will. I spend a lot of time hoping that even the smallest things I do in this very broken system will, in the end, make some kind of difference.

On a Roll

2009-08-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

So maybe I'm on a blogging roll...I ran across some awesome blogs written by people who are social workers. And this list on one of them made me laugh:

You know you are a Social Worker if...

1. You think $40,000 a year is 'really making it'.
2. You don't know what it's like to work with men.
3. You know all the latest lingo for drugs, where to get them, and how much they cost.
4. You’ve started a sentence with 'So what I hear you saying is...'
5. You’ve had 2 or more jobs at one time just to pay the bills.
6. You tell people what you do and they say 'that's so noble'
7. You have had to explain to people that not all social workers take away kids.
8. You use the words 'validate,' 'appropriate' and 'intervention' daily.
9. You spend more than half your day documenting and doing paperwork.
10. You think nothing of discussing child abuse over dinner.
11. People have said to you 'I don't know how you do what you do'.
12. You’ve never been on a business trip or had an expense account.
13. You know a lot of other social workers who have left the profession for another.
14. You’re very familiar with the concept of entitlement.
15. Staying at a job for 2 years is 'a long time'.
16. Your phone number is unlisted for good reason.
17. Your professional newsletters always have articles about raising salaries...but you still haven't seen it.
18. You’re very familiar with the term 'budget cut'.
19. You can't imagine working at a bank or crunching numbers all day.
20. You’ve had clients who liked you just a little too much.
21. Having lunch is a luxury many days.
22. You’ve been cursed at or threatened...and it doesn't bother you.
23. Your job orientation has included self defense.
24. You have the best stories at any cocktail party.
25. Your parents don't know half of the stuff that you've dealt with at your job.
26. You know all the excuses clients use for a failed a drug test by heart.

I do "skills training and case management" for kids ages 3-18 who have a behavior disorder/mental illness. The job really involves that and million things more. I've rarely been so challenged.

I'm in this job for the mental health experience for grad school and to pay the bills, at least that's what I tell myself daily. I don't want to stay in this kind of work [case management/social work] for too long, I remind myself. It can't be good for my health, I think. Oh, but how I relate to all 26 of these observations about social work! [except for the one about working with men, the majority of my kids are boys - and a lot adolescent boys]. And how refreshing it was to read some other peoples' blogs where they whine and complain and stress about the same junk I do! My family and friends would probably appreciate it if I found another outlet for venting! I know that my stories often depress them and don't make for pleasant dinner conversation. I would absolutely LOVE to blog about all of my experiences in the field of mental health social work. But because of HIPPA laws, I don't. Maybe I'll write a book someday when enough time has passed. I should start writing it down now so I don't forget!

I tell my mom that many days I feel like I'm in the front line trenches of a war. There are so many disasters and suffering people and casualties that I don't know how to respond quick enough. There are never enough resources, there is never enough help to go around. Someone always needs something, and we are always one - if not several - people short to get the job done. It's absolutely exhausting. I can't begin to explain how many hats I have to wear every day - nurse, mother, driver, teacher, crisis responder, therapist, secretary, etc. At the end of some days my muscles are so tense and my mind is so full I don't know how to unwind. I have to laugh or I might cry.

I am working hard not to become burnt out. The turnover is incredible. And the kids and families suffer the loss of more people leaving their already unstable lives. Admittedly, I am pretty disgusted with the system that is community mental health in Texas. I'm appalled by the lack of funding and resources. I'm shocked by the working conditions of those in the field. Bottom line, it's all very eye opening. It might be one of the harder jobs I ever do. I know it's the hardest I've done so far.

Life According to My Dreams

2009-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Last night in my dreams I wanted to go to summer camp. I had my trunk packed. But someone told me I couldn't go. They said I was too old. In my dream, I was very offended by this. Too old? I'm only like 17, right? Then I realized that 17 is a little old to be going to summer camp. But the most startling part was when I woke up from the dream actually thinking I was 17. As fuzzy sleep clung to my brain I thought, wait, how old am I? 18? Hmm, no that doesn't seem right. 20? And that's when I fully woke up and realized that I was ALMOST TWENTY FIVE!!!! Omg. I really don't feel that old.

In other news, I have to figure out how to balance work and regular life. I always have so much much to do for work that I never have time to get "real life" stuff done. Like mailing things, balancing my checkbook, cleaning my room, washing my car, shopping. It is driving me NUTS. When I do have spare time, I sacrifice doing all of those daily chore kind of things and instead hang out with people and relax. I promise myself every weekend that I'm going to clean out my closet or shred the mound of old bills or hang up the pile of clothes. But I just end up going to a movie or sleeping in or sitting around like a bum relaxing. I can't stand my room anymore, or my car, or the disorganization that I feel is my life. I truly need an extra day in the week. I've considered taking a day off of work in order to do all of the stuff I've been putting off. I tried to get something mailed at the post office, and it took me THREE WEEKS to find time to get it done. I need some serious HELP!!

For the Love of Kids

2009-08-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today I was told I would make a good mother someday. And then an hour later I was criticized for the way I handled a discipline issue with one of the little kids in the clinic. Dealing with kids - especially defiant ones, can seem so simple in theory. But it's very tough in reality. I don't always know the right things to say, and I sure as heck don't know what to do half of the time.

I used to babysit a lot growing up. I even took one of those babysitter certification courses. I was very qualified :) I thought all kids were cute, especially babies. I enjoyed playing with them. But there would always come a moment after a couple hours of babysitting when I would think, oh my gosh, is this what it feels like to be a mom? Completely trapped in the house with a bunch of little kids and no adult to talk to? Ugh. Because it's exhausting work trying to reason with a three year old. Or telling a five year old no he can't go outside for the tenth time that hour. Or convincing a six year old to "use his words" instead of whacking his brother in the head. It gets really old really quick.

My mom and a lot of my friends are elementary school teachers, and I have no idea how they do it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. ALL DAY. With twenty plus kids. I might go mad. I consider myself as more of a ten and older kind of person. I love hanging around teenagers. I even think awkward middle schoolers are fun. But little ones? Pretty much, I think they're cute. But if they start screaming, kicking, defying [showing out or fronting as the parents I work with would say], then I am lost. I am still not used to this kind of behavior. It flabbergasts me when my words don't help a situation. Reasoning with words - that's my fallback. You can't reason with a little kid in the throes of a tantrum. Darn.

If I have my own kids someday? I think it will be different. I think it will still be a learning process, but that discipline will come more naturally to me [though I might always like the older kid phase better]. Right now, I just don't enjoy disciplining kids. Or teaching parents who have no idea [or don't even want to learn] how it's done. Heck if I know what works?! It's not that intuitive for me at this point in my life, and I feel really lost trying to give advice.

My mom [a child discipline queen] tells me that no one enjoys disciplining kids. But is that really true? Because that seem to be what half of working with little kids [especially difficult ones] is all about. Some teachers must enjoy it then, right? Or parents? I don't know, but I do know that this is what working with naughty acting little boys and girls makes me feel like sometimes:

And P.S. - Anyone who thinks I might be exaggerating the difficulty should feel free to come shadow me at my job a day or two!! :)

Busy Bee

2009-07-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

It looks like I'm gonna be a tad busy from here on out. Summer, to me, typically represents a time for slowing down. However, this summer, my life has seemed to speed up instead.

It started first with work. It's hard. Harder than I anticipated. It's busy. And its pace is not slowing down. It's late hours and still not finishing what needs to get done. It's to do lists that have to do lists. I don't think I've ever been this busy at any job before! I'm praying against burn out - I'm not there yet.

Add to that on-call crisis work. Why am I putting myself through more work when I already work so much during the day? Because I want to earn/save money faster! I'm on call about 10 days a month. Not so bad. Unless you get called out to the ER for 12 hours straight on a weeknight. Um, yeah. I'm making sure that doesn't happen again.

I decided that since my goal is applying to graduate school in December, I need to get some more research experience. So, I'm going to be helping in a Psychology lab at A&M once a week. This does not include the time I'll be taking to decide what schools I want to apply to, filling out the applications, sending everything in, etc. HUGE PROCESS!!

Now, I would like to have a social life. You know, church, friends, family, FUN. I'm not a person who can do too well without these things. They keep me going. So I'm trying my hardest to pencil them in. I'm also trying to pencil in exercise, eating right - all of those things necessary to keep my body healthy and running. First things to go when I'm busy!

I won't even begin to talk about the financial goals I have for this year. Let's just say, they're big. And they involve saving a lot of money. Enough said.

All my plans for the upcoming year have started to make me feel dizzy. But when I get overwhelmed, I remember that the only person I have to worry about right now is myself, and I am so thankful for this season. The things I'm so busy with right now are things for me, to improve myself. I don't have the awesome but huge responsibility of a family. I can work on my life and decide [with God's guidance, of course], its direction.

My family went on a vacation together [without me] for a week. I took care of our dog and our cat. And I kept thinking, "Thank you, thank you, Lord, that I don't have any animals of my own!" I don't even have time to own a cat right now!! Remind me of that next time I want to get a puppy or adopt a child, please! :)

I see women out there who, just like me, have many goals, but who also have so many extra responsibilities. I deal with women every day [as part of my job], who had to take on major responsibilities long before they were ready.

God knows my heart and desires well. When I take on the task of marriage or raising children [or even an animal!], I want to be able to devote my full attention to it. That's just me. It would tear me up to constantly choose between my job and my child. My goals or my husband. Actually, I don't think the competition would last long: my job would suffer and so would my goals. For right now, I'm very thankful that I don't have to choose.

In My Humble Opinion...

2009-07-19T21:42:00.001-07:00

Two Thumbs UP! Yes, I've turned into one of those people. Who reads a book just because it's coming out as a movie. I'm shaking my head in disgust at myself :) I'm in a phase where I've run out of book ideas. There is usually always something I want to read. Maybe it's because I'm so busy now, or maybe I just need to start working my way down a classic book list. I prefer to be reading a book at all times. It's something I look forward to at the end of the day and in those rare moments when I have a second to spare [and lately that statement would be a joke!]

I wanted to read A Time Traveler's Wife, but since it was sold out, I ended up with My Sister's Keeper. So good. Really, really good! What a talented writer Jodi Picoult is! Perhaps I did start out with low expectations because it wasn't my first choice. Either way, it didn't disappoint. Heart wrenching from the first chapter. Great character development. It feels like you are inside each of the characters' heads thinking every thought and feeling every feeling with them. There haven't been too many other fictional authors I've read that have done as good of a job with this as Jodi Picoult did. Upon finishing the book this weekend, I went to see the movie, of course. I typically do not cry during movies. The most tear jerking scenes don't make me shed a tear. I'm a rock. ha!

I went to see My Sister's Keeper tonight and I almost started bawling. I said almost! I kept it under control. It was just too much. Incredible movie. Great acting. I even liked the ways they changed the movie to make it different from the book. But OMG, it truly was one of the saddest and most touching movies I have EVER SEEN. My nose is still runny from crying the entire movie. Fortunately, I got some comedic relief from the couple two rows in front of me who MADE OUT the entire movie!!!! When it ended and everyone else was numb with grief, they stood up and KEPT MAKING OUT! FOR THE LOVE!! I guess some people can find anything romantic?!

Point is, go see My Sister's Keeper if you want a really, and I mean a really, good cry.

Nothing He Can't Do

2009-06-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

This is how we were talking about my grandfather yesterday as we were celebrating Father's Day. Is there anything he can't do? He can build houses. Fix up old cars. Put in wood floors. Fix toilets. Mend fences. Grow produce. Ranch cattle. Sing in choirs. Act in community theater. Lead his Sunday School class.

I know he is always a phone call away if I need anything. There is nothing he won't drop for those he loves. And no dirty job he won't do to help them, either. I wouldn't have made it through college without him. Among other things, I wouldn't have had a car. I sometimes wonder if he cringed when it was me, thinking, "What did she run into now?" If he did, I could never tell.

He is the hardest working person I know. He is also the most faithful man I know. Faithful to his wife of 50+ years, faithful to his children and grandchildren, faithful to God and his church community.

My grandfather is happy as long as he is surrounded by and serving those he loves. What a testimony to valuing what is most important in life. Father's Day is just another day to remember how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Cut the Sugar Please

2009-06-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

I went to see a sneak preview of the first romcom of the summer. This is the cool way to say "romantic comedy" these days, apparently.

I have been looking forward to the Proposal since I first saw previews [how many months ago??] And Dave Letterman's interview with Sandra Bullock [who looked emaciated according to my mother], made me even more excited to see it.

People who know me well know that while I like romcom's and am always up for seeing them, I tend to prefer them when they're more along the lines of The Breakup. In other words, when they don't have typical plots or can be considered quirky [not that I always want the couple to break-up!]

I wouldn't want to spoil the Proposal too much, but who doesn't figure that they somehow end up together? No matter how unlikely/unrealistic/ridiculous it might be?

My sister later told me that she sat next to me in the movie thinking, "Oh, I bet Lindsy doesn't like that - it's not like real life at all. Oh no, he's chasing her to win her back! I bet Lindsy doesn't like that - it's so scripted!" This really cracked me up. She knows me too well, as those were my exact thoughts throughout the movie! I hope I didn't ruin her enjoyment of it too much!

I love romance as much as any girl, but it really insults my intelligence when there is absolutely no reality/plot/intrigue to a movie. Is that why they have to put really good looking actors in these movies - so that we'll have something to distract us from the otherwise poorly made film??? Ok, it might work a tiny bit :) And I know I'm being harsh. However, is there anyone else who wants to see Away We Go? Because that's just the kind of movie I was craving after this one. A little salty to follow up the too-sweet taste that was left in my mouth.

Ohhhh Summer

2009-06-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

Summer means a lot of great things: vacations, laying by the pool, watermelon, kids out of school...

However, for my job, summer means a PAIN IN THE REAR END. Just because kids are out of school & teachers get a break, doesn't mean we get to go home! In fact, we now have the lovely task of chasing down the kiddos wherever they may roam...which could literally be anywhere!!

I love meeting with my kiddos in school - mostly because it guarantees a clean, safe, calm, and COOL environment. Did I mention COOL???? When I make home visits to five and six year old boy's homes who just want to run & play outside, I have a hard time saying no to their sweet begging. But thirty minutes later, as I am running around in my DRY CLEAN DRESS PANTS in 100 degree Texas weather chasing a little kid all over the street, I have flashes of moments where I consider jumping into my air conditioned car and saying, "I'll see you again when school starts!"

So I figure if I can just convince the kiddo to go inside...but no, sadly enough, it is HOTTER inside most of these homes than it is outside!!! Air conditioning is expensive, y'all. These poor kids who bear this heat all the time! But you know what I've noticed? Kids don't seem to mind the heat like adults. If I think back far enough, I can remember those days. ha!

I'm done complaining about the heat, but I definitely think we should be allowed to wear shorts to work, I mean, come on!!

Overall, I love my job and I love working with children! But, lately, I have had some trying moments with some very trying little kids. The kind of kids whose behavior scares every observer in site at the grocery store as they all think, "I would DIE if that were my kid." Kids who like to stab you in the eye with pens and laugh maniacally as you wince and scream in pain. Kids that move so fast so quick that you couldn't even follow their movement if you tried. It makes me tired just thinking about it. Point is, I have a lot to learn about handling kids! Especially difficult ones with serious behavior problems. Lord, help me, I need it! But mostly, help me to love these kids like you do!

Life according to an Elementary School Teacher

2009-06-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

Bank Lobby

My mother: [not too quietly] Oh, I'm so glad I don't work in a bank.

Me: Good thing you don't, then.

My mother: I mean, really how can they work like this? Where are the decorations?

Me: Decorations?

My mother: Yeah, where is the "fru fru?" It's so plain and business like!